• Member Since 23rd Jan, 2013
  • offline last seen Oct 20th, 2015

SteelyStrings32T


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After her duel with Twilight, Trixie set out on her own to try and restart her life. For the first week, things were looking up for her, she was putting on free performances in Manehatten's park, collecting tips, and never lifted a hoof against hecklers. For once in her life, Trixie believed that her life could get better. By the second week however, Trixie was plagued by severe nightmares of her past actions in Ponyville as well as painful memories from her past. Eventually, the nightmares get so bad that she is at her breaking point and in desperate need of help. Trixie decides to return back to Ponyville to seek help from the one pony who doesn't resent her, Twilight Sparkle. There, Trixie will find a new way to restart her life and both mares will discover hidden feelings for each other.

My first attempt at a Twixie fic as well as my first fic in general that was written on my iPad. Any helpful/ constructive criticism would be much appreciated.

Chapters (4)
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Comments ( 81 )

It's spelled Ponyville. The "v" isn't supposed to be capitalized.

Im liking this so far.

As I've said before, something as evil as the 'Alicorn Amulet' is going to still affect you, even if you take it off. I will be keeping an eye on this story.

Oooh this has some potential i will keep a eye on this story for now.
Twixie is one of my favorite pairings and its not done all that often.

I'm looking forward to the next chapter

I'm sorry I can't take this.:fluttercry:

How Twilight going to explain to her friends about having Trixie as her new roommate?

This has my attention now.:moustache:

interesting this looks, read later i must :derpytongue2:

Could use some pre-readers, and I don't mean for editing purposes. These chapters are moving much too quickly, and don't hold the emotion it says the characters are feeling. Twilight's practically Fluttershy-levels of kindness and Rarity-levels of generosity. While I expect her to be kind and generous and all around a good friend, she'd only accepted Trixie's apology when Trixie left town - they hadn't become friends. But now she's treating her as if she were one of the Mane Six. Trixie's also spilled her entire relevant backstory in one go, an infodump. While that may be more realistic, it kind of takes away from the read.

Just a few notes to consider in the future.

Spacecowboy
Moderator

Twixie? And fast paced emotionless writing?

Burn in a fire. Trixie is a cunt, keep her away from the librarian.

Hmmmmmm.... :trixieshiftleft:
so far this is not bad, but it is also nothing special.
There are a ton of stories like this out there. Trixie having a terrible past as a reason for her behavior. Her coming to Twilight for help and both of them falling in love for each other over the course of Trixie getting better.... :trixieshiftright:

This also feels very rushed and things happen way faster then someone would expect.
Again, please don't get me wrong, this is not half bad, but it really needs something that would make it stand out a little and a pacing that makes us care more about the characters.
I'm following to see where this is going :twilightsmile:

2836773

Maybe YOU should appreciate the time that went into this story.
In her own right, Trixie is NOT a bad character. The fandom has many head-cannons about her past, And I can even direct you to another story that describes so.

As it is, this story is written for the viewer's enjoyment, and it was ALSO clearly stated that this was the author's first attempt at a Twixie Fanfic.

Don't like it? Don't read it. In fact, why are you even looking?

Spacecowboy
Moderator

2837638
Why? To state my opinion, and to have fun when someone responded, of course! Thank you for being that person.

While the whole arguement can be made about Trixie's character, in the show, she comes across as an interesting individual. If by interesting, I mean the epitome of everything that I particularly despise in people today. Egotistical is the first Adjective that comes to mind to describe this illustruous character. She puts on a show that centers on humiliating other people and 'one-upping' them. Based on this fact alone, I'd have enough fuel to justifiably hate her.

Now, let's take a look at the alicorn amulet, shall we? Trixie marches back in, still with her mental health issues that have her referring to herself in third person speech the entire time. She manages to exile Twilight, even if only for a short period of time, from her home, all for the sake of revenge. Now, please, do tell me. How can anyone LIKE this character? I haven't even gone into the finer dissection of her piss poor character, and already, she's a massive cunt.

Now, as to this author's attempt at writing. It's not bad, but nothing stands out at all. We get a massive expositional dump on Trixie's backstory, and honestly, it's not that great. Oh boo hoo, we're supposed to feel bad for the egotistical mare who has done nothing but ridicule the inhabitants of Ponyville? Nope, I don't. One could construct her backstory as being living out on the streets, and you know what? I wouldn't give two shits, let alone one. Now. the next glaring issue is that everyone seems oh-so forgiving of her, and she's treated as if she were there with the Main Six during the confrontation of Nightmare Moon. They just instantly accept her with open arms.

