The old green man yells again.
In all Samos' years, he would had never knew the world he lived in could connect to another one, he has spent searching answers for the precursors, but to mix this world with the other, now that was fascinating. He never even tried this, a strange man came to Samos, and told him of a Precursor portal, that which got his attention.
Anyways, Samos was looking for Jak, he always gets himself at risk, and Daxter, well...he was more than trouble, annoyance was his specialty.
"Jak, Jak! Where is that boy? I habeas to tell him what I learned, just hope that furball doesn't wreck it, he also has to clean up the place, lazy mutt."
Jak appeared from the roof of Samos' hut, that got Samos out by surprise.
"Agh! Oh, jak, please don't do that! I'm not as young as I was for surprises."
"Well grenny, you know jak is pretty great with jumping, since he Oscar my sidekick, am right jak?" Daxter always calls jak hos sidekick, jak was a bit not happy about being called love that, he mostly ignores Daxter, but they're good friends, he always Oscar on jak's shoulder.
Jak as a teen, was wondering if there was a different world, he is mute, daxter talks for jak, sometimes.
Ever since jak and Daxter defeated Gol and Maia from opening the dark eco silo, jak wondered if he was a true hero.
"Listen, you two, I believed I've had rumors of a so called Precursor portal, they say it's hidden in the Sentinel Beach, into the rocks, but I know you'll find it. Just take the rat with you."
"Hey!"
As jak traveled to the beach, in another world, were there were ponies, lived a very special unicorn, she was purple, she always has friendship, her name is Twilight Sparkle, she was the student of the Princess of Equestria, Celestia. Twilight always studied her books in her tree house, her assistant and friend, Spike would always help her in any way he can.
Twilight was told by a pony about a spell to mix worlds, she thought it was dull, but she was, as always, curious.
She wrote a note to celestia, she asked it there was such thing about this book, she waited for an answer, but she didn't Gordon it yet.
"What did you wrote anyways, twilight?" Spike asked his friend, he was very bored to wait.
"A pony came to me the other day, and told about this book, a book to teleport worlds, as in, to mix one world with the other. At first I thought it was impossible, but I just don't know if its real or not, the princess could know."
The letter from the princess arrived.
It said:
Dear Twilight:
" I have not heard of such book, but if you think it's real, try to find other, but please be careful, a life is more importat than a book."
Your teacher: Celestia.
"Come on Spike, we got a book to find".
Back to jak:
At sentinel beach, the place looked peaceful enough, there are few lurkers lurking around, but nothing jak can't handle, at the shore he saw like a portal, only bigger, and was made by precursor technology, it looked heavy to lift.
"Oh boy, this might take a while,hey what is that button do? daxter pressed the button, and the portal formed itself, it was placed at the center shore of Sentinel Beach." Samos communicated the boys.
"Well done jak, I'll be there with Kiera in a few minutes, in the meantime why not wait for us there?"
Daxter started to complain.
"Great, now we wait for them?! What's next, weirdos?"
At Twilight.
"Twilight, are you're sure were in the right place? This beach sure is hot."
"That pony gave me coordinates, I'm sure he was telling the truth."
They looked everywhere in the beach, in the sea, in the sands, digging out the sand, just when twilight was thinking it was a trick.
" I don't understand, was he lying to me?! Was this a stupid game?! "
"Twilight calm down, it could be here, somewhere."
At sentinel beach:
"I've never seen any portal like this, it must had been hard to get it working". Keira said as she saw the portal, how big it was, Daxter said it was not hard.
"Well boys, this hovercraft should take you two safe, well, probably, well call you from here, tell us what you find."
As jak mounted the hovercraft, but daxter didn't.
"Hey jak, I'll stay and look out for samos."
Jak grabbed Daxter, as jak pressed the button the hovercraft was turning on, and they both drove through the Portal.
Spike spotted a big light at the shore.
"Twilight, what is that light thing?"
Twilight saw it, her books didn't say anything of this light.
