Rainboom in the snow

by TCLF

Aftermath

Aftermath

It was dark. I was sitting in my brand new Nascar. Some years have passed and I was back in the legal world. Also Jack came into Nascar because of me. He was the most thankfull men I ever helped. This race it was between us. I was first in the championship and he was second. We started. We both didn’t care about the outcome. We both have a family, a racing life. We were happy that Rainbow got back where she belongs. All the memories were still with us. There was a caution. I took this chance to talk to Jack over radio. “Thanks for all the memories with Rainbow.” I said. “Thanks for giving me this life feel worth living.” He said back. The green flag went down as we raced to the finish...

The end

Comments

[TrevorLaneRay]

Well, not too bad in concept, though it could use a bit less of rushed dialogue.
Maybe some better word choice & smoother scenario flow?

[TCLF]

1820361 Thnx for your feedback. I also think i need to rush it less. Maybe better time feeling. Since it was my first Fimfic, I didn't want to make it too long.

With better word choice. what do you mean by that? do you mean fancier words, or did I use the wrong word somewhere?

Already I'm thankfull for your help

[HyperRandomness]

1820394
Not one of my better reviews, albeit a good one.
I can do better reviews with more time, but I'm on the clock and have pretty much NO time to spare, so I have to just stick with the short review.

I hope it was helpful!

[TCLF]

1820379 thnx, will look it in and improve tonight.

[TCLF]

1820422 So they have the racing aspect in it as well? I read MLD and the it's something else. I do not want to compare them by story line, since they are different. It's true though that they are written far better. But there always has to be a first time writing a story.

thnx for your feedback

[TrevorLaneRay]

1820386
Yeah, since the length is pretty short, it limits what characterization and other plot development that might occur.
Since there's really not much area to expand on that structure, I guess the best remedy would be to use words that cut concisely to their definition.
You know, the kind of word choice your English teacher taught about; maybe a thesaurus would help a bit.
Using specific words that quintessentially define what you're trying to say can help construct the story pretty well, even without writing pages of existential monolog-ism .
Use 'dem fancy words. :P
Not too much, though.
If you use one word, don't use it again within the chapter, if you can help it; try using synonyms instead, making sure that they're appropriate to the context.
Though, it's just my personal preference when I'm reading; I like to see a diverse vocabulary in use. Helps get the story across.

[TCLF]

1821070 very thnx. I will use it for other fiction. very thnx

[hiddenisbeastmo]

very nice

[ManWithThePan]

So, when Dash did a second Rainboom, she warped back to Equestria? I'm confused.

[TCLF]

1822653 you got that right. sorry if it was unclear, I will try to avoid this confusion in fellow fics

[TCLF]

1833959 no problem ;) I at least know that there are grammatical mistakes in it. I am busy with fixing the second chapter now