The Start of the Madness
Princess Celestia smiled as she looked over the various tables and wares laid out before her. Every corner of the Canterlot Castle Courtyard was filled with all sorts of delicious and not-so-nutritious wares, from eclairs and doughnuts to cakes and pies. Ponies from all walks of life licked their chops as they eyed the sugary delights sitting before them, just waiting to be devoured in one swift gulp. And with the judging almost complete, she too would have a chance as well.
There was no denying how much Celestia loved cake. Ever since a pony had stumbled across the first cake recipe over a thousand years prior, she had been infatuated with the pastry above any other kind of sweet. Sure, Luna had her candies, and those were fine in a pinch, but cake had been there every time she needed it. When she needed a treat after a stressful negotiation, a sponge cake was the answer. Bad court? A tiramisu. Realizing how long her sister had been missing?
...Okay, cake wasn't helpful there, but a bit of rum cake eased things just a little. In any case, this year's National Dessert Competition was progressing without a hitch, and before long she, too, would be indulging her sweet tooth. She had been looking forward to this event all year, and had even skipped breakfast and lunch just to make sure she had room for all these snacks. At least nothing could possibly go wrong...
----------
Meanwhile, trouble was brewing at the Foal Mountains. From a distance, the peaks would have seemed to be as typical as ever, save for the occasional camper or adventurous climber. In reality, however, a far greater threat than anything Equestria had ever faced lay within. For behind an illusionary boulder at the base of the mountains lay the most advanced laboratory this world – nay, this dimension – had ever seen. The steel-lined complex hummed with the sound of massive power generators, all of which was dedicated towards the twisted schemes of their nefarious master.
On the far side of the chamber, the man who had built this testament to evil was putting on the finishing touches of his latest plot. Every inch of his body was obscured by his protective suit, just in case the materials involved decided to act up again. His gloved hands wrapped themselves around a cylindrical container, its center emitting a dull green glow. Once he was satisfied that simply walking across the room wouldn't end with him getting blown to pieces, he slowly made his way to his actual invention in the lab's center.
Hanging from the ceiling was something that looked like a crystal cannon, with several large barrels connected to its center. With the utmost of caution, the man lifted the cylinder up and inserted it into one of the empty barrels. A soft click was the only proof that the device was loaded and ready to fire. And soon, it would get that chance...
The reminder that his victory was so near was enough to make the man pull off his radiation-shielding hood, revealing the cackling face of a bald-headed human. "Perfect. Then again, who should expect any less of Lex Luthor?"
The genius unzipped the rest of his gear, revealing a perfectly-pressed business suit underneath. After straightening his tie and dusting off his sleeves, he took a large step back to admire the triumph of his genius. "When I discovered this bizarre universe, I could scarcely imagine it would inspire the Man of Steel's undoing."
The mad genius had to give an evil chuckle at the beauty of it all, even as he walked over to the massive computer console and nest of monitors in the lab's east side. "I suppose I've never been one for magic, but it has shown to have considerable effects on Superman in the past. And with this world positively boiling over with the stuff, an opportunity such as this would be a foolish thing to waste. With the Justice League preoccupied, it was a simple thing to divert funding back to that Dimensional Gateway project. How fortunate was I to discover this pristine, untouched world first. A world ruled by equids, currently at an Industrial level of progress...and almost entirely dominated by magic."
His grin widened. "Once I had this facility constructed, it was simply a matter of learning how this power worked and harness it for my own ends. And now, I have everything I need to bring that alien imposter to his knees."
With a tap of a single key, the image on the monitors changed to a massive blueprint of the crystal cannon. Beneath the picture lay a progress bar, slowly shifting from red to green, along with a timer counting down from four hours. "The magic these...ponies use seems to react to the crystals I've found. By merging these infused crystals and the Kryptonite I had stored for such an occasion, I can create a stream of power capable of assaulting the Man of Steel with both magical energy and Kryptonite radiation simultaneously. Not even he could survive both weaknesses being exploited at once!"
Luthor's fists pounded at the console in manical glee. "And when Superman is destroyed, I can focus on bringing this entire world to heel! Imagine what power like this could accomplish back on Earth! I would have access to the world's cleanest, most efficient energy source! Governments the world over will beg for just the tiniest sample of magic! And nobody will ever suspect that I enslaved another world just to acquire it!" He laughed an evil laugh. "At long last, two worlds will bow before the genius of Lex Luthor, the..."
