The_Silent_Hero47
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I guess you inserted a lot of efforts in this story. So, how am I going to say this to you. Don't get disheartened because of this comment, okay? Here goes nothing. *Inhale*. The wall of text killed the moment for me. The story lacks basic grammar and punctuation (I know, everyone's problem, right?). The canon characters here are losing their original characteristics, and far more than that, there are a lot of mistakes.
So I read about your author's note, and as much as I hate to say it. The story won't end well for you. Please don't get mad at me, I'm just doing a review.
Other than that, try some more practice, cause the way it looks to me, you're gonna need it.
No.
The grammar is atrocious. It just felt choppy. Plus, the wall. There are no pragraphs or indentations at all. In sorry, but you get a downvote from me.
2097093 uggh why is it so hard to write a story that will get good reviews every once in a while? Then again I am a Sophomore so that couldn't help at all.
2097125 I feel your pain. I'm also a Sophomore, and a 13 year old kid who's first language isn't English. Just try to read other people's story who has high ratings and good reviews. Or nonetheless, get an editor for your story.
2097129 I do sadly... He just takes forever to get back to me I need another one or get more depends.
2097116 Okay less wall and more exciting grammar got it also sorry for the whole *sound effect* I did post a blog asking if anyone had good magic sounds but none answered. :(
ya. first to up vote. i havent read it yet, but i need blood to make my day. and i hope twilight is killed
2097144
if you need help check out my story about the Cutie MArk Crusaders, also if you want i can help you with editing.
This story is not too bad, but execution is choppy. Let's see first paragraph
* Television. It seems to unnecessary addition to the whole story. Canon has no TVs.
* Ten. You love this number. It was repeated thrice in the first paragraph: Ten murders. News at ten. Crying ten times. Story generally has problems with repetitions. The most that stands out is "fetal position"
* Luna. On plus side it was somewhat touching. But. It was the only time we saw Luna in the story. Her presence seems redundant: it doesn't advance the story.
Other thoughts:
Characters' reaction towards conductor death is strange. "Sorry, Tia, conductor died" was said in such plain fashion, as they were discussing a weather. They also never talked a lot about Pinkie, which is surprising.
Celestia's "killing is fun" motive is too primitive.
Story needs proofreading, spellchecking, etc. Caps in first part are on the loose: "the Medical wagon"
Final murder scene is non-descriptive and primitive. First, again we feel kind of repetition there, since we already heard Celestia's plan in which order ponies should be killed. Second. We don't know what ponies felt when murders actually occurred before their eyes. Their though process in this situation is the most interesting part!
2097327 Cool thanks I could use the extra help.
Warning: long entry ahead.
Ok, so I can tell you're new at this, so I'm gonna cut you some slack. To start, your grammar needs work, and there are WAY too many run-on sentences. Also, the ending was rather abrupt. You should also chop down the text a bit; nopony likes big huge blocks of text.
But I'm willing to overlook all that. Again, you're obviously new at this. This story DOES have some nice build-up, and you develop the characters' depression well. But there's one major beginner's mistake which you stumbled upon, which sticks out like a sore thumb.
You revealed celestia as the killer too early, and you did it all wrong.
See, nopony likes it when the killer is revealed early on. It's like, at the start of Star Wars, darth vader just runs up and says "hey Luke, I'm your dad." You gotta BUILD to these things, man.
But let's take this one step further. Not only should you have saved celly's reveal for the end, you should also have made out LUNA to be the killer all the story, but have the celestia bit actually be a suprising plot twist.
Lemme show you how a professional does it. "Cracks fingers"
First, take out the celestia and Luna paragraphs which are already in there. Unnecessary spoilers. Then, at the start, have CELESTIA watching the tv(be sure it's during the day - more on that later), and don't give any indication at all that she's the killer. In fact, maker seem genuinely scared/worried. Then have her head down to Luna's room and knock at the door, asking if she knows what's going on. Luna yells at her angrily to go away. This puts up an aura of hostility against Luna, making us suspect she's the killer.
