The story of the Magic Facility is a grousome one. The secret is kept safe, but what would happen if a certain Unicorn let out the truth?
Written by: Fire Spark
http://www.youtube.com/user/asyLum90210
Original creator(and pony/person to give me permission to write this): Rarity Belle
http://www.youtube.com/user/RarityBell
Original story:
The Art of Magic
Please note, this story is filled with blood and gore. This story could be classified as a "Grimdark" story. Read at your own risk.
Chapters (5)
I have to admit, it is short in chapters and events happening, but as things are going now, I am quite interested and willing to read more.
Though there is one point I want to discuss, Twilight never went to Applejack!
Why wouldn't you link to the preceding story? Of all things, there's a link to the author's youtube account? What?
2117452
OH CRAP
I'm getting right on it!
*batmare music*
2117474
BAH
I'll fix that in a minute.
2117476 nananananananananananananananananna BATMAN!
2117537
PRECISELY!
Oh, and I'm done with the Applejack part :3
>Twilight not being boss
2118306
Read the original mate.
(Twilight smiled and hugged her boss tightly) should have a period at the end.
and nod was used twelve times
. Carefully was used four times in one chapter
. You should try to use different words or a thesaurus. Everything else seems to be decent. Good job on making it mysterious and dark. Keep up the good work!
(How dare you speak up to me!) should end in a question mark.
(Twilight have a small sigh before turning around) should be Twilight made a small sigh before turning around.
Twilight didn't even have to set foor in the orchard before Applejack called out.
(foot)
(“Miss Belle, the Princess is no longer suspicious of the facility. I’m back to resume my work which i hold so dear to my heart.”) I should be capitalized.
(The lavender Unicorn had to take a moment to process what just happened.) The U in unicorn should be lower case.
(“Mister and Misses Cake have been helping me work on a ton of new recipes for treats!”)
Mrs. Cake
(but what would happen if a certain Unicorn let out the truth?) Once again, the U should be lowercased in unicorn.
You use the same words over and over again. Smile has been used eighteen times
2127544
Thanks.
Nope.
Meant it to be gave
Thanks.
Thanks.
Nope.
Nope.
And nope.
2146993 You're very welcome
So...
Ponies are out of character, like way out of character. It was sad how you petrayed "Grimdark". You put the word "insane" way to much, very repetitive. Not gorey. Boring as hay. Your confidence in this was sickening. You really need to have someone read it before you put it online. Read more Grimdark fanfics and study them. Learn what makes them "dark" or "insane". Deffinently use an online thesorus. Being repetitive is the WORST POSSIBLE THING!!! Basically it was pretty disappointing, but the dislikes show that.
2188525
Okay, I'm just going to be blunt,
First of all, this story is intended to be 20-30 chapters long. So it will be boring early on.
Secondly, the chatacters are off because they're nuts for Celestia's sake.!
Thirdly, I don't give a
about repetititive words. You're basically saying I can only use one word once.
Finally, Did you even read the "Incomplete" part? The story is no where NEAR finished.