The future tyrant's gloating session came to a screeching halt as a rumbling emerged from his midsection. Luthor sighed and reclined in his seat, frustrated over the cause of the disruption. "Wonderful. I was so obsessed with my upcoming triumph that I missed lunch." He scratched his chin in quiet contemplation. "I have about two hours before my agent delivers the message to Superman's friends at the Daily Planet, and a few more minutes after that before Lois Lane and that spineless excuse of a man, Clark Kent, delivers the note. I think I have time for a more...celebratory meal than a mere sandwich."
Luthor's fingers glided deftly over the console controls, typing in the commands to switch to his satellite feeds. A few strategically-placed devices was all it took to monitor the surrounding countryside, and after he had calmed down from his discovery that this world's sun and moon rotated around the planet (something he would have to fix), he had learned more than enough about this world to judge its inhabitants. They would be no obstacle. Indeed, this was a land ruled by creatures roughly resembling ponies, with the occasional griffon or donkey thrown into the mix.
In any case, he was on a mission. Each of the satellites zoomed in as best they could, searching for something he could take for his meal. The thought of eating the ponies themselves was out of the question; he never had a taste for horse meat. There was plenty of game and livestock, but a genius like himself had no business preparing his own meals. There was plenty of fruit, including a surprisingly large apple orchard not too far away, but all thoughts of raiding that spot died as he saw the feed from the spy sat orbiting above the massive castle nearby.
There, in what he had to assume was the capital, were a collection of various cakes, sweets, and sugary delights. The ponies gathered within were being handed all manner of medals and awards, signifying a contest of some kind. Luthor had never attended any such baking event, but he knew enough about them to understand that the treats within almost always represented the very best the cooks had to offer.
"And besides," he said to himself, "this gives me a chance to test the new armory..."
----------
"Second prize goes to...Muddy May and her Power Pudding Popsicles!"
A dirt-brown Earth Pony whinnied in delight as a red ribbon was placed next to her table. Already, ponies were sizing up the frozen pudding-on-a-stick, judging whether or not it was worth looking into for their next meal. Celestia's eyes, of course, were on the various pastries. Not that she had anything against pudding, but...
"Sister, we must talk."
Celestia snapped back to reality at her sister's voice. Luna, Princess of the Moon and Night, stood alongside her with a worried, almost panicked expression on her face. Dessert would obviously have to wait. "What is it, Luna?"
"I found more of those flying machines," Luna whispered. Celestia's eyes flared open briefly in surprise, but her royal decorum was enough to rustle them back to normal before anypony else noticed. "We still have no idea what they are, but they appear to have some kind of telescope on the bottom end."
"Spies, perhaps?"
Luna shook her head. "We looked, but there was nopony inside. Even worse, there is no sign of any magic powering them. The panels on the side seem to have some kind of reaction with your own sun. And we still have no clues as to what happened to that strange portal our scouts discovered three weeks ago." Luna's face fell. "Sister...I think we are about to be invaded."
Celestia nodded her head. Between the two of them, they had seen Equestria through dozens of invasions, from the Griffon Kingdoms to the Crystal Empire. Somethings the victories were clear-cut, while on occasion the nation had survived by the skin of its teeth. Nevertheless, they had to be prepared for just such an event. "Tell the Captain to begin preparing our forces. Our scientists will have to hasten their studies if we are to understand just what we are being invaded with. Do we even know what species is capable of such an advanced level of technology?"
Luna shook her head. "It just feels...so alien to us. We might need Twilight Sparkle and her friends to..."
"And first place goes to...SUGAR CUBE CORNER AND THE MARZIPAN MASCARPONE MERINGUE MADNESS TAKE TWO!"
Everypony's eyes flipped over to the massive yellow cake at the far end of the contest grounds, as well as to the bakery's representatives: Pinkie Pie and her friends. A few of the participants mumbled angrily over how the Cakes had managed to enter the same cake twice over thanks to a technicality, but that would have to wait for a private conversation with Princess Celestia. Pinkie's face glowed like a light bulb as the judges stuck a blue ribbon to the table, signifying yet another glorious victory for Sugar Cube Corner.
Princess Celestia approached the winning table, her face wavering back and forth between worry over the day's events and exuberance over soon being able to bite into that tower of calories. Twilight's own eyes blew open as her mentor came nearer. "Princess Celestia! How are you?"
"I'm fine, Twilight," Celestia said softly. She turned her attention to Pinkie Pie. "Congratulations, Pinkie Pie. It seems like you have yet another wonderful entry this year."
Pinkie giggled in response, only to yelp in shock as Applejack reflexively stomped on her tail. Now that her friend was safely detained, Rarity levitated a cake server and chopped off a proper, lady-sized piece. "Would you care for a bite, Your Highness?"