If you'd paid a little more attention to the original comment, I was hating on the pairing more than the author. There's a LOT of mistakes and flow issues that removes 90% of the potential of this story, and it is 'simply another Twixie story' that gets featured because for some odd reason, people like the cunt mare. I'm sorry, but keep that bitch far away from Twilight.

Your Serve.

2836773
Dont like, dont read it U cunt!... :flutterrage:
2837638
Argeed :twilightsmile:

2837697 Now that you have pointed out your obvious bias, and said your piece, do you have any "...helpful criticisms..." for the author? You said that this story could of had potential, but because of mistakes and issues with flow, 90% of that potential had been lost. Well, as an author yourself, I think it'd be considerate of you to at least leave some specifics that this particular author could improve on. The mistakes will point out themselves. All I ask of you is give some suggestions on how to fix those mistakes.

2837830 Hey now, no need for name calling.

2837697

Well, you are asking for a challenge.

Tell me, what did her PAST actions on the SHOW have anything to do with this? From what I'm reading and feeling through your comment, you are referring to Mainstream/Cannon Trixie, who was a up-stuck bitch who though she was higher then any pony, and could out due all in Magic.

Let's take a look DEEPER at her first arrival. The show only shelled out 4 ponies, not the rest of the town. How do YOU know that was her job?
Her workings are with ILLUSION MAGIC. With Illusion Magic, there are no rules, and there are no restrictions. Illusion magic is strictly something to boast about, because she FEELS her magic is best. While this is not entirely true, she can pass up for above average.

Taking a look at the Alicorn Amulet Episode, yes, Trixie did it out of revenge. And Severe Mental Issues. I actually have no arguments there, as I Personally hate that dammed amulet.
Hey Hasbro, OP much?

Now on the subject of the BACK STORY... You cunt. You don't realize how much work goes into some of the greater back stories or the plot set up for Trixie.
You can have her as a street girl, as a failed student, as an actress, It doesnt. MATTER. What matters is what the story/author will DO with that back story.

Here's a fine example: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/37836/of-maids-and-mistresses
Over 100,000 words PURELY for readers, and focuses on Trixie and Twilight, and the evolution of their romance through events you would not expect. If you can top that story, I would not believe you.

As for TWILIGHT'S part in this, there are so many head-cannons she can have, I would doubt she was forgotten. Twilight is a very studious mare who wants to learn EVERY thing she can on the Magic of Friendship. And what better way then to help Trixie?
The thing is, Friendship has several levels. You've got Acquaintances, Friends, Best Friends, True Friends, Friends with Benefits, and then it goes into Relationships.

If YOU hate this pairing, so will a few others. But MANY enjoy a classic Twixie pairing like I. If you can't be bothered, then why the hell are you still looking at this story?

Alrighty, let's see what we have here. There are a few errors and things I didn't include in this comment, but what I did include will hopefully help you. I'd recommend going back and rewriting this chapter in the future, as the first chapter can be one of the most important ones.

It's been two weeks since Trixie ran away from Ponyville once again.

Starting off, this needs to be in past tense. Using "it's" makes it sound like there is a narrator telling us what is going on, while this is not the case.

She had single-hoofedly seized control of a rural pony town all in the pursuit of vengeance.

There needs to be a break between "town" and "all", maybe toss in the conjunction "and"
"She had single-hoofedly seized control of a rural pony town, and all in the pursuit of vengeance."

Another issue is your repetitious use of Trixie's name. You have a lot of "Trixie did this..." and "This happened to Trixie..." (especially near the beginning of the story), which brings me to my next point. You need to try and work on showing vs. telling, specifically in the segment about her performances in Manehatten. The way this chapter is written as if it was a character bio, with just straight-forward information. You do have a few mental asides that help keep the story moving, but overall, the story is very lacking in depth, emotion, and momentum. While the concept you're using in this story may not be the most original, I still see some potential. You're writing isn't bad...but there is a lot of things that you can work to improve on. :twilightsmile:

This chapter is... more like a summary of several than a chapter. Kind of an exposition dump, really. Just kinda plods along telling us what happened without letting us experience it. You could probably stretch this out to two or three chapters easily, having Trixie interact with ponies, put on shows and begin having her nightmares.

Guys lay off Steely, I am Steely' s new editor for this story and many more to come. She has great writing skills, they just need to be tuned and refined. Great job Strings. :pinkiehappy:

2837697 dude really there is a few things that could of happened when she was gone like, her realizing her actions, a change of heart, etc.

