The Madness Continues
Celestia splayed herself over the cloud, her mind retracing every step of the journey so far. Okay, Celestia. You are facing an alien invader who loves cake just as much as you do. You have no idea what his plans are or how to fight him. But before you can do anything else, you have to find him...
“I found more of those flying machines. We still have no idea what they are, but they appear to have some kind of telescope on the bottom end.”
Celestia's eyes lit up as a plan began to take hold. Rising back to her haunches, she turned her head upwards towards the sky. The clear blue atmosphere looked as normal as ever to the casual eye, save for a small twinkling in the distance. Having found her target, Celestia snapped her wings until her muscles were sufficiently stretched, crouched back, and gave a might leap...
----------
Luthor's eyes twitched just slightly as he beheld the feast before him. Cakes of every shape and size, spanning every possible interpretation of the pastry's family, were laid out with perfect, delicate precision. A few had pieces missing, but there was no sign of any fingers or hooves run through their surfaces...save for the marmalade cake in the back, which had some evidence of bite marks buried under a fresh application of frosting. The moment the cakes had been put into place, the probes had retracted their extremities and packed themselves neatly on a nearby shelf to await their master's next orders.
“That is an incredible amount of cake,” he muttered to himself. “There's no possible way of storing it all.” Grinning, the archvillain reached into a nearby drawer and removed a stainless steel fork. Its edges glistened and gleaned in the light reflected from the nearby generators, not to mention the gentle green energy humming from the still-charging cannon. “Well, no sense letting it all go to waste...”
“LUTHOR!”
Lex's head spun about at the crackling, almost unintelligible scream of his name. The sound appeared to be coming from the direction of his monitors, but anything beyond that point was drowned in a sea of seeming gibberish and nonsensical screams. Sighing, Luthor set his fork down for the moment and turned away from his glorious meal to return to work.
At first, he had assumed it was Superman. The Man of Steel was never known for keeping to the schedule, always showing up early or late just to spite his genius. But the satellite's side camera feed showed an entirely different story. Staring back at him was the grainy picture of a white horse with a rainbow-colored mane, fluttering away in the evening breeze. Despite his frustration at losing another of his precious surveillance satellites, Luthor couldn't help but smile. “Clever, princess. Well, I suppose I should return the favor...”
----------
“...and furthermore, if you will surrender yourself, I shall see to it that you are treated fairly and given an impartial trial. Decline these terms, and I shall have no choice but to pursue you to the furthest extent of my abilities.”
Celestia had no idea whether or not the device was picking up her voice, nor how it worked to begin with. She had managed to pluck it out of orbit easily enough, but the contraption seemed both incredibly fragile and impossibly advanced. The telescope at the bottom was busted beyond repair, having been bucked loose during the initial fly-and-grab, but there also seemed to be a similar lense on the side, right over what looked like a thick glass window. The metal sheets attached to the sides were shredded from the sudden drop, but otherwise the cylindrical object remained mostly intact. At least we will learn some more of these invaders before...
“Hello, Princess.”
To Celestia's befuddlement, a burst of white light appeared beneath the glass, followed a few seconds later by Luthor's face. If she wasn't so worried about destroying the thing and depriving Equestria of another source of study, she would have dropped the entire satellite right then and there. Her confusion was not lost on the grinning...creature inside the box. “My apologies. I seem to have forgotten how primitive you horses are.”
Celestia's eyes scanned every inch of the object, and found no sign of anypony inside. No doubt Luthor was repeating the same technique he had used with the armor previously. Finally, she turned her eyes back to the window. “Alright, Luthor, where is the source of this projection? What are you planning?”
Luthor's grin grew. “If I were to tell you everything, it would spoil the surprise. You were fortunate to have picked one of the satellites I had put in place for Superman; otherwise, we wouldn't have this opportunity to talk things over.”
“Super...man?” Celestia cocked an eyebrow. “Just who is this, anyway? Was he that enemy you mentioned back at the castle?”