Celestia grinned and licked her lips. The cake was so inviting, so luxurious. No...I have to focus on the task at hand! The dessert sat there, buttering her up with thoughts of sugary sustenance. Grr...Must get Twilight! Must use Elements of Harmony! Must...stop... The cake seemed to be pleading now, telling her it was alright to eat her. W-Well...I suppose a bite won't...
"GAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"
The cake piece fell to the ground as everypony's attention turned to the far side of the courtyard. The screaming guard tumbled out of the air and crashed into a tree, followed by a dozen or so others. A few seconds later, the source of his defeat came crashing down: a massive metal monstrosity, standing about as tall as Princess Celestia and being painted green and purple. Whatever was inside was hidden behind a tinted yellow glass of some kind, but it was plainly clear from the way it handled itself that it wasn't a pony. Accompanying it were several smaller orbs, about forty in total, with long, narrow arms that ended with lobster-like claws.
Luna slammed her hooves against the ground so hard that it created a small shockwave. "EVERYPONY EVACUATE THE COURTYARD! GUARDS, TO US!" The crowd responded immediately, charging inside in a mass panic that put every other panicky evacuation in the last two months to shame. Guards from all three races heeded the call as well, closing off every possible entrance from every angle. In the end, only Celestia, Luna, the Bearers of the Elements of Harmony, and the Royal Guard remained to confront this strange invader.
"Wh-What is that?" Fluttershy gasped from behind Rainbow Dash. The blue Pegasus was ready to charge, but Celestia's hoof held her back.
"Stranger, whoever you are, you have trespassed into Equestria and attacked my guards. I care not for what your intentions are, but we will no longer tolerate your floating spies. Leave, and I promise you we shall not pursue any undue recompense for your actions today. But if you persist in your invasion, then I shall..."
The rest of Celestia's epic speech died in her throat as she finally noticed what the orbs were doing. Each of the sphere-like monstrosities had floated over to the various dessert tables, nearly all of which were still standing even after the stampede, and grabbed a hold on the serving trays and plates underneath each of the remaining cakes. No sooner had they done this than they simply vanished, cake and all.; the process resembled a teleportation spell, but there was no flash of light or sparkly residue to mark their passing. Even the MMMM had vanished, leaving a clearly distraught Pinkie Pie to mull over how swiftly they had been defeated. They had been so focused on the tallest thing there that they hadn't even bothered to check on the rest of the invasion, and for all their training, the guards seemed too terrified to even move.
Finally, the armor took a few steps forward, with every movement being punctuated by what sounded like whirring gears. The tinted glass slid upwards into the armor's hood, revealing a glowing blue light, much like a film projector. A few seconds later, the light suddenly flashed, followed by what looked like a film projection of...some sort of bald-headed, monkey-like creature in a suit appearing before them. "Greetings, ponies. My apologies for not appearing in person, but I have other, more important matters than you to attend to."
Everypony had to tilt their heads in confusion. Nopony in all of Equestria had seen anything like this, even with magic, and the way the thing spoke and acted seemed almost real. Were it not for the fact that apes never attained any form of sentience, it would almost seem like he really was an alien. The Sun Alicorn, being the highest-ranking pony in attendance at the moment, slowly approached the curious projection. "I am Princess Celestia of Equestria. And you are...?"
"Lex Luthor, of Metropolis." The projected man straightened his tie. No doubt he was of some importance back in this..."Metropolis" or whatever it was, and thus not used to having to introduce himself.
"Very well then...Mr. Luthor, you have assaulted by guards and stolen the hard work of forty bakers. And I can assume that you're responsible for the devices we've found in the sky?"
"You mean my satellites. I was wondering what happened to those. But it doesn't matter. The truth is, 'Princess,' that within hours, I will have destroyed the greatest threat my people have ever faced. But even with his destruction, we will still have need of Equestria's resources. This was more than just a dinner run, you see."
Luna's eyes narrowed. "You were testing our defenses."
"And I must say, I haven't seen a sorrier excuse for an army in some time." The projected Luthor turned his eyes to the downed guards, who were only just now struggling back to their hooves. "Of course, this is just a sample of what I'm bringing to the table, and since you seem to be in charge here, I'm willing to make an offer. Turn over leadership of your country to my corporation, and I'll see to it that the rest of your horses are treated...reasonably well. Don't, and I might have to..."
The projector wasn't able to get another word out before Celestia presented her counteroffer. Her horn lit with the golden aura of a thousand angry suns, charging its power for several seconds before finally unleashing all its energy in a single massive ray of power. The blast fired straight through Luthor's chest and slammed into the armor itself. The sheer heat from the blast tore at the armor's surface, melting away the exterior and exposing whatever devices allowed it to move briefly before they were also reduced to slag. By the time Celestia was done, Luthor's projection had faded to static, while the thing that had brought this to her attention was little more than a pool on the dirt.
The courtyard was dead silent for several seconds prior, until Applejack spoke. "Wh-Wha' 'n tarnation was that?!"
"Is it not obvious?!" Luna snapped in response. "Equestria is being invaded by..." She rolled her eyes at the word. "Extraterrestials. Whoever this 'Lex Luthor' is, he has to be found and stopped."
Twilight and the others looked about each other and nodded in affirmation. "Come on, girls!" said Twilight. "We just need to grab the Elements of Harmony, and..."
"No, Twilight."
Everypony froze as Celestia spoke up. Her voice bore no trace of its usual warmth of cheer, but instead was filled with what amounted to a terrible rage. Her eyes never once left the pile of slag. "Luna, I want you and the others to remain here. I will deal with this Lex Luthor myself."
The entire courtyard gasped in alarm. "B-But Celestia," said Luna, "the last time you fought...with the Changeling Queen, you..."
Celestia grimaced and winced. Yes, she remembered that experience quite vividly. "That is why I must do this alone. This is the second time in a year that an enemy has managed to break into Equestria on my watch, and I will not allow this invader the chance to do so again." She turned to her sister and comrades, her eyes burning as brightly as the sun she commanded. "That is why you must all remain here. Any word now, news of this attack will spread throughout Canterlot, and our ponies will need guidance. If something should happen to me, you must look over Equestria in this hour of crisis."
Luna opened her mouth to protest, but Celestia had already vanished in a sea of sparkles and twinkles. The other ponies just watched the spot she had been standing in for several more moments before Twilight finally spoke. "D-Do you think she will be all right?"
Rainbow Dash grunted and walked up alongside Twilight, her head level and eyes narrowed. "Come on! Are you really going to follow a stupid order like that?"
"I would." Everypony turned to Luna. The one remaining Alicorn in attendance hung her head low. "I know the situation might seem extreme, but Celestia knows what she's doing. She's raised and lowered the sun for thousands of years; she knows the risk she takes every time her life is put on the line. But she will succeed, if not for herself, then for us..."
----------
The first thing to cross Celestia's mind as she reappeared on the clouds outside Canterlot was cold, hard anger. Not only had Lex Luthor offended her with this sham attack, but he had run away with the one thing she had been looking forward to all day:
The cakes.
Her guards would recover; she had seen them take worse blows from training exercises. Luna was a capable pony, and she would be able to handle any crisis or upheaval this sudden confirmation of alien life would create. But Luthor had done far worse than just endanger her ponies. He had used her attempts at parlay to steal her desserts. Many had tried similar tasks, from assassins and thieves to even Luna on occasion, and all suffered the same defeat.
Luthor would be no different.
----------
The suit's microphone spurted one last time, and then went to static. Luthor's visual feed had been lost since the armor had begun to melt, but he had at least been able to hear everything that had been said. So involved was he in his work that he barely even noticed as his probes set the stolen desserts on the tables behind him. "So, this...Princess Celestia is more powerful than I thought. And she raises and lowers the sun? So that's why..."
His eyes widened as the implications came into view. "Wait...the Kryptonian is also powered by sunlight." He turned to his lower-left monitor, which showed a statistical log of the suit's temperature. "And when that weapon of hers struck, the heat level was a perfect match for Superman's heat vision. Could it be...?"
For but a brief moment, a look of primal rage crossed Luthor's face, only to cool right back to his normal, smug expression of contempt. "In any case, at least tonight doesn't promise to be boring..."
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Well, time to come clean on this one. This really isn't one of my best works, obviously, but it's not really intended to be. This is just me having fun.
Next time, the real battle begins. Will Celestia's magic triumph, or will Luthor bring her low with his scientific genius? Stay tuned to find out!
The old joke! It LIVES!
When no one was looking, Lex Luthor took forty cakes. He took 40 cakes. That's as many as four tens, and represents an NK-class end of the world scenario in which the entire planet, and then the universe, is overrun by cake. And that's terrible.
He took this cake
Hmmm I expected a crackfick, but this is actually pretty good. Totally silly, but good.
Hm... go on. May not be your best, but it shall be hilarious.
Going to read this fairly soon :D should be interesting. Oh, but before I do....
The cake is a lie.
The cake is a lie.
The cake is a lie.
The cake is a lie.
The cake is a lie.
1656942
LOL. No, it was all of them. How do you think he got 40 cakes in one fell swoop? Also, that SCP should totally be used to fight world hunger.