Her father...wow. That's extreme, Antarctic-levels of coldness. I though my stepfather was bad, but damn, at least he has some compassion. You could replace this guy with a robot, and no one would be able to tell the difference.

2838160

Better idea: Start the story by having Trixie show up at the library and then actually tell Twilight all of this. That would save a lot of time, and there's nothing wrong with exposition if there is a good reason for it.

I like it, but something about the dialogue strikes me as a little too blunt. Some of these sentences don't sound like anything a real person would say, it's just too straightforward to be believable. Also, these emotional scenes seem a little over-the-top sappy, and sometimes it can ruin the mood you were trying to set. However, I do like Twilight and Trixie's personalities in this: neither are too OOC to be unbelievable, but they're still different enough to work in this kind of story.

I agree that this feels rushed, but it has a lot of potential. Keep at it!

2837697 Wow your the only one who makes a good point and yet no one cares!:trollestia::pinkiehappy:

The reader's enthusiasm I had died in the first chapter.

I don't know if the actual story is well written or not, but the entire first chapter doesn't feel right. There's dropping everything on someone's lap, and then there's weaving exposition into the story. It's done all too fast, and I don't feel like I'm in any characters' heads.

Her normal attendants
Attendees is the word. VIPs have attendants (people who tend to their needs); Performances have audiences or attendees; meetings have attendees or participants.

.....:fluttershysad: poor trixie. :fluttercry: Her father is a asshole.:twilightangry2:

I'm afraid I just can't believe the Trixie in this. She's too soft, in particular she manages to ask for help just fine, which is very odd when you consider how prideful she is. Even if you aptly consider Twilight as a mind-altering substance, I would expect her pride to assert itself at least intermittently, since it's clearly a long-established habit.

But by all means carry on, I'm sure your characterization will improve as you write more.

2840963 Now that I think about it you do have a point about trixie asking for help just fine.

Spacecowboy
Moderator

2837894
Yes, yes, yes and yes.

Problem is, the author here failed to craft anything that makes Trixie stand out while also retaining her character and what makes her her. It seems like they've gotten an editor, so hopefully it'll improve with some heavy work, but as it is now, this is simply another worthless Trixie and Twilight story that fails to make an impact, or just ends up a smear on the windshield.

I hate Trixie, but I have read some stories where the author actually did their job and and beyond and made it a good read. The Teacher, Sorceress and the Wonderbolt is one, although a bit cloppy, The Empty Room, not really Twixie, but Trixie's character is captured well, and The Ballad of Twilight Sparkle, a well written Twixie.

By the way, really immature to name call there pal. And oh, I wouldn't want to top the story you linked, as I'd rather do unspeakable things than write a Twixie. I'd make a more logical and thought out ending and additions to this comment, but really, there's no point to even as tired as I am. You really didn't address much there. The concern was that the Trixie here failed hard, and is not believable as a character. Again, with an editor, or two, or three, the author can turn this into something that draws more than rabid Twixie lovers [such as yourself] to it.

EDIT - Also forgot The Piano Man. That's a spine chilling portrayal of Trixie that I enjoyed.

Some of the character development seems a bit robotic here. There was very little tension in the storytelling, everything was set up from the beginning of the story, which took a good bit of punch out of the end of it. I cant say for certain if that was on purpose or not, it makes perfect sense, but I feel it could have been more captivating with a little more description in some areas to really show the characters emotions. Sorry Im not being super specific it just felt like something was missing from the narrative. Other than that I only have this to say.

Removing From Read Later List :pinkiegasp:

Adding To Favorite List :pinkiehappy:

Your description needs some work. Your description is the first impression of a story and currently it's giving a very bad one.

After her duel with Twilight, Trixie set out on her own to try and restart her life.

You start in past tense.

By the second week however, Trixie starts to get plagued by severe nightmares of her past actions in PonyVille as well as painful memories from her past.

You then switch into present tense for no reason. Tense changes are the uncanny valley effect for writing. It's bad, don't do it. This should also probably be a new paragraph.

Also it's "Ponyville" no capital V.

There, Trixie will find a new way to restart her life and both mares will discover hidden feelings for each other.

This is completely unnecessary. Don't tell us how things will develop. Leave it a question, a mystery. A mystery is much more intriguing than when you tell me how it is going to end.

Currently because of the poorly constructed description I have zero desire to read this piece. Fix it.

Eventually, the nightmares get so bad that she is at her breakong point and in desperate need of help.