"I don't know, we should be careful, wait, it's getting bigger.
Jak and daxter went very fast, when they reached the end of the teleporting, they were sent flying straight to Everfree forest, but both heard a yell they saw it crashed to the forest, the portal was still open.
"What was that?!" Spike asked in fear. As the crash was very loud, nearly ponyville could hear it, twilight was very curious, so she went to the forest as fast as she could, leaving the portal behind for now.
Jak and Daxter survived the crash, thoug8 the hovercraft was destroyed.
"That is the last time I ever, EVER, use any precursor crap!"
Jak looked around, he had no idea were he was, but he walked through the forest.
"Jak, wait up."
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A few parts have bad grammar but this is a pretty good idea.
I didn't do a good job?
Told ya i'd read it, now we examine:
1. I played the Jak and Daxter games, but wasn't nearly as big of a fan as my friend was so it's not exactly my cup of tea.
2.Your grammar is mostly correct, except for a few capitalization errors here and there.
3. I had a bit of trouble at times telling who was speaking since it jumps around a lot.
4.The story feels too forced and jumps around too much.
5. Being your first story, this is to be expected that it isn't exactly the best. I recommend that you ask around on the site for a good editor or two, and some pre-readers (I will not do either of these things, sorry). It's always a good thing to NEVER self-edit your own stories. Always get someone else to do it for you. I recommend that you fix up the first chapter (Hopefully with the help of editors) before continuing this story. If of course you're doing this for fun and don't care what people think, then go ahead.
Aww, I read Jax and thought it was a League of Legends crossover ;-;
I liked it, though I have to agree, the grammar made it hard at times.
Send me a PM if you wish for me to edit/ pre-read. I'm interested, but I warn you, I may not be the best. It'll be useful to have a second set of eyes though.
Brony on!
Hey man. Havent read yet but i hope it doesnt disappoint. i'm actually in the process of writing my own J&D fic. check it out on my page if you want. good luck
edit: not a bad plot but your grammar is atrocious. you might want to find an editor
I also have a jak and daxter fic out
2027454 and before now i think we were the only two
No offence, but this needs a lot of work. In all honesty, it looks like you just shoved the whole thing through a word processor, clicking AutoCorrect on the spelling errors and not bothering to check what came out. I mean, for example:
That paragraph makes little to no sense whatsoever. I highly recommend that you get a decent editor to work out the kinks, but I'll leave you with a piece of advice: you don't need to use full stops ( . these things) in the title of the fic or in chapter names. They're reserved for normal sentences only.
Well, that's about it from me. Good luck!
~Gherkin8088, the self-proclaimed Crossover Guy
I read the first paragraph, and then my brain literally shattered into pieces. Where do I even begin....? Oh, right, with the title. To start with, capitalize every word of the title AND chapter names except the insignificant ones like "the" or "of", unless they're the first word, obviously. So it would be "My Little Pony: The Legacy of Jak".
In all Samos' years,
Now, for four words in, that's not bad. But you need to learn how possessives work. An apostrophe after an 's' is for plural possessives, and since Samos is one guy, he's not plural. It should be "In all Samos's years".
he would had never knew the world he lived in could connect to another one,
There's a meme that this reminds me of, but I'll refrain from posting it (mostly because I don't feel like looking it up). Those first few words are just mush, honestly. They're a jumble of words that break my eyes and mix tense like I never would be having thought of possible. Use one word at a time and frugally build up your meaning, word-brick by word-brick, until you arrive at "he never would have known the world he lived in could connect to another one". And even then, it should be "never would have guessed", because if he does know now, there's a chance he could have known earlier. Also, end this sentence here, because "In all Samos's years, he never would have guessed the world he lived in could connect to another one." is a complete thought.
"he has spent searching answers for the precursors."
Spent what? Money? "To spend" is a very tricky verb, because most of the time you need another word paired with it to describe what, exactly, is spent. I'm assuming you mean he "spent years". And he didn't search "answers", he searched "for answers", because "searching answers for the Precursors" implies he has the answers on hand and is hunting through the answers themselves searching for little ottsels. Also, since "Precursor" is a proper noun, it's capitalized. "He spent years searching for answers to the Precursors." The Precursors' what? You need a noun here, something like "secrets". "He spent years searching for answers to the Precursors' secrets." Notice how this possessive is an apostrophe after an "s", because "the Precursors" is plural.
"but to mix this world with the other, now that was fascinating"
You're mixing a character's thoughts into prose. While it can be done well....this isn't. "He spent years searching for answers to the Precursors' secrets, but...." Wait, no but. You never explained how he learned about the other world, and you need to explain that before you talk about how it fascinated him, otherwise it's a logical error. And if the first sentence is him reminiscing about how foolish he was for thinking differently, you need to make that clear before you make the first two sentences blatantly contradict each other. EDIT: Wait, actually, since that's all one big sentence, you made the SAME SENTENCE contradict itself.
"He never even tried this, a strange man came to Samos, and told him of a Precursor portal, that which got his attention."
Never tried what? Mixing two worlds? He could he? He didn't know there were two worlds to be mixed. You explain there's a man who tells him about the Precursor portal, but that needs to come before he finds out it's possible. A good version of this opening paragraph would be, "In all Samos's years, he never would have dreamed that his world connected to another one, yet that's exactly what the stranger was telling him. And not only that, but that a Precursor portal was the connection point. Samos had spent his entire life trying to unlock the secrets of those ancient sages, but even he never once imagined they could have accomplished that...."
That's just the FIRST PARAGRAPH I deconstructed, and I already have this whole big post. Now, I'm not saying you'll never be a good writer, but this is not good writing. You need to seriously study the mechanics of how language works, because language, when you boil it down, is mathematics. You construct sentences like you construct equations to arrive at a desired result. Writing bad prose because you're not familiar with the rules is like mixing up the addition sign and the multiplication sign. You get incorrect results, and no one will take you seriously.
2027288
"Your grammar is mostly correct, except for a few capitalization errors here and there"
I literally almost spit my tea everywhere when I read that.
No. Just....no.
2027655 Do explain.
2027662
Did you not see the screen-filling post I made about all the grammar errors in his/her first paragraph alone?
2027668 Honestly, I just skimmed the story and just remember the grammar to be adequate enough to read.
2027622
Sorry, but you're absolutely wrong on the first point. You never, ever, ever indicate a possessive by adding apostrophe s after another s. "Samos'" would be correct.
2027905
Strunk and White say differently, I'm afraid.
Although I'm guessing this is one of those things where different traditions do it differently, like APA versus MLA versus Chicago.
2027929
Only for words where the s is unpronounced.
2027953>>2027953
The book says "whatever the final consonant". In both "Charles" and "Burns", the "s" is pronounced, and yet the manual says add an apostrophe and an "s".
2027967
Oh, okay then.
2027974
Like I said, this is probably just a difference between styles. I prefer Oxford style myself, but if another tradition says don't add an "s", then I guess both ways are acceptable.
2027967
BUT SERIOUSLY
2027988
Nathan Fillion. Class act, all the way.
2027675How much did you skim? Because I couldn't find a single sentence that didn't have some sort of grammar, spelling, or punctuation mistake in it. And I would agree with what the others have said. The author NEEDS a pre-reader and an editor.
Though I do like the concept. I will track this purely because I'm a fan of the Jak and Daxter games, but please get an editor/pre-reader.
2028254 Skim as in I read the story in under a minute.
2028267Kinda figured. This story has so many mistakes its not even funny. But I am giving it a chance to improve.
2027469 there is someone with a fic with just dax called daxter 2
I like this. Whens next chapter?
4328900
"Jan 26th, 2013"
"Dark Jak last seen 65w, 2d ago"
I'm sure it'll be along aaaaaany day now.
5141192 3 years later...