Rainboom in the snow

"NO! It can´t be! Why!? What happened!?" I screamed in the empty garage. No one was around. Everybody already packed and were at the pit wall. With tears in the eyes I looked in my mirror. In front of the sad smoke coming from my overheated tires, there was color. A bright blue color.

This is my first fiction, please correct my mistakes

Chapters (6)

I´m gonna make it · 11th Dec 2012 · 705 words
705
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A new life · 11th Dec 2012 · 2,455 words
2,455
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A race for a race · 16th Dec 2012 · 993 words
993
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Face the fear · 17th Dec 2012 · 1,168 words
1,168
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Rainbows in the snow · 18th Dec 2012 · 1,307 words
1,307
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Aftermath · 18th Dec 2012 · 140 words
140
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Comments ( 22 )

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TCLF

TCLF #1 · Dec 18th, 2012 · · · I´m gonna make it ·

This is the worst chapter. Please, correct me for mistakes and bad writing all the chapters. I would learn a lot because of it.

TrevorLaneRay

TrevorLaneRay #2 · Dec 18th, 2012 · · · Aftermath ·

Well, not too bad in concept, though it could use a bit less of rushed dialogue.
Maybe some better word choice & smoother scenario flow?

HyperRandomness

HyperRandomness #3 · Dec 18th, 2012 · 1 · · I´m gonna make it ·

Alright, since you literally asked for it, I'm here to review.

i.chzbgr.com/completestore/12/7/10/zq3PpHNWkUmZnP8ZnoNmCw2.gif

HyperRandomness' active review mode, GO!

You're gonna make it? Well, I'm gonna wreck it! img.stpcdn.net/game-icons-100/wreck-it-ralph.jpg

COLOR CODE:
Red - Spelling Error
Blue - Grammatical Error
Green - Suggested Revision
Purple - Suggested Replacement
Orange - Reviewer Note

“I´m gonna make it!” Rainbow Dash was ready. She was going to break the sound barrier twice. Wait, is this possible? In order to break the sound barrier, you have to be going slower than the speed of sound, so I don't think breaking it twice in a row without slowing down could be possible. Of course, I might be interpreting this wrong. She started from up high from Canterlot. Everypony gathered there to see it. First,(insert comma) she would do the sonic rainboom horizontal. After that,(input comma) she would go straight down to the ground to do the second one,(insert comma) and after that she would fly low over the calm water. It (incomplete word) would be a blast for her and (suggested italics for emphasis) the crowd. There wasn't very much time left for these perfect conditions, (suggested sentence fusion) so she started. The first sonic rainboom was easy; (suggested sentence fusion) She did it over a hundred times before. But the second one... (suggested sentence fusion) that was new. Going straight for the Ground at full speed. Rainbows were already behind her. She could feel it. The second rainboom. A bright white light appeared, (suggested sentence fusion) and a huge explosion followed.

Well, you did pretty well on grammar and the sorts, but I can certainly see a lot of places where fusing sentences would make the paragraph flow smoothly. You did a decent job so far, but talking in short-burst sentences is for time-travelers and people who have no time to write properly. Slow down and take the time to be sure the wording flows smoothly from one sentence to the next.

“I’m gonna make it!” I screamed in my car. Two more laps to go. I was at two hundred MPH. Nothing could stop me from this win.

Interesting. You suddenly have a tense change. Was that intentional?

Oh. I see. It's a perspective shift.

I think it's fairly interesting that you have a sudden change to a human (and that it's not HiE. Thank goodness!), but the sudden change seems a little... off to me. Yes, I get how the first chapter plays into the next, but it really ruins immersion to have a perspective change without any sort of warning or indicator. At first, I assumed Rainbow Dash was driving the car. I was fairly confused.

“I’m gonna make it!” I screamed in my car. Two more laps to go. I was at two hundred MPH; (suggested fragment fusion) Nothing could stop me from this win. Close to the wall, (insert comma) and then low, (insert comma) and again close to the wall. A perfect line. A perfect line for what, exactly? Is your car in a perfect line? Are all the other cars in a perfect line? Not everyone knows exactly how racing works, so a better explanation of exactly what's occurring would be good to add. Now there was just (suggested word input) one more lap to go. Other guys (remove comma) started to come closer. Closer to the wall, closer to the inside, (input comma) and then again closer to the wall. Last turn the same, (suggested sentence fusion) 'Last tun the same.' What does this even mean? Are you trying to tell me that you made another turn which is identical to the previous? I don't know everything about racing. Please try to describe the situation to people who don't know about racing. but a driver put his car to my inside. I was faster out of the corner and saw the finish line right in front of me. Nothing could stop me. As the finish line came closer, my cockpit started to brighten up. A flash of light was followed with a deep thud. I think I saw what you did there. Suddenly, (suggested replacement) 'soon' makes no sense, as the steering wheel would tense up very quickly. my steering wheel was pulling my hands. Something must have broken. My rear end started to slide. I did all I could to keep my car straight, (suggested sentence fusion and revision) but it didn't pay off. My car turned around, (insert comma) making me face over thirty cars coming straight at me at two hundred MPH. Lucky for me, the track was banked. My car slid down off the track, still making a nasty hit with the inside wall. My back hurt badly, (suggested sentence fusion) but I had to cross the line. My car didn't drive in a straight line anymore. With my back pain going away because of the adrenaline I got, I drove my car into the pits, causing me to cross the finish line, but making me able to directly drive (incorrect spelling) into the garage.

