After getting teleported to equestia the two friends notice something wrong with this place and are going to find out what happened.
Chapters (4)
MLGP TAKPUPI
Joined 1st Feb, 2013 ·
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325 words for a chapter? Wow, Sparky, where'd you come up with that great idea?
Hey, look, a fan fic! 8 dislikes? Oh it can't be that...
Never mind.
Fix the grammar, then we talk. Or at least don't have it so the FIRST TWO WORDS are immediately incorrect.
2262269
Like you wanted to read this fan fic for anything longer than that. XD
You should slow things down and review your story to correct spelling mistakes. If you do that this should be a decent story.
>Call of Duty
I suggest you take a look at a book.
At the same time you're looking at this thing.
When it's in a decent word processor.
Then look at the differences.
That will explain most of your bullshite.
The rest I'm too tired to explain.
These wonderful people who will come like sharks attracted to a sea of blood red downvotes will explain the rest.
It is not spelled like that at all. Every time I see someone who writes about Call of Booty, Modern Whorefare, they almost ALWAYS spell it that way. If you're going to put something in, make sure that it's spelled the right way (Spetsnaz is translated from Russian as special forces, when said in Russian it sounds like this: spetsnyahz, I'd type it in Cyrillic but I can't). Hell you could even just Google it... or Bing it if you're nasty. Everything else though, well it's been discussed by others. This doesn't earn a down vote though as I have seen some bad material on here, this is not, but it does need some work.
Another Cod crossover?!
*Reads*
The story is good (not because I'm in it)
The people are right the grammar needs to be fixed
But non the less the story will make me come back for more
im sorry this is just one big paragraph im not the best story maker but i know how to indent
.....
I don't even...what...
Pleas bear in mind I'm not the best author.
1: When you start a new person talking, or after every 5-10 sentences(can be longer, can be shorter) it's a good idea to not press enter once, but twice.
2: If you are going to use past tense, which you are, it is better to make sure you put an 'ed' at the end of the words that are present tense.
Example:
Notice, should be noticeD
3: Commas, you need to read through your document at least once before publishing it.
This should be
Fluttershy saw something appear, and she noticeD it was covered in dead grass
Now here's something you can go a few ways. You can either go
covered in dead grass, and it was
or
covered in dead grass. It was
Practice takes merfect, good luck.
The only criticism i have i that the chapters are a bit to short but other than that keep going.
2304464 i love it
"We're getting spawn trap!"
... What does that mean?
The first paragraph is just a bunch of non-sense! I've never played a game of CoD besides the Zombies mode and a handful of team deathmatch, so I am completely and utterly lost on what the setting is supposed to be. For instance, what's Terminal? Is it that snow map with those radio dishes? Or maybe the destroyed city one? I don't know! Give some kind of light description so people who've never even heard of Call of Duty have some idea of the setting!
More specifically, I'm not sure what 'Alpha', 'Bravo', and 'Charlie' is supposed to be, but I'm guessing they're spots that have to be held. In which case, say that, instead of just the names that mean nothing to us.
"There just noobtubing"!
Now I'm convinced this is a troll fic, but since I'm killing time before ging to work, I'll continue with my in vain correction comment.
First, "There" is for directing to a certain spot, like "He is bleeding to death over there."
"Their" to connect ownership, or show something belongs to another thing/person. "Their blood is pooling beneath them."
And the last one that should have been used in this sentence: "They're" Which is a combination of "They are" to describe what one is doing. Like "They are just noob-tubing!" or "They're just noob-tubing!"
That's another thing, the puncuation mark (Question: ?, Exclamation: !, Period: .) goes inside the quotation marks " " when ending the character speech.
Holy shit man, I could write an essay for every single sentence... and that's just with this first paragraph...
Fuckin hell...
"Fluttershy was scare of what it was-"
That's the most hilarious line of read today.
Ok, ok. Do me a favor and put this on Google Docs so I can direct people to this as some kind of proofreader shooting range.
Ok, I can't take any more. I'm going to now go and select another random story from the main menu with my eyes closed, and there is a 95% chance of it being waaay better than this.