As soon as the question left Celestia's royal lips, a cold change swept over Luthor's very form. His brow creased, his lips pursed, and his eyes watered with white-hot fury. Anger and rage spread throughout his body as his cold, hateful eyes locked with the princess'. “Superman...is a fraud, an alien masquerading as a human so he can meddle in mankind's affairs.”
The sound of something tapping against something else rattled through the device's speakers for a few seconds, followed by Luthor's face condensing to the left to allow another creature the chance to appear. Celestia's eyes widened as she saw the newcomer to this conversation. It was a being roughly similar to Luthor in appearance, but seemingly far more developed muscularly, with a black mane and a frankly ridiculous set of clothing. Even more amazing, however, was what he was doing: flying over a city that resembled Manehatten. I-Is he here already? Do we have another alien to contend with?
“To sate your curiosity,” Luthor continued, completely unaware of his adversary's discomfort, “this is Superman, an unwelcome immigrant from the dead planet Krypton. This meddlesome fool has stood in the way of my plans for far too long, holding back mankind's promise and reveling in their praise.” Another series of taps, and the picture of Superman vanished, freeing up Luthor's own visage to spread across the whole window again. “I have tried to free my world from his corrupted influence for years, but he is almost completely impervious to harm. Fortunately, he is weakened by the unique radiations emitted from kryptonite, the remnants of his home world. I've also noted a lack of resistance to magic, which seems to be commonplace in your world.”
Celestia's eyes narrowed. “So that's why you've invaded. You're bringing this war of yours to Equestria.”
Luthor nodded and smiled. “You're an attentive one, princess. That's why I'm willing to make a deal.”
“A deal?”
“This world has a great deal of potential.” Luthor moved his face away from the window just a bit. “With the magic crystals I've harnessed, I could break my world's reliance on fossil fuels. And my own species can offer you a great deal, princess. After the display your guards put up tonight, imagine how badly they would suffer when faced with more than a single opponent. So my deal is this: you surrender your nation to me, and I will allow you to remain in control. You will be able to run things much like you normally would, while I would offer to share my weapons technology with your defense department. All I ask is that you do not interfere with my battle with Superman, and support whatever decisions I make regarding your ponies...”
----------
“...That way, we can put all this unpleasantness behind us and focus on our real enemy: Superman.”
Luthor leaned back in his chair, his face beaming with a smug assurance of his inevitable victory. He had had his fair share of dealings with nobility on his own world, even marrying one he had the misfortune to cross path with. They were all the same, caring only about holding onto their power and advancing in rank. And she was powerful, as the incident at the castle had demonstrated. No doubt she would be willing to make any deal that would allow her to maintain her position and reputation amongst the ponies.
The answer came within moments. “Luthor...I am giving you two hours to get off my planet.”
That...wasn't what he was looking for. Still, Luthor expression remained as conceited as ever, making even the act of pressing buttons on a keyboard look like he was composing the greatest symphony of destruction Equestria had ever seen. “I attempted to play nice, Princess, but it seems you've forced my hand. I had been saving this for later, but still, a little expedience never hurt business.”
----------
Celestia tilted her head to the left just as the image vanished. “Expedience? What does he...?”
And then she heard the rumbling.
Followed by the screeching of an object pushing against the wind.
And that's when she saw the cone-shaped objects, speeding from the direction of the Foalish Mountains. There were three in total, roaring with the ferocity of a thousand angry dragons, their shiny white bodies broken up just slightly by a few dashes of yellow paint and a glowing green tip. She had no idea what they were, but it was obvious they were some sort of weapon.
And they were heading her way.
Celestia barely had time to scream before she took off, leaving the satellite to fall to the ground. Her wings beat against the air, her horn firing up any enchantments she could muster to increase her speed. And yet, no matter how fast she went, the weapons remained on her tail, inching closer and closer...
Wait...why am I flying?