(Might want to change that...) :derpytongue2:

Sorry, couldn't help it... Good story though~ :pinkiesmile:

Need to expand on details and not rush the explanations of things. This entire chapter (Ch2.) Seemed extremely rushed. There was not a lot of development of Trixies character despite you having stated through her own monologue, Twilights perspective, and the narrative, that she has gone through major changes in the past two weeks.

It is not impossible for life altering events to happen in two weeks time and change everything. It just needs to be shown more so than just saying that for once she put on a good show.

Being a showmare means you can put on a mask for the crowd. For all intents and purposes it could have been an act, one that was indeed working well in Manehatten, but an act nonetheless.

Good luck.

That moment when you find a really promising Fic :pinkiegasp: Starts reading all sophisticated like :moustache: Notices you can't scroll any further :rainbowderp: Goes back to website and sees "Incomplete" :raritycry:

Well this made me cry a little :fluttercry:

Can't wait for next chapter :rainbowkiss:

Time to be that guy:

"If she could free me from the Alicorn Amulet, she can free me from these horrible dreams."

Should be italicized, and without quotes.

PonyVille

Noticed this in the first chapter. Could be like Applebloom and Apple Bloom, but it just struck me oddly, considering most "villes" are lowercase in their native spellings.

Taking a deep breath to calm herself, Trixie delved into her story of woe.


I grew up in a suburb in the city of Fillydelphia.

There should be asterisks or some similar divisor in between those two sentences. On another note, I like how you did the flashback, using italics for real-time dialogue, to contrast and remove the need for interrupting divisors.

set out to fulfill her destiny

Needs the punctuation. Also, another set of asterisks/divisors right after this.

Also issues throughout with inconsistent/missing indentations and creating new paragraphs with dialogue.

I don't have the intention to rudely criticize, in case I sounded like such. I still like the story, there's just mistakes to point out.

I really like the idea, but... big Wall of Exposition makes the story feel somewhat detached, like a biography.

Trixie narrating to Twilight is one possibility, but I liked how the chapter ended with her at Twilight's door; it's neat. Another idea is to have Trixie reflecting on it as she is preparing to knock on the door. (Could even try first-person narration, though that'd be a big change to the entire story.)

Edit: Also, in the next chapter you're narrating from both ponies' perspectives alternately, so the first-person thing wouldn't work at all.

JDC

2836773
2837697
Whoa there. It's fine to have an opinion, but telling someone to 'burn in a fire' crosses so many lines it isn't funny. Also:
If you'd paid a little more attention to the original comment, I was hating on the pairing more than the author.
'Burn in a fire' makes it seem like your hatred is focused almost exclusively on the author.

As for the actual opinion I've quoted, let's see what happens when I analyze it.

While the whole arguement can be made about Trixie's character, in the show, she comes across as an interesting individual. If by interesting, I mean the epitome of everything that I particularly despise in people today. Egotistical is the first Adjective that comes to mind to describe this illustruous character. She puts on a show that centers on humiliating other people and 'one-upping' them. Based on this fact alone, I'd have enough fuel to justifiably hate her.

On the surface, she certainly does have a lot of things that would make me dislike her intensely, but going as far as actually hating is actually a bad idea. Hatred is only good for destroying stuff, and it's best aimed at sins, not sinners. Nothing justifies hating the sinNER, IMHO, and love does a far better job at destroying the sinful nature and saving the sinner, while you still get a healthy dose of vengeance with wracking the sinner with guilt.

However, bullies may have hidden motives for being like that, they may be caught in a lie where they measure their self-worth by how others percieve them (which is completely bogus, everyone is an equal, regardless of their nature), and will do ANYTHING to maintain an image of being powerful. Why? Because if they don't, they might perceive themselves as worthless, which can lead to depression, and depression is HELL on Earth (trust me, I know). Depression such as that is something to be genuinely afraid of. It's a bit hard to blame people for wanting to avoid such self-destructive negative emotions, particularly depression, and if people believe that facing what they believe is the truth would lead to that, then they'll hide behind lies to protect themselves.

As for what Trixie did in Boast Busters, her bullying started off when Rainbow Dash heckled Trixie! Trixie didn't start the bullying off without provocation. Her ego is probably her only defence against the 'truth' that she feels worthless, and she would be desperate to maintain it. It would explain why she keeps going on with her ridiculous lies and goes into full-on denial at the end of that episode.

Now, let's take a look at the alicorn amulet, shall we? Trixie marches back in, still with her mental health issues that have her referring to herself in third person speech the entire time. She manages to exile Twilight, even if only for a short period of time, from her home, all for the sake of revenge. Now, please, do tell me. How can anyone LIKE this character?

Don't you think someone with mental health issues deserves some sympathy for having them? They can be pretty brutal and out of the control of whoever has them (trust me, I know). As for the Alicorn Amulet, it was stated to have an evil corrupting influence on its wearer, so it's a form of mind control. You can't judge Trixie's level of evil when she's suffering from evil mind control. Once she's broken out of it, she does NOT like what the amulet did to her, and she actually came down off her high horse pony and apologised, and became a bit less egotistical (better than no change).

Well written villains, whether they are truly evil (Discord before partial reformation by Fluttershy), or people that are not quite evil, but messed up (Trixie Lulamoon) can make for interesting characters, and are liked for those reasons. People that became somewhat evil due to being messed up by life, rather than a conscious choice to go evil, are also far more likeable than those who choose to be malicious smegheads (although technically, I'd still love the latter, even though I'd dislike them intensely).

That's as far as it goes for canon Trixie.

<i>Now, as to this author's attempt at writing. It's not bad, but nothing stands out at all. We get a massive expositional dump on Trixie's backstory, and honestly, it's not that great. Oh boo hoo, we're supposed to feel bad for the egotistical mare who has done nothing but ridicule the inhabitants of Ponyville? Nope, I don't. One could construct her backstory as being living out on the streets, and you know what? I wouldn't give two *****, let alone one. Now. the next glaring issue is that everyone seems oh-so forgiving of her, and she's treated as if she were there with the Main Six during the confrontation of Nightmare Moon. They just instantly accept her with open arms.</i>

I'm no expert writer, but it didn't seem too bad, a bit of tension as Trixie starts to fall apart, and only once she hits rock bottom does she even want to risk going after Twilight Sparkle for help, rather than maintaining the no-longer-maintainable tough facade. As for the exposition, I really don't see what was wrong with that, it's not like other stuff was happening in the story. As for the backstory, it gives motives behind why Trixie acted the way she did, she was wounded, and being heckled (see Boast busters) would open deep wounds and make her lash out in anger (which inevitably leads to not caring about inflicting pain and suffering on others). It's not the same as being malicious and revelling in inflicting pain and suffering on others for the lulz (e.g. Discord). With this information, it is supposed to make readers feel sorry for Trixie, especially due to the unfair and pretty much 'unprovoked' treatment from her father, which is what twisted her in the first place. It's not like she chose to be a jerk to others at all. Protip: Don't judge a person's character if you don't know the motives behind their actions. Judging by what you see on the surface means you're using incomplete evidence, and pre-conceived 'obvious' motives that may be false. As for being forgiven, remember that the Mane 6 are EXTREMELY loving characters, with unusually high amounts of compassion, and it's something Twilight is studying (love, via the 'magic of friendship'). Really compassionate people are extremely forgiving to repentant people, and Trixie DID repent right in front of Twilight Sparkle after the Alicorn Amulet incident. There was no 'sudden' forgiveness out of nowhere, that already happened at the end of Magic Duel. Furthermore, once the truth is exposed about how badly broken she is, and what lead her to be the way she was, of course they'd want to love her and fix the problem.

If you were dealing with an evildoer, would you rather:
A. Mercilessly harm/destroy them, or:
B. Severely punish them, teach them the error of their ways (which will involve a fair bit of vengeance by guilt-tripping them, which is intentional), search for past events in their life that would have lead them astray (and try to fix these), and make sure they stopped being a foolish idiot, and started being smart and loving instead?

Bear in mind B has loads of vengeance as well as A, but it's not aimed at being destructive.

I'd ALWAYS go with B, even with scum like Adolf Hitler (of course, in cases like THAT, I'd still go for life imprisonment without parole, I have very little sympathy for that sort of evil).

TLDR version: Don't judge someone when you aren't aware of their motives behind their behaviour. You could be way off. Hate the sin, not the sinner. I don't think the writing was that bad TBH.

so not sure if this is intentional and i don't want to be rude but trixie seems to speak in third person AND first person. if this is intentional then i would like to know the grammatical reasoning behind this. Once again not trying to be rude. Just trying to learn.

P.S. my grammar is pretty bad on this comment cause im not THAT good at grammar and it was 1 am when i wrote this

Wow her father is such a asshole.

2852854 I've noticed that when she's talking casually, she speaks in third person. When she is being serious, she talks normally.

2854886 ok i understand now. Thank you

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