Then go through all that buildup - again, good work on that. Kudos.
Now the end. First, make sure its night (again, coming back to that later). have celestia greet them warmly, and have Luna arrive late to the table, and have her seem distracted, like she's supposed to be doing something else. (Like killing ponies, thinks the reader.)
Then, suddenly, completely out of nowhere, near the end of dinner, have celestia jump on the table and go completely berserk! She goes apeshit and attacks the elements. Se manages to take out rd, but the rest manage to take her down afterwards, enraged at losing a second friend.
Only after celestia is painfully killed will Luna step forward and explain. Turns out, celly was suffering from "moon madness", a secret disease which only affects one alicorn once roughly every thousand years. In fact, it was what for Luna banished to the moon a thousand years ago, after she had caught the disease and killed three ponies. Moon madness makes the affected alicorn go completely mad at night, killing everyone. Also, while celestia casted the spell many years ago to trap Luna, Luna was not powerful enough to cast it on celestia.
To wrap up, have the four elements gather around rainbow dash, who gurgles blood, and in a sad, touching moment, even as blood flows from a corner of her mouth, whispers "I... I see pinkie..." And with that, she dies, and the story ends.
To finish, take out the description's image of a battered and bloody celestia. Pretty much is a dead giveaway. Instead, have a simple shadow of an alicorn, silhouetted against the moon. This implies that its LUNA who's the killer, even thou we don't see her directly (just the black shadow).
So that's my little remake. Apply the changes if you want, whatever. I'm just trying to help you be a better writer.
2099834 wow didn't know that it was possible to make a comment that long LOL
but yeah I might do that photoshop might be a bicth at it but I'll do my best for now.
2097338 yeah sorry Language arts isn't really my specialty but I will have some changes once I have my editors tell me whats up.
And the T.V. thing, well how else was Luna supposed to know?
2101305
For example newspaper. Or report by some guard. Or visiting dream of someone who think about this incident during the dream.
2101499 I didn't think of that I mainly worked on this story after I was fried with homework and tired from barely any sleep. Like I said I will make changes once my editors tell me what I need to fix and what not.
2097338
I'm sorry but I just thought of this I'm not making fun of you or anything but I just thought. You're right killing isn't fun, Killing is Magic.
I think my brain just broke again, that's the third time this week and it's only monday.
2144190 Is that a good thing or a bad one???
2146695 I'm not sure.
2146707 Uh-oh I may have caused or stopped a massive murder rampage I hope I saved Lives here I am a hero after all.
And it's a tie for the likes lets see who wins? Up votes? Or down syndrome Pooh- I mean down votes?
2151837 lol, I hadn't voted, so upvotes are winning for now.
2151974 DING DING DING WE HAVE A WINNER BY KO THE WINNER UP VOTES :)))))) /) BROHOOF FTW!!!!
2097275 Well are you satisfied???
2154104 well no, i read the first paragraugh for 3 minutes (the whole thing). and i am ashamed i didn't get to like it twice
but i will take the time to see this thrugh. and truth be told i had you baryed in my read latter list. but i wil concer it and read your story. 
and you get a fav and a follow. and pinkie pie 
2153887 (\ brohoof
2156515 I'm amazed that a person with a cute little Octavia filly picture loves killing I just CAN'T LOOK AWAY FROM THE CUTENESS AHHHHHH!
2159100 oh i love it. i would read it if my mother was not out of her room and in the same room as me.
but thank you, and i will read on 
2159124 So reading might take a while okay as long as I have room in my closet for her in there *looks in closet* shit this might be a problom figures I only have enough room for 5. god damn AJ and RD taking like half the closet in there.
2160269 is luna in? she is cool
ok i will get you once i am done reading
2161502 Naa Luna invaded my dream one time but that didn't turn out well
2161695 ok orgie powers activate. mind orgey
ok i like this and i will read this hard
2405494
really? I didn't read the epilogue, just the first chapter. even then it seemed a bit dark.
2407063 Well my friend just clicked one thing and the Epiquile was published. So yeah.