Fluttershy Gets In Trouble

The Badfic Bin1,021 stories ·367 members

Fluttershy Gets In Trouble

Fluttershy is placed in an uncomfortable postition and is put into deep trouble

Chapters (1)

Comments ( 10 )

Viewing 1 - 50 of 10
- Newest First
- Oldest First

FluttershysDomain

FluttershysDomain #1 · Nov 27th, 2012 · · ·

I am new at this, so please don't get mad if it's not good. :/

Jake8765

Jake8765 #2 · Nov 27th, 2012 · · ·

USE THE STARE, FLUTTERSHY!

WoppoWoop

WoppoWoop #3 · Nov 27th, 2012 · · ·

1690210

1. Fix the wall of text, or else TWE will be shoved up your ass. Hard.

2. It's Fluttershy

xDan

xDan #4 · Nov 27th, 2012 · · ·

1691494
Wrong.
It's

F L U T T E R S H Y

WoppoWoop

WoppoWoop #5 · Nov 27th, 2012 · · ·

1691511

xDan

xDan #6 · Nov 27th, 2012 · · ·

1691519

bobthealien

bobthealien #7 · Nov 27th, 2012 · · ·

"I am your new leader, you shall all obey every comand I give, you shall all take care of me and every need I consume, and you shall all stay here unless constructed otherwise.."

should be "instructed" Other than that, great job

Lucky Seven

Lucky Seven #8 · Nov 27th, 2012 · · ·

Okay, first off her name is Fluttershy, as in no spaces anywhere. Second this is just an enormous wall of text and I can't even read it without getting a headache.

That's my main issue with this. Not her name being spelled incorrectly, but the fact that the formatting is so terrible it actually gave me a headache. I don't know how, but you've officially made reading hurt.

I'm going to edit a portion of the first paragraph, and you'll see why it's so hard to read.

Flutter Shy sat alone at her favorite tree, she sighed as she watched her bunny, Angel, hop around with her pleny other bunny friends. Today was a beautiful day for a picnic and she hoped nothing could ruin it, so far everything was swell. She chewed on one of the carrots that was meant for her animal friends, until something catched her from the corner of her eye.

That's the original text. This is what it should look like instead.

Fluttershy sat alone at her favorite tree, letting out a sigh as she watched her bunny, Angel, hop around with her other bunny friends. Today was a beautiful day for a picnic and she hoped nothing could ruin it, and so far everything was swell. She chewed on one of the carrots that was meant for her animal friends, until something caught her eye.

Okay notice how I changed her name to be spelled correctly. I also fixed a lot of things that just don't roll off the tongue, like "until something catched her from the corner of her eye." Catched isn't a word, so it should be caught, and the whole sentence just sounds odd.

You really need to give this story a pat-down and see if you can't fix all these errors.

-Andrew

Gherkin