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What Some Mares Talk About

Bon Bon trots up to Lyra and talks about her day and recalls all the time she spent together with her. As well as other stuff and hands. Bon Bon's fascination with hands but mostly other stuff.

A one shot mainly to practice my grammar, please please please give honest feedback

Chapters (1)

Comments ( 4 )

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asylum1388

asylum1388 #1 · Dec 6th, 2012 · · ·

Honest feedback? Keep practicing.

Your grammar's not the worst I've ever seen, but it's not what I'd call good.

xDan

xDan #2 · Dec 6th, 2012 · · ·

It's okay. It's formed a little awkwardly and the ending is indeed "what-the-fuck"-inducing, but it really needs work.

Darrtaa

Darrtaa #3 · Dec 6th, 2012 · · ·

A refferee story? WOO-HOO! A little strange to be sure, but given the random tag and the fact that this is just practice (at least that's what you said in y'all's blog), I thought it was interesting. Word of advice; introduction is key. I'll admit I did a crap job of that when I started TDD, ya need to set up the scene/characters as if though the reader has never heard of them before (that'd be absurd seeing as this is Fimfic but ya never know).

They also seemed to speak very formally, I'm not sure if you meant for that to happen or not but that's the impression I got. I found that saying the sentence out loud works wonders for conversation, especially if said characters have accents.

Well, good jerb nonetheless buddy, keep it up!