HA, and here I was thinking that it would be a good excuse to have Princess Celestia to have the same similarities as Superman in this story, but your one step ahead of me and beat to it. Funny story to have Lex Luthor to steal the cakes as to have Celestia with her cravings for cakes as well. Sort of reminds of King Dedede from Kirby's Dreamland where he stolen all the food that the hero has to find (the fiend
).
/whatever
Anyhow, can't wait to see more as I can see this potentially as an awesome adventure/comedy for a crossover fanfic. Keep up the good work man
. By the way, funny image for your story
1654795 I did not think you would go through with this, buy thank you!
1656983
There's currently 237 of the cakes. 40 is significantly less than all of them.
1657036 I meant all of the 40 cakes. Think about it, he takes 1, according to the rule of doubles in just a couple of hours he's got 4, and a couple hours after that he's got 16. I imagine upon his realization that there are so many he would attempt to eat a few (assuming they're small). Six small cakes later, he has a stomachache, and the rest of them, ten, doubles into 20. He gives up and an hour later he's got 40 cakes.
[edit] Hmm upon rereading your original comment I figured out where I went wrong. I assumed when you wrote "he took this cake" for some reason you meant one of them was that cake.
!
YESSSSSSS...
Seriously, crack fics are fun.
1657179
It doesn't take a couple of hours. It's every 24 hours that they double. Basically, once a day.
Still an end of the world scenario if you don't have somebody eat them once a day to stop them from increasing in number.
I normally don't do crossovers but you have captured my sights just by that picture... I will have to read this later.
How very silly.
Destroy my armies -- sure, attack my ponies -- okay, STEAL THE ROYAL CAKE -- This looks like a job for super-celestia....
themarysue.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/03/RHFIYPTV43ICN3ONZYVT6CUIG7QFOOPX.jpeg
This is bloody awesome.
I can't wait for the next chapter!
1657789 I knew there was a reference that I was missing. Where's that from?
1657894
Read this and you'll know.
1657913 Aaahhh, I see.
A bit too loose for me for a non-crackfic. Would've liked to see some more explanations and setup then this. Overall though seems like it'll be fun.
Love the story :)
Why is there a random ad for swords here? lol logic
You magnificent bastard, you really did it!
I can't wait to see what happens next!
I fear that this is just another story that belittles the glorious human species. Sounds interesting so far...
[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=pirnxPT8ogA#t=180s]
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=pirnxPT8ogA#t=180s]AW SCREW IT JUST GO HERE
Found something though.
Moment
Yes, I am nitpicking on the crack fic.
Luthor should have waited until no one was looking.
He's so boned.
Wow that was hilarious :D
no matter what you write it's simply a masterpiece.
Keep up the awesome work and never forget that your awesome.
That profile pic....
And aside from that... the story is very well written with a rip-roaring flow akin to reading a comic book (which is good). Lex Luthor is... well... Lex Luthor as far as I remember him as. Celestia.... is... well... I don't know how you did it, but even with the cake joke, she's still the God Alicorn Superhero (basically) of Equestria. Can't wait for update!
... not all of the desserts were cake there were 40 bakers second place had pudding pops... there are at most 39 cakes.
Also villainous self monologue works to an extent but I'm not so sure...
Hmm... not sure how cracky this is meant to be. You openly admit that this is just you being a bit silly and having fun, but there's no comedy tag and despite the rather ridiculous underlying premise events are being handled rather seriously. I can't quite say I enjoyed this -- yet -- but that's mostly to do with what's here being little more than a prelude of more to come (although the way you describe Celestia's cake fetish was quite entertaining and nearly justifies everything else all by itself). Still, I'll be looking forward to the rest.
Also, I noticed a couple of what appear to be errors...
Sometimes
My
"Mr. Luthor, you have assaulted by guards and stolen the hard work of forty bakers."
> my guards
But, even if the joke is old, I still love it.
Damn those irresistible cakes. And now the pastries have a champion? This can only end with Lexlestia shipping and then working together to steal (and eat) all the cakes in the multiverse.
"Were it not for the fact that apes never attained any form of sentience..."
Ummm...Apes ARE sentient dude. Some would argue that their on the verge of Sapience but, regardless, they're generally NOT as SAPIENT as people are. SAPIENT is the word you were looking for.
3011321
Also, in universe, there's an entire city of Apes with technology more advanced than our own. Lex himself got pwn by Gorrilla Grodd a couple times.
1656913
old joke? I guess I missed that one.
...who exactly is Supes impersonating, Lex?
You would. You would.