Once again, Celestia's horn lit up like a Hearth's Warming Eve tree, bathing her entire body in a golden aura for just one second before it – and her – vanished in a puff of white light. A half-second later, she emerged behind the devices, her body barely registering the intense heat given off by their fiery rears. The cones continued to fly straight ahead, completely ignoring their former target. Now that she was finally safe, Celestia let out a sigh of relief. So they're like giant arrows or javelins, travelling in one direction and not stopping until they hit the ground. At least they won't...
That was when she opened her eyes...and saw the missiles make a wide, arcing turn and resume their course...towards her. Celestia gasped in terror before teleporting once again...only for her opponents to spin back and resume their trajectory. Whatever these things were, they obviously had some intelligence, or at least a means of controlling from the ground.
The Alicorn's heart sank as the infernal devices drew closer and closer...
Wait a minute...
Celestia stayed hovering in the air, her wings beating furiously to keep her suspended. The weapons, unaware of the smirk on her lips, continued unwaveringly in their advance. Right as they were about to make contact, however, Celestia vanished in another puff of light, again appearing behind them. The projectiles continued to fly forward, no doubt waiting until they had enough room to turn around. Just as they began to arc, the Princess summoned up as much power as she could muster, focused it on her horn's tip, and let loose a beam of golden energy, slamming into the nose of one of the objects. In an instant, the thing's entire body was consumed in a massive explosion of yellow and green, setting Celestia's mane on end from shock. W-Wait...these things are EXPLOSIVE?!
She had no time to ponder the significance of this revelation, however. The other two objects had still managed to pull off their maneuver, once again barreling in on the Princess of the Sun. Once again, she waited until the last moment, teleported out of the way, and fired upon another one, blowing it apart in a similar explosion. Her smirk grew into a dominating, almost gloating grin as the last of the flying objects prepared to spin about...
----------
A brief flash of rage spread across Luthor's face. His computer beeped away furiously, the monitor pointing out the two missing weapons. “Those were meant to soften the Man of Steel as he approached...and she took them out in but a few moments? Are here powers this comparable to his?”
Then the idea struck home, and his frustration turned to triumph. “Then perhaps she has the same weakness...”
----------
Celestia powered up her horn, preparing to teleport once again as soon as the object came within range. It barreled in closer, and closer, and closer...
And then suddenly turned and sped off.
The sudden change in her opponent's attack forced Celestia to power down. She watched in confusion as the weapon flew away, seemingly vanishing into the distance. I-Is that all? Is Luthor giving up?
And then she realized the terrible cost of her negligence. The weapon suddenly spun about and homed in on a new target, a collection of buildings nestled in the shadow of Canterlot itself. It was an important trading post, the first town travelers would encounter upon descending the capital's mighty summit. And most importantly of all, it was home to her personal student and her friends. And even though they were still back in Canterlot, there were still thousands of other ponies all resting in their homes, preparing to dream of a night where they wouldn't be blown into oblivious.
Ponyville.
The fiend's going to destroy Ponyville!
Celestia sped off almost immediately, even as the weapon continued to lurch downwards towards the unsuspecting ponies below. She briefly considered firing her horn again, but cold reality brought an end to such thoughts. She was too far away and moving too quickly to get a precise shot, sending any errant bolts in the direction of her subjects. And even if she did strike the weapon, the explosion and falling debris would still cause considerable damage. There was no way to simply blast it out of the sky.
That left only one option.
Mere moments before the explosive nose of the craft could touch ground, right in the middle of Ponyville's town square, Celestia's body slammed into its tail. Her legs wrapped around the end and shoved the entirety of her weight downward. Fortunately, the combination of her powerful magic and centuries of eating fattening foods had finally paid off, and the sudden jolt was enough to redirect the weapon's path, sending it hurtling off towards the stars with Celestia still attached.
Once she was certain Ponyville was undamaged (save for some burning from the rocket's flaming base), Celestia spun herself around so she could see the front. Beneath her, the metal tube seemed to fight with a will all its own, bucking her like a steer at a rodeo. But she was not going to let go. All she had to do was guide the weapon into position and...
And avoid the Pegasi family sitting on that cloud, enjoying a twilight picnic to celebrate an upcoming wedding. Celestