“Xander!” cried the angry voice of Princess Celestia's prized student.
“Ah, Twilight Sparkle,” said the silky smooth voice of Xander, “So nice for you to join us.”
The pony standing before Twilight was the evil unicorn Xander, that stole the Black Book - a forbidden tome containing magic too powerful to be properly controlled. With it he planned to become an alicorn and conquer all of Equestria.
Twilight looked over Xander's shoulder, where her friends were locked in cages like animals. The sight enraged the lavender unicorn. Pinkie Pie, Rainbow Dash, Rarity, Applejack, and Fluttershy looked to their friend with hope.
“Let my friends go, and give me back the Black Book.” she ordered, “If you do, I'll implore Princess Celestia to be merciful.”
“I might just do that.” Xander laughed, “Or I could just do this...”
Xander charged up his horn and fired a blast of energy at Twilight. To his dismay, it fizzled harmlessly when it struck the shield the lavender unicorn put up. Twilight countered with a volley of her own. He managed to dodge all but one.
He picked himself up and glared at her. That glare was quickly replaced though, by a malicious grin.
“I figured you would be too powerful for me to confront head on.” he said, as the caged ponies cheered for their friend, “But no matter.”
He began chanting in an ancient language that few knew. As he chanted, a wind picked up, followed by lightning.
Taking the opportunity, Twilight teleported to the cage that held her fellow elements.
“I’ll get you out of here.” Twilight assured them.
His chanting was replaced by laughter as he turned to face his adversary.
“Farewell little Twilight.” he laughed maniacally .
A black orb appeared between the two unicorns pulling everything towards it. The pull picked up until he too was being dragged towards the thing.
His laughing abruptly stopped, “No, no... What's happening.”
“TWILIGHT!” Rainbow Dash cried.
The cyan pegasus reached out a hoof to support her friend, but missed by a hairs width. Twilight was pulled just out of reach, grabbing for anything she could.
Twilight and Xander both fought for a hoof-hold, but to no avail. Both lost grip and went tumbling into the void. The void vanished swallowing her and Xander...well part of him anyway.
--- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- ---
Almost every night for the past year Shining Armor watched his little sister being pulled to her death again and again, as she cried for help. The memory spell that let him see exactly what happened through Rainbow Dash's eyes, now haunted him regularly.
Oh, Twilly, why did I let you go alone? He asked himself yet again.
A lithe pink hoof caressed him in a comforting hug. His wife, Princess Cadence, was always there to support him, even though she was hurting as much as he was. After all she had helped raise Twilight from when she was just a foal. Shining looked out the window of their carriage. Immediately in front of them was the princesses' carriage and beyond that, Ponyville. They were going to meet with Twilight's friends at her memorial. It had only been one year, but it seemed like forever.
Soon enough the two carriages landed on the outskirts of town and the four occupants stepped out into a field of flowers. In the center was a statue of the brave mare, his little sister smiling as she looked ever into the distance. On the pedestal was written the words “In memory of Twilight Sparkle, Faithful friend, loving sister, devoted student and a courageous protector. She gave her life so Equestria could live”.
A tear fell from Shining's eye, “I miss ya, sis.” He said, with his wife's forehoof over his shoulder.
Everypony there was in a sombre mood. All but one, Pinkie Pie. Ever since Twilight disappeared, Pinkie had insisted that she wasn't dead, rather that she was “having a big adventure in the stars”. Everyone assumed it was just her way of coping with the loss. Today though, she seemed extra happy about something.
“You're happy today, Pinkie.” Shining observed plainly.
She smiled back, “Well of course I am. When I woke up I had an eye twitch, tail flip, knee twitch, tongue click.” He looked at her with an inquisitive expression, “Duh that means I'm going to see a long lost friend. There's only one friend I haven't seen for a long time and that's Twilight.”
For a moment he let himself hope. He knew about Pinkie Pie's Pinkie Sense, but he also knew that nopony can come back from the dead. A part of him felt sorry for the happy-go-lucky pony, but another part of him wanted to slap her until she stopped spouting nonsense.
He was an emotional wreck. He was lucky that Cadence was such a loving mare. Any other would have left him by now but not her. She was his reason for going on. If not for her he would have crawled into his bed and let himself waste away.
“Land sake, girl. What're ya goin' on about now?” Applejack asked incredulously.
“Twitchy tail, twitchy tail.” Was her reply.
Everypony instantly looked up for the incoming object. What they saw was the worst kind of falling object. A meteor...and it was heading straight for them!
All the ponies present gathered together with their hooves over their heads as Shining cast a shield spell. They waited for the inevitable impact, hoping the shield hold up against the falling death...and they waited...and waited... Finally, they opened their eyes one by one and looked up toward the fireball of doom, only to see that it had slowed down. While that was indeed confusing, it wasn't as confusing as the makeup of the space rock - it didn't appear to be rock at all, but metal, hoof-crafted metal. It looked like a metal bird! It had a smooth body with a clear angular window in the middle, and short wings that looked like a double bladed ax. There were two cylinders fixed just under the wings on the body with holes in the front.
It was still falling rather fast but was slowing quickly until it came to a near stop mere feet from the ground. A set of three legs extended from the bottom, and it lowered the last few feet to rest on said legs. The window slid backwards and a figure leaped nimbly from the flying machine, landing on all four perfectly. The hot metal created a steam shroud masking the strange creature from their view.
The creature promptly stepped forward, revealing a gray-green armored suit, of alien design, and a strange, semi-transparent orange visor over it's eyes, and an unknown object strapped to its back. It had purple fur and a short cut dark blue mane with a pink stripe, and a horn. Everypony stared wide eyed as the familiar, yet different mare smiled at them.
“I'm home.” She said, with tears forming in her eyes.
Shining Armor approached what must have been a hallucination. He couldn't believe it, his sister was alive, but she was...different. Her mane was cut very short. It barely passed her horn. He recoiled at the sight of a terrible three inch scar running horizontally beneath her left eye. Speaking of eyes, her eyes frightened him. He had only seen that look in the old griffons that fought in the war.
“Tw-Tw-Twilight?” He finally said as he reached a shaky hoof out.
She grabbed his hoof in hers, “Yeah, it's me. I'm finally home.”She said with a smile.
“Twilight!” All the ponies in the field shouted at the same time and rushed their friend in a group hug, practically suffocating her.
“We all thought you were dead,” Celestia cried. “Where have you been my dear student?”
“Oh, nowhere special.” She replied, “Just having a big adventure in the stars.”
“Told ya!” Exclaimed Pinkie Pie.
“Dude you have to tell us about it!” Said Rainbow Dash.
“I was planning on it, but before I begin can I get something to eat.” Twilight replied, “I'm fucking starving.”
The group hug was broken instantly as everypony stared at her mouths agape.
“What?” Twilight questioned, “I've hardly eaten anything but SNP's and synthetic food in a whole year. The stuff's nutritious, but it tastes like shit.”
“Twilight!” Celestia scolded, “I've never heard you use such foul language.”
Twilight recoiled with a sheepish grin, “Oops, sorry. When you hang out with marines you kinda pick up some of their...quirks.”
“Well try to keep yourself under control.” The Sun Princess said, “What is marines?”
“I'll tell ya later. Right now, let's go get some chow.” Twilight said.
“Wait a minute.” Shining stopped her, “We haven't seen you for a year, everyone thought you were dead, and now you show back up in some weird machine from space, and the first thing you want to do is eat? You don't want to catch up?”
“Of course I do,” She said, “...and my 'weird machine from space', is a SF-23T Executioner Class Light Assault Gunship, we just call it an Ax. As for why I want to eat first...” She cantered back to the machine, and opened a panel grabbing, an unseen object, before shutting it again. She trotted back and held a tube to her brother. “Taste this.”
She put a small bit of grayish brown past on his offered hoof, licked it and quickly spit it out.
“What the hay?” He choked, “What is that, and why would you ask me to eat it?”
“That's an SNP. It stands for 'synthetic nutrition paste' and I’ve had to eat this crap for a year, with few exceptions.” She informed them.
He looked down at the tube then back to his sister, “Let's get you some real food.” He said and started for town.
--- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- ---
As the group walked through town, Twilight noticed all the stares she was getting. They looked at her like she was a... ghost.
“So everyone really thought I was dead?” She asked.
“Yeah we did.” Her brother stated plainly, “We thought that you and Xander both died in that thing.”
“Oh,” Twilight said bashfully, looking at the ground, “I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make all of you so upset.”
“It wasn't your fault.” Celestia said, “I think we just need some time to come to grip with what's happened here.”
They walked into Sugarcube Corner. The bell on the door sounded the arrival of customers. Mrs. Cake walked in carrying a tray of cupcakes.
“Oh, hello dearies.” Said Mrs. Cake, “What can I get fo...Oh my...” She gasped at the armor clad pony in the middle of the group, dropping the tray with a crash, “Tw-Twilight is that you? You're alive!?”
“Honey, are you OK.” Mr. Cake came at the sound of falling confections, “What's...oh my goddess.”
“Hi Mr. and Mrs. Cake.” Twilight said, “It's been a while.”
Mr. Cake went around the counter to get a better look at the long lost pony, “Twilight, is that really you? You seem so...different.”
“Do we have anymore of that amazingly fantastically scrumptious cake left?” Pinkie asked.
“Yeah, it's in the cooler.” Said Mr. Cake absentmindedly, still looking at Twilight in disbelief.
In a flash, the hyper, party mare was gone, only to return with a large chocolate cake. She set it down on a table in the corner and set about serving a slice for each of them, the biggest piece for Twilight. The ten ponies settled into their seats and dug in.
“Oh. My. God.” Twilight said with a tear in her eye, “This is the best damn thing I’ve ever eaten.”
“Twilight,” Rarity scolded, “...language!”
Soon enough the cake was gone and everypony looked expectantly at Twilight.
“OK, fine.” Twilight said, “I'll tell you what happened, but I’m warning you now, you won't like a lot of it! After I fell into Xander's wormhole I found myself on one of the craziest, strangest, and most terrifying adventures you could ever imagine...”
I'M GOING TO READ THE SHT OUT OF THIS!
Moar required...for SCIENCE
I JUST READ THE SHT OUT OF THIS! And I like where this is going
GREAT! oops caps.. lol Now i have more stuff in my favorites!
Seal of approval.
I am pretty sure that this exact concept is already being made.
Seriously the exact same.
Twilight dissappearing, everyon-....
Oh.
Well if you approve it.
1713652 Yeah, Gyvon has a very similar story. His is based on the Halo universe, though, while mine is an original universe. The beginnings are similar, but they diverge greatly after a few chapters.
1713462>>1713470>>1713479>>1713489 Thanks for the support
My reaction to seeing this up
denver.mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/img/mlfw2793-132892062019.png
Reminds me of On the Wings of Angels. Favving and tracking!
Dammit now i feel even worse for putting OHoaT on hiatus, now that you've posted this
Quite good, but I noticed a few grammar mistakes (which isn't good, considering that I am dyspraxic so I should be unable to notice them in the first place).
Firstly, theres a couple of sentances in there which should end in question marks, not full stops.
The second thing is quite big.
When you write dialogue, you tend to end the sentance with a full stop. This is wrong, you are supposed to end it in a comma.
for example:
You can learn more here.
Heck, just read the whole document. Helped me out loads.
Otherwise, great story, can't wait to see more.
1713869 Thanks for the advice. I'll check that out.
1713698 That's my reaction to how well it's doing already
1713825 You should feel bad. Shame on you, you made Fluttershy cry
1713897
Glad to help.
1713897 I feel bad enough as it is, no need to put me down more man
1713952 I'm sorry have a happyshy
1714034 It's all good. Kinda annoying though, I really want to write for the fic, but I can never get motivated enough. It sucks.
1713652 As one of Shirotora's proof-readers, and a fan of Gyvon's story too, I can say that this very swiftly diverges into something unique...
1713652
I actually pre-read the first few chapters.
is there a story i have to read before i read this one to get some things? or is that evil unicorn part of the story and will be explained later in this story?
I really love this story, and I can't wait for the next few chapters to go up. I'll enjoy reading them...again...
I like the story so far; I'm a total sucker for this sort of thing.
But... the punctuation errors made my brain cry.
So is this a side story to Chaotic Harmony?
MOAR!
1714258 More on him later.
1714656 No. This is a different story
1714890
just figured it out. your reply came just after i finished the chapter, and i must say, im really looking forward to the next chapter, and the one after that, and the one after that, and the one after that and the on- *two days later* -that, and the one after that. it looks liem this story is going to be fucking amazing
rarity and celestia: molten, language!
me: sorry you two.
Pretty good so far, reminds me of On the Wings of Angels.
I actually enjoyed this quite a bit. However, there is one thing nagging at me, and it just might be me, but your pacing is ever so slightly off. I just felt that you could have gone into a bit more detail in certain areas. Kinda like when Twilight arrives, that moment felt a bit rushed. It's not bad per say, but it would really benefit the story if you took a bit more time on slow paced scenes like that.
Great start, but it feels rushed. Nevertheless, I'm tracking this story!
does it look like a cross between the Normandy SR-2 and a real battleaxe?
1716270>>1716390 Yeah, I thought so to, but every other way I tried it felt too drawn out.
1716556 I'm having cover art done that features thr ship.
This is my favorite way of introducing ponies to humans. Twilight gets ripped from Equestria and ends up with some cantankerous soldiers.
1714890, what I meant was, has this Twi met Shiro.
1718668 No, this is a totally different universe, and completely unrelated to Chaotic Harmony.
Okay,1718706, just needed to be sure. Will you make a sequel to Chaotic Harmony?
1718721 Yes. I have this and one more story planned before that, but I will make it.
1718726, blog post for the followers? So they know it will happen.
If that's okay with you.
1718740 I mentioned it in one of the chapters, but I'll also post a preview when I get the prelude finished.
Sounds alot like On the Wings of Angels. Oh well. Beggars can't be choosers. Giving it a read.
it isn't is, it's are.
Otherwise good so far.
1719702
I think the point is that Celestia doesn't know the proper usage of the term.
As for the story: Love it! This is pretty much all of my favourite things that can be in a story.
HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!!
Gonna read the SHIT outta this!!!
threadbombing.com/data/media/2/THISGONBGUD.gif
I see MANY chapters ahead.
Ok so starting out, this does bear similarity to OtWoA. That's not necessarily a bad thing, so long you make your story different enough.
Lol Twilight with a marine-mouth. This is gonna be awesome
*facepalm* I thought the worst thing to complain about is Pinkie Pie's all-knowingness, but then... While I understanding her cursing after hanging out with humans and getting crude habits. Twilight is acting more like a 12 year old discovering these bad words that make him look cool (by saying them over, and over, and over).
This was also done in a Halo/MLP crossover, where Twilight was sent to another world, pick up by soldiers, and came back swearing. This though drives the point like a railroad spike. There is no need for everything to come out her mouth to be either crude, or an expletive (or both). This seems more like a personality rewrite, than a life changing adventure.
After all, I'm sure the first thing marines do we they get home is unload a whole bunch of f-bombs on their family and say how getting food is more important than greeting them. I am being sarcastic here.
Most, if not all of my problems so far is the exaggeration of the characters, from Pinkie Pie's knowing stuff she shouldn't know turning her omniscient, or to twilight's pick up bad habits turning her into a caricature of crude battle-hardened person. Oh hey, an emote for the facepalm earlier.
You have a good story line but I have a couple of compaints. For one, it isn't original. Sure it has a few different aspects but it is exactly the same as that halo one that came out a while back. Secondly, it lacks something. On the outside you have an amazing looking cake that makes you want to gobble down on it. However, you cut down on it and there is no cake. That is what happens when you have the main storyline but never anything in between. You had massive amuont of potential with that memorial scene and then just blew it away by going straight into Twilight showing up. It just could have been so much better. Also, you need to make sure you introduce everyone that is in a scene. I didn't even notice Celestia was there until she spoke.
I have been recommended this story because I am me and I stuffy stuff.
“Xander!” cried the angry voice of Princess Celestia's prized student.
...Right off the bat, this is getting weird. I looked in the next chapter and the guy gets offed, but who the hell is this guy? An evil unicorn that stole the magic McGuffin and wants to take over the world, i get, but this dude is introduced and thrown away equally quickly. This is even more disjointing due to the fact this guy sets up the entire plot.
I get the impression you got the idea for Twilight to leave Equestria for some time, becoming a baddass in the process, and returning home first. It feels like you couldn't quiet figure out how to get Twilight away in the first place though. It feels purposeless; there's a lot happening just before this chapter, and we never get to see it. Unless Xander isn't as gone as he appears and plays a part later on, I feel this part could use a rewrite.
Oh shit, the supervisor's coming. I'll finish later.
Okay, back at home. Good thing too; it was raining too hard for my comfort. And this Mojave Rattler energy drink taste awful.
Xander charged up his horn and fired a blast of energy at Twilight. To his dismay, it fizzled harmlessly when it struck the shield the lavender unicorn put up. Twilight countered with a volley of her own. He managed to dodge all but one.
Here's one of those instances of show vs. telling. Gyvon does the same thing whenever a fight comes about in his fic, which I will complain about when I get to reading his in full. Fights are notoriously difficult to do, or at least do well. Especially if it is large scale combat and there are multiple variables, landscapes, and bogeys. This is boring, plain and simple. There's no sense of emotional investment or suspense during this little exchange. The grit and the stakes are gone and the winner, if any, seems more predestined than they actually won their victory through strength and wiles.
There has to be a sense of danger, or at least consequence, if one side loses. This feels like your just going down a list and summarizing facts of someone else's fight and not one going on right now.
He picked himself up and glared at her. That glare was quickly replaced though, by a malicious grin.
“I figured you would be too powerful for me to confront head on.” he said, as the caged ponies cheered for their friend, “But no matter.”
This is just me, but I really don't like this kind of villain. I read your post and saw that Xander has an ulterior part of the story, but this stereotypical For The Evulz villain is boring. Cartoonishly evil hams aren't interesting, especially this guy, because we, the readers, know nothing about him, are a drag to read. Kids are fine with them because it gives their minds a clear, decisive villain to root against, but your fic is targeted towards those in the teen and adult demographic. Fundamentally, there's nothing wrong with Xander, but teens and adult have become so jaded by popular culture and tropes that we know exactly now this is going to turn out. He will be either decisively beaten, or come back greater and more powerful than we could possibly imagine. And beaten again.
Xander is boring as a villain. Give villains a little flair or quirk. Perhaps he likes spares children? Prefers to beat the crap out of his enemies with his bare hooves? Challenges heroes to a fair fight as a last request? I'm not saying what should or shouldn't be done, but don't make villains so dull.
A black orb appeared between the two unicorns pulling everything towards it. The pull picked up until he too was being dragged towards the thing.
Another piece of show vs. tell. This pops in so fast that I missed it. As this is a pivotal point in the fic, and the reason Twilight is thrown across time and space, it's sometimes necessary to slow the pacing and take a moment to describe things.
I like to call it 'hand-holding.' Sometimes I slow things down and have a person talk to describe some scenery, easing people into something they should notice or is a critical piece of the story. It's alright to take a little time, but on that same notion, don't waste your reader's time. Slow things down just enough for them to understand what's going on, but if you go too slow, you just frustrate readers. A careful balance needs to be maintained.
The void vanished swallowing her and Xander...well part of him anyway.
Well, what part? I get the feeling you're trying to leave an ominous air to this event, but the words used don't quite give that impression. It's just a piece of his body. That's not threatening in the least. I know read ahead and saw that it was his head, so why don't you just say so?
I'm torn between whether this was necessary or not. If the point was just shock value at Twilight finding Xander's head, don't alert the readers. The suddenness of Twilight's realization would carry over to the reader. “Holy shit, a head!” If Xander being dismembered has another purpose, I don't quite understand what it is. I don't know what to feel about this statement.
The memory spell that let him see exactly what happened through Rainbow Dash's eyes, now haunted him regularly.
This is nitpicking, but why not just tell him? This kind of feels tacked on. Or I'm just being picky. This is the harbinger of Shining's nightmares about losing his sister, sure, but we don't feel the impact of those nightmares. Perhaps he has perpetual bags under his eyes, or seems weary all the time, or something like that. It's kind of tell-y.
It had only been one year, but it seemed like forever.
Another nitpick. Two paragraphs above this, you say it had been a year. Saying again kind of feels unnecessary, as the 'it seemed like forever' portion could have been tacked onto the first instance. We, the readers, aren't given the true scope of how long it has been and the sorrowful feelings Twilight's absence left behind.
Soon enough the two carriages
Landed? I think you mean halted, unless it was an aerial carriage pulled by pegasi.
On the pedestal was written the words “In memory of Twilight Sparkle, Faithful friend, loving sister, devoted student and a courageous protector. She gave her life so Equestria could live”.
You're missing a colon there. And Faithful doesn't need to be capitalized. Also – this is a stylistic choice – I'd place the inscription on separate lines and center the text to give it more of a tombstone-esque feel.
A tear fell from Shining's eye, “I miss ya, sis.”
This is debatable, but I don't think Shining would use slang. I don't believe he ever used it in the show and even the lose of Twilight doesn't strike me as reason for him to start.
Pinkie had insisted that she wasn't dead, rather that she was “having a big adventure in the stars”.
I felt my brain twitch a little at this. Why does Pinkie think this? Her Pinkie Sense doesn't let her foretell the future, so I have no idea. I can already hear you through the Internet clicking on the reply button. “But it's Pinkie,” whoever clicked was about to type. Yea, I can read your mind. Yes, I do loom over your bed while you're sleeping. I digress; Pinkie is random, but there is a method to her madness and a logic – twisted logic, but still logic – to her thinking. Why does she think this? Is Pinkie secretly Gandalf? Her twitches about seeing a long-lost friend, I can buy, but not actually knowing she was among the stars.
What they saw was the worst kind of falling object. A meteor...and it was heading straight for them!
Space core, space core, space core, space core...
...but metal, hoof-crafted metal
This is not entirely correct. Hoof-crafted means created or molded by hoofs, of course. Metal, however, is smelted or casted. Casting occurs when you have a large vat of molten metal, usually steel, pour it into a mold, and allow it to cool. This helps speed up the time when making large orders, as the use of molds can be used in mass production, but molds don't allow you to control the metal as well and the end result tends to be weaker than smelting.
Forging and smelting uses heat and pressure to stretch and fold the metal by hand. You've probably seen dudes in those thick leather gloves pull out bars of metal from a furnace or smelt and bash it with a hammer or something. There's more to it than that, but I don't think you really need to know the finer details.
The hot metal created a steam shroud masking the strange creature from their view.
If there's steam, it means something went really wrong on reentry and Twilight's probably on fire right now. Yes, air friction does heat up and usually destroy incoming objects, but there are serious problems if a craft that small is producing that much heat.
He had only seen that look in the old griffons that fought in the war.
Back during the battle of Hoth...
She grabbed his hoof in hers, “Yeah, it's me. I'm finally home.”She said with a smile.
Needs a space.
“Twilight!” All the ponies in the field shouted at the same time and rushed their friend in a group hug, practically suffocating her.
Who's all here? I'm not sure.
“I was planning on it, but before I begin can I get something to eat.” Twilight replied, “I'm fucking starving.”
I swear like a sailor on leave and balls deep in a brothel. But me, like several of my family members in the armed forces, know when to curb that impulse. If you ever see a service member swear in the presence of his CO - outside of personal leave and war zones - his CO's boot would be so far up his ass he'd be tasting leather for a week. In Twilight's eyes, Celestia should be her immediate CO, or at least deserves enough respect to not warrant such language in her presence. We see several times in the show that Twilight holds the respect of her teacher in the absolute highest regard. She goes out of her way to please her teacher several times. Lesson Zero, anyone?
Twilight knows better. I understand that war is hell and hardens people – as I said, I have family that have done several tours of duty – but there's a part of your brain that slaps you upside the head when cruder habits leak through when in the presence of your 'betters.' This feels more like needless swearing to force Twilight's changed personality than actually showing it.
Take when Twilight appears in On the Wings of Angels. Her curse was accidental, just a stray slip of the tongue. Accidents happen, so that curse is acceptable. Here, Twilight just doesn't care that she's cursing up a storm. It's like a child discovering sear words for the first time. It's really unnecessary
...SNP's and synthetic food...
SNP? Is that like an MRE? What is this?
“What is marines?”
Marines is plural. “What are marines?”
“Wait a minute.” Shining stopped her, “We haven't...
Since the first part of the sentence is what catches her attention and halts Twilight, the comma should be reversed. “Wait a minute,” Shining stopped her. “We haven't...
SF-23T Executioner Class Light Assault Gunship
Since you're creating your own world, I'll let this pass, especially because I don't know the conditions for this craft coming into her possession, but I'd imagine it'd either a transport, recon, or patrol craft. A gunship, even a light gunship, seems excessive for a single pilot.
This also brings up the issue of time. Training takes up a lot of time, about a straight month of lessons in order to become proficient. Twilight pretty bright, but it raises eyebrows
“What the hay?” He choked, “What is that, and why would you ask me to eat it?”
Dude, I've survived on MREs Shining Armor. No bitching.”
They walked into Sugarcube Corner. The bell on the door sounded the arrival of customers. Mrs. Cake walked in carrying a tray of cupcakes.
Very tell-y. I can almost see the list. What about the smells of grass and freshly disturbed dirt on the way there? The display window demonstrating their confectioneries and wares? The sweet smell of frosting and dough? The chatter of ponies enjoying their meal? There's lots to do here.
“Honey, are you OK.”
Technically, it would be spelled 'okay.'
“What's...oh my goddess.”
Goddess should be capitalized, as it is proper noun.
“I'll tell you what happened, but I’m warning you now, you won't like a lot of it!
Why is she sound excited by that fact?”
Xander's wormhole
Portal seems more like the word she would use. I guess she could have adapted her speech with the more technically advanced soldiers, so whatever floats your boat.
That is a very, very long post. I think I just set a personal record and maybe a site record.
I hope I don't sound too harsh. I'm actually looking forward to this story a great deal; I love On the Wing's of Angels and this came recommended from Gyvon. I always imagined how the ponies, especially peaceful Twilight, would deal with war. I am looking forward to what's to come.
I can see no immediate flaws with this story other than it has a sequel vibe to it, if it's a sequel you should put a link to the original story in the description.
Interesting beginning... I am at least intrigued enough to continue reading. At least it isn't another damn Halo crossover. No offense, I'm sure some of them are good, but damn, do I get tired of looking at them.
One minor quibble. This sentence is horribly redundant. In the center was a statue of the brave mare, his little sister smiling as she looked ever into the distance, a smile on her face. You basically said that the statue was smiling twice.