I am not a crook... I am a brony.
A battle-scarred (human) warrior, in his quest to find inner peace finds himself in Equestria. Now, in the most peaceful realm in existence, how will he keep his human weaknesses from tainting these kind ponies.
This is my first story EVER. And in all honesty its probably awful, feel free to leave painfully honest comments.Also im not entirely sure how to do this whole process so if i do anything wrong please help me.Thank you friends!
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For your first, it certainly isn't that bad. A few grammatical mistakes, and mixing up here/hear at least once. A bit short, but being a prologue, I can understand that. Honestly, I want to see what will happen.
One thing that is missing, though, is descriptions. Describe the characters. We already know what the ponies look like, so don't worry too much about that. The human, though. That's all we know, that's it a male human called Jack. Hair colour, complexion, any scars or deformities, general vibe given by his appearance. These are all things we need to engage with the character. I'm not particularly great at writing that stuff myself, I will admit...
Anyway, keep it up.
I like it.
I agree with tony1685 that you need to describe Jack more, but I trust that you plan to do so in latter chapters. This is really interesting and I am looking forward to reading more. Definitely tracking.
I'll track. Why not
Thanks guys never thought i'd write a fanfic, absolutely not a MLP one, I'd tried to keep Jack an everyman but your right i should elaborate more, if you guys find anything wrong or bothersome about my writing style or any tendencies i have feel free to drop the hammer of criticism on me.
Daw! Leave it to Fluttershy to make sure that even the most awesome and darkest badass has a heart of gold
Jack sounds like (I'm now gonna attempt to describe him, with words I don't normally use on this site) A MOTHERFUCKING BADASS!
-Glassed
Samurai jack, or another Jack?
Original character. Sorry if that was confusing.
random. :-)
time for fighting that would put every liveing thing to shame
This is getting good
Oh hai Ursa Major
... Wait whaaaaaaa 
-Glassed
"So Ursie got my party invitation! Woohoo!!"
I only have 2 complaints.
1) During the fights (especially when Jack grabs someone), its hard to follow what happens.
2) You use the phrase "dropped his center" a lot
Other than that... me gusta
176791 Thanks man, glad you enjoy it. I tried to explain it the way i see it playing out, but ill try to clear that up. And yeah I did use that phrase a lot, my bad.
This is a really cool story! The action is really great, though it might need a bit of work (sometimes it's hard to make out what's happening) and I can't wait for what's gonna happen next.
If I were to point out a few things for you to work on, it would be; give the reader a better overlook of the battle (explain what's going on, perhaps make Jack have en actual martial arts style?).
I know that we aren't all that far into the story yet, but you need to establish some of Jacks faults soon. Nothing is more boring than a mary sue character.
How on earth did the diamond dogs control an Ursa Major!?
Other than that, I think you have a great story, and I'll keep on reading and commenting throughout it
-Glassed
For a first attempt, this isn't bad!
A little advice: Proofreading is key, as it allows you to pick up any grammatical errors, and it also gives you a chance to re-write/ remove any bits you weren't so sure of.
-Mortem aut gloria. Eligere sapienter.
This story just got a lot more interesting.
214196 a agree
Doctor whooves
Y U hate on humanity
anyways, great chapter
.............DAMIT DOCTOR AND YOUR AWSOME CATCH-PHRASE.
lol i really like this
This is good stuff. I want to see more.
Sorry for the long wait Everypony, I was being a lazy buttman
. Tell me how you like this and I'll try to get the next chapter out soon.
290317........I am sensing that a plot twist will come soon......and also please dont kill Celestia!...she is best pony :PAlso Keep up the good work!
Well there is not much that Seeker can say. But Seeker will keep an eye on this, please do continue.
Eating a balanced breakfast is the first step in a healthy, active day.
I moustache you a question
but i'll shave it for later
you done goofed? I BACK TRACED IT!
Man is this story dead or what when are you going to update if you ever do it's not please let us know so we can just give up with waiting