Major Alsea is the pilot of a C-130 and is headed to china for a very important peace drop off but six hours in to the flight a mysterious white light appears, and the next thing the major knows he’s flying over a forest with two engines online and is rapidly losing altitude… can he and the small spec opps squad survive this new world…
(Rated teen for gore and harsh language and possible racist remarks)
This is my first story ever so i would really appreciate some comments on my writing skill and what needs to be improved
And so i say let the adventuers begin!
Chapters (8)
The description is already giving me a good feeling. Yay.
First chapter isn't bad, good structure, no walls of text. :)
Also inb4 Regidar
1684570 But not inb4 me!
And... the grammar is terrible. BOOOO!
Ok let me say that this story has potential. There are grammar and punctuation issues, but there is one issue I really would like to address, correct me if I am wrong but the C-130 being flown is from the Air Force correct? If so then you need to go back and edit the ranks the USAF does not have Corporals, instead he would be a Senior Airman, and the Sergeant would be a Staff Sergeant.
USAF Enlisted Ranks
As I said this story has potential but you have a lot of work to do to make that potential be a great story.
Your story is very interesting and has potential, but it still needs work. Although not as bad as most stories, you still rushed through the beginning of the story a little. Try fleshing it out a little more (look at some of the stories in the featured box to see what I mean). Can't wait to see how this develops...
1684570 Yeah you should have seen it before
>> Dashing Rainbow I'm sorry
I'm not good with grammer but I'll try
>> Celestia's Paladin Your right there is no corporal in the airforce and the only one who is actully in the airforce is major Alsea the rest are Spec ops and therefor are corporals
I'm actully surprised that someone would point that out, so koodos to you
>> RaptorCat Thanks i'll be sure to keep that in mind
Hey its me the author of this
Basically I’ll like to say thank you to all of you who have read my fan fiction and like or favorite it, and now I’ll like to say a few other things.
One is the prolog showing up for anyone?
And two feel free to dislike this but if you do please leave a reason why
Thanks everybody or pony... if your some how a pony and managed to get your hooves on a computer.... anywho stick around because there’s much more to come
uhhhhh is it meant to be tolled in the first paragraph?
and about middle page again,
and then the "truly speaking, so lesion up"
lesion up? shouldn't it be listen?
same grouping know should be now.
Nice, however I feel that an APC might be able to mess up a hydra if it wanted.
first paragraph ass should be as,
few more down bring should be bringing,
another few down of should be off, spook should be spoke, stirring should be steering,our should be out,
next grouping, hopping is hoping,
farther down is single should be signal,
farther down ware should be where,
little bit below this^ GO should be GOD,
alright ill finish up later gonna check some other stuff and then gotta go, It's actually pretty good! I like it so far, but it could use a pre-reader and a few grammar checks.But overall it's good.
Uh-oh, Luna's come to get them! :O
1698181 Bread
I completly agree with you, but i had to make things more interasting... and i had to find a good way to kill off some people, so i ended with an APC getting dystroed from a hydra and four dead people
Yet again another chapter, and a day after my birthday I really wanted to get it out yesterday but couldn’t… I’m sorry beings of universe
But I’ve noticed something so far each chapter has been going up like this 1000 words, 2000 words and now 3000 words… a coincident maybe
Oh yes I forgot to mention eating goldfish and pop corn at once has an awesome taste… I don’t know why but it just feels wrong
Happy birthday dear author. Have a great one, even though it is a little late.
>>Bread Thanks
Sorry for delay I had to restart because i didn't like how it was going
Yay! An update! I like how the story is coming along, but, as pointed out before, there are several grammar issues and misspellings.
'Privet' is phonetically written Russian for 'Hello'. Here it should say 'private'.
I advice you to try to get an editor, or, if you tell me what software you use to write this, I can probably give you advice on what to do.
>>Macyon
Don't comment i like the old verison much more then the 2010 verison its confussing
Also do you know anygood ediotrs that could help me out?
Excellent job, aside from a few grammar and spelling errors very good.
Lol you called it, several misspellings, but i know what you mean. Great chapter, would like to see how this story progresses.
>> Bread
Yeah grammer is not my thing
>> Rain_Bow_Dashie
Thanks and i hope that i can finish this thing the way i want to
They need a Luna face i'm always using twilight but there needs to be Luna
There are so many issues with this fic... I'm not sure where to begin.
I'm going to ignore the problems with the story and focus on the actual writing for a moment.
I will just give you an example of a single sentence which does a decent job displaying why you NEED someone to help fix this fic.
Original
"...he was the one lucky chap out there to make peace with the Chinese be giving them possible the most technological advanced weapons know to man."
Edits
"... he was the
one'lucky' chapout theresent to make peace with the Chinese by giving them what was possibly the most technologically advanced weapons known to man."Edited.
"... he was the 'lucky' chap sent to make peace with the Chinese by giving them what was possibly the most technologically advanced weapons known to man."
Find a proofreader/editor who will be willing to go over the entire fic to make corrections.
As it stands, the errors are far too distracting to read this story.
(Joke) Alt. Title: It's My Light!
1791095 my girlfrend for starters and i would love to help^^