This is an interesting setup you have. Rainbow's about to do a double-rainboom (somehow) and this guy is in a race. There's a bright light in both instances, then the guy suddenly has car troubles. I think I see where you're going with this.

Yep. I was right.

Rainbow Dash on Earth. Pretty interesting, albeit done before, and I find it very 'convenient' how Rainbow Dash shows up to slam into this guy's car... during a race. How very fitting.

Moving on!

“NO! It can’t! What can't? Why!? What happened!?” I screamed in the empty garage. No one was around. Everybody already packed and were at the pit wall. With tears in (term change) my eyes I looked in my mirror. In front of the sad smoke I didn't know smoke could have emotions. coming from my overheated tires (incorrect spelling), there was color (incorrect spelling). A bright blue color. Rainbow Dash is Cyan. It looked lifeless. As I cleared my eyes I looked around. I looked behind me. That’s when I saw something. As a Brony, I identified it as Rainbow Dash. That couldn’t be. I cleared my eyes again and looked again. Again, (insert comma) I saw Rainbow Dash laying down, (insert comma) breathing slowly. My mouth fell open. What should I do? (this is a question, not a statement. Also, this appears to be a thought. Thoughts need to have some sort of indicator to show they are thoughts, such as being in italics. My car was standing behind the garage. Over the radio, (insert comma) my team boss called, (insert comma) “We’re coming. Are you ok?” I had to act quickly. What would they do with Rainbow if they found out she was here? (this is a question, not a statement.) I didn’t hesitate a moment and quickly untied my seatbelts. I turned around and found a way passed my bucket seat. I picked up Rainbow and took her to my car(suggested sentence fusion) as fast as possible. I put her down in the passenger seat and put a seat belt around her. I started my car and drove off (incorrect spelling). To my house.

Alright, that's cool and all, and I can understand why Rainbow Dash is unconscious, but wouldn't anyone else have seen Dash on the track? I'm fairly certain they would have, considering it's hard to overlook a chromatic-maned pony, of all things.

At my house, (insert comma) I didn't know how fast I had to react. I'm getting the distinct vibe that something bad is about to go down, what with the wording of that sentence. With Rainbow in my arms, (insert comma) I ran to my house. It was a little bit busy outside. I hoped that nobody saw it. In my house, (insert comma) it was warm. I put her down on the soft couch with a blanket over her so she would feel the warmth. She was cold. She felt weak. Would she be ok?

images1.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20120921164820/dragonage/images/2/2a/Anchorman-well-that-escalated-quickly.jpg
No transitions? Yeah, that's not gonna fly with a lot of readers. A lot of people will want transitions inbetween traveling and destinations, or at least some filler to indicate time has passed in order to keep the flow of the section smooth.

It looks like Dash may have sustained some serious injury. I hope that turns out well.

Okay, so, to be honest, I like the premise of the story. I really do. The way you have sentence breaks and fragments everywhere... I don't like that. You should consider reading this aloud and see if it flows/makes sense before posting it, and I would suggest getting an editor to help you with all the slight grammatical trouble.

Other than that, this was pretty good! Keep trying!

/HyperRandomness, Official Former TWE Reviewer and general understander of nothing.

TCLF

TCLF #4 · Dec 18th, 2012 · · · Aftermath ·

1820361 Thnx for your feedback. I also think i need to rush it less. Maybe better time feeling. Since it was my first Fimfic, I didn't want to make it too long.

With better word choice. what do you mean by that? do you mean fancier words, or did I use the wrong word somewhere?

Already I'm thankfull for your help

Arkenai

Arkenai #5 · Dec 18th, 2012 · · · I´m gonna make it ·

1820379
I concur with this review.
This man was clearly in the good part of the TWE.
Except the part where "A bright blue color. Rainbow Dash is Cyan.". This is pedantic.

He really did cover what I have to say though.
Good try, +1. I might go through the rest of this shortly.

HyperRandomness

HyperRandomness #6 · Dec 18th, 2012 · · · Aftermath ·

1820394
Not one of my better reviews, albeit a good one.
I can do better reviews with more time, but I'm on the clock and have pretty much NO time to spare, so I have to just stick with the short review.

I hope it was helpful!

TCLF

TCLF #7 · Dec 18th, 2012 · · · Aftermath ·

1820379 thnx, will look it in and improve tonight.

Rainbow87dash

Rainbow87dash #8 · Dec 18th, 2012 · · · I´m gonna make it ·

Meh it's been done before
My Little Dashie
touching Rainbows

The only difference Between those fics and this one is that their written better

TCLF

TCLF #9 · Dec 18th, 2012 · · · Aftermath ·

1820422 So they have the racing aspect in it as well? I read MLD and the it's something else. I do not want to compare them by story line, since they are different. It's true though that they are written far better. But there always has to be a first time writing a story.

thnx for your feedback

TrevorLaneRay

TrevorLaneRay #10 · Dec 18th, 2012 · · · Aftermath ·

1820386
Yeah, since the length is pretty short, it limits what characterization and other plot development that might occur.
Since there's really not much area to expand on that structure, I guess the best remedy would be to use words that cut concisely to their definition.
You know, the kind of word choice your English teacher taught about; maybe a thesaurus would help a bit.
Using specific words that quintessentially define what you're trying to say can help construct the story pretty well, even without writing pages of existential monolog-ism .
Use 'dem fancy words. :P
Not too much, though.
If you use one word, don't use it again within the chapter, if you can help it; try using synonyms instead, making sure that they're appropriate to the context.
Though, it's just my personal preference when I'm reading; I like to see a diverse vocabulary in use. Helps get the story across.