had a little idea that I felt like I had to make SOMETHING out of, so I did this pretty quick (for me) around an hour.
But I just wanted to play with the idea of a super depressed/suicidal stripper Trixie.
there are probably grammar errors and stuff I didn't catch, point them out and I'll change them.
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Few grammar mistakes, some weird plot choices (Trixie can't knock back four Long Island ice teas and stay standing? What a lightweight!) and the ending is kind of weird. Still I did have at least some residual emotional response, so an upvote you get.
Eh... It's just eh at the moment. Some how it's now Twilights fault Trixie is in the predicament she's in when in actual it was Trixies gloating that got her in the mess she's in. Also, you know her caravan was completely destroyed when the Ursa minior stomped it flat right? Not gonna really complain about grammar as my own is no shining example either. My biggest however is it's TO SHORT! 1k words and a weak cliffhanger to stop it at? Come on man you're killing me!
I laughed at this. I'm a terrible person.
I also don't understand, what's the point of being a stripper in pony society? They don't normally wear clothes.
2029043 From Trixie's perspective it is Twilight's fault for showing her up.
And magic Duel showed her with a caravan, so it is not implausable that she bought a new one or fixed up the wreck of the old one.
2029135 Yes, but they don't go around revealing themselves. A stripper would move in a deliberately seductive or erotic pose, showing off flank or genitals.
Well this was a depressing start to the story.
Not a bad effort but it feels a bit short and lacks detail.
I'll put this onto my list for now.
If you are looking for grammar mistakes to fix then here are a couple that I noticed.
This is one of the few times that a doubled word would be correct.
One other general thing that is repeated is the use of a fullstop in dialogue followed by a 'X said'
Example: ' "What a joke." She finished.'
This should have a comma after joke to indicate a continued sentence.
Example: ' "What a joke," She finished.'
Hope those help.
~ Fimbulvinter.
2028975
Man, have you actually had one of those? a Long Island has a relatively high percentage of alcohol. Two highballs of that should get most people quite buzzed; if I drank four I'd certainly be on the way to falling down, too
2028975
2029043
2029262
about the ending, i wrote this chapter in an hour rather late just because i wanted to get some kind of physical form of the idea down. It is so short because i was LITERALLY just trying to get 1000 words so i could submit it to fimfiction
2029135
shhh.... you're ruining it.
2029262
and uhh, yeah. i know it lacks detail. ill probably go back and revise chapter 1, adding in stuff at some point
2029845
hehe yeah...
2029846 god, wish I could just summon up a story like that! Took me a month to type up one of my chapters!
2029856
this took like.. an hour.
lol
2029487
Wait, shit. Okay, Ally, time to stop commenting on stories at 2AM. You're right, Long Island is the intense one... there's something else I temporarily got it confused with last night... wow, I have no idea what was wrong with my head. That's a blonde moment for the books.
Apologies for my idiocy.
2030111
yeah.... its only 1000 words
Hmm I like the emotion to it, and for something put up in an hour that is very good,
2030570
yeah, im not sure... last night i was ok with it, but now im thinking i went too fast, didn't put ANY detail into it and im starting to hate it.
2030734
well....it did feel a little rushed through out. The idea and feeling is there, just not in great detail. Though that being said I still enjoyed it
2030746
i need to have a co-author to do these things for me...
2030761
Sadly I am no writer....I love to read...but when I try and write....well it comes out as a horrible mess
2030746
idk, i need someone to reform my ideas after i can shoot them out like this story.
2030811
well I am free to hear your ideas and help you I guess refine them if you want, I can help build ideas its just I am never able to put them into words, unless I am just putting them into words stating the ideas
2030829
no what i mean is like with this story, id want a lackey to go back in, add minute details, fix grammar and punctuation.
2030908
Ah well I misunderstood then, I really do not know if I would be able to help at all sadly...other than what I am doing now
2030917
haha okay
2030966
Well in my blog I have ideas and such, feel free to look, I for one look forward to your works, co-author or not.
2030976
umm okay?
2030984
Wow...my comments do seem rather strange don't they?
2030991
kind of
2030995
Huh I guess we are all entitled to our strange moments
I'm disappointed with the low amount of views on this new project, I thought from the following I had amassed from sparkle family secrets, anything else I wrote would get at least a decent number of views.
Wow, It's pretty good, I have to admit
I will wait patiently for the next chapter to come out
2053764
im not sure about this story... i mean it has all positive reviews SO FAR. but it doesn't even have 100 views yet.
2053780 I'm sure it will ! Just keep up and continue the good work
It is one of the best Trixie fic I have read so far and I gotta tell you I read a lot about trixie
2053804
oh trixie!
I like it. Needs editing though.
2098090
idk if i like it anymore
next tie use a bank
2918052
lol, trixie doesnt believe in banks
any more or is this one of the many dead fics
2951425
idk... i havent done anything for a while
Rather swell.