• Member Since 3rd Jan, 2012
  • offline last seen May 19th, 2023

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E

Lucid Snooze distanced himself from the rest of Equestria. And then he met the mare of his dreams. But will he be able to make his dreams become a reality? But if your talent is dreaming, how do you make it happen? Will he be able to swoon Pinkie's heart?

Chapters (2)
Comments ( 13 )

Wow, just, Wow.

(Clap,Clap,Clap,Clap,Clap,cont....):pinkiehappy:

I really liked the story! Good job! Now onto my thoughts, was Lucid dreaming the sad ending of him kidnapping pinkie pie? or was he dreaming the happy ending? I guess we'll never know because of that ending. Can you please add the 7 words that will make this story happy please? "and he landed safely on the ground." yay happy ending!:pinkiehappy:

131602

Well Lucid definitely dreamed the sad ending, but the question is: Did he have a dream within a dream? :derpyderp1: And happy endings are overrated. :rainbowlaugh:

lol, he jumped...nice

Well this is somewhat disappointing :fluttershysad: I was hoping the story would make it to the premiere five thing up top.

How does a story even get on there?!?! :flutterrage:

Fin

131683 Happy endings are never over rated... in fact this site has too few :pinkiesad2: just my opinion though.

anyway good story.
-Fin

wait, he jumped? like up and down? or out a window? i'm sorry, but I don't get it... liked the rest of it though...

136011

Horsefeathers, I was afraid someponies wouldn't get my ending. :pinkiesad2:

Lucid jumps whenever he is unsure if he is dreaming or not. :yay:

136033

sorry for not catching onto that through out the story, but I really do like it! :twilightoops:

Such a cute story yet so sad:applecry:

Filly is exclusively referring to young female ponies. Foals would work better.

Starting sequence, was Ok. Gives enough details about the story for a nice start and it holds my attention neatly. But the sequence comes in which you describe his parents, which completely broke the flow of the story. I know you wanted to provide some backstory for Lucid Snooze (I see what you did here!), but I don't really think it fits... maybe you could scatter such information about his parents on different parts of the story (hard to say since the story is already complete). The 'flashback arc' is fine; just the two paragraphs that hold the description of his parents are what bothers me.There are very few instances where the text is flat (to be frank, I found it so only on Plushie White's description).

Confusion with titles, 2K: Filly = young mare. Colt = young stallion.
Hmmm... the marker that separates him looking at the dark clouds and him opening the door to the guards could've been better. I mean, the 'end' with him watching the clouds is fine, but the beginning of what came after the marker should have something more in it. Perhaps making the colt play, happily wonder, [insert happy stuff here], etc. This would be a nice 'calm before the storm' feel that would pack a nice suspense along with it.

One thing that gets me: Lucid knows that his life would be better with friends. And yet, he doesn't want to make some. Either he is:
A) Punishing himself for their death. If this is the case, more clarification is required (in a subtle, gentle way).
B) Some Deus Ex Machina on your part to exploit his loneliness to the max; making the plot advance and the reader feel empathy.
(This same problem can be viewed by his apparent duality over his parents. He blames them. He loves them.)
Yes, both parts need more elaboration. Lucid is like an emotional pipe-bomb. Sad/Happy at second's end.

His love for Pinks could've also been more... how can I say this... clearly conducted? I just think that skipping 30 days in his life is really bad. Of course you don't have to write each and every day he spent there, but you could add "on Xth day (or refrain from counting them) he went out with her", "on Yth day, both ponies just sat down and talked for hours, gazing the stars" or something like this.

AND: GRIMDARK CLIFFHANGER! Onwards with chapteern 2!

Pinkie seems awfully cheery for a pony who, up until the day prior, didn't want to see him for a while. Wait, I don't really see how this- OH! YOU SLY DOG, YOU! :trollestia:
That sentence in the ending, "He jumped." kind of killed the 'multiple ending' possibility. Everything was pointing towards it being real, but that sentence gave a too big of a hint towards us that he was dreaming. Without it, then the text would be left open for such interpretations:
A) Lucid dreamed the sad part of him abducting Pinkie (which is plausible, since you showed us that he 'liked' punishing himself) and then waking up for real.
B) Lucid effectively killing Pinkie and entering on a dream-state upon knowing of his imminent death.
C) Dreamception!

And this makes me go back to him tying Pinks up; that felt somewhat... strange on his part. I would understand if he were one American Psycho-like yuppie, but everything points out toward him not being one. So I question: was there really a need for him to kidnap her? It may seem like a Deus Ex Machina to get you to the ending you desired. But I don't know what could've been done in that sequence's place.

And, I'm done. :pinkiehappy: I know it is almost pointless to criticize this, since it is an early work. But yeah, tips are tips, man! :twilightsmile:
PS: I always stand dumbstruck at how well I can criticize (in an objective way {?}) without being able to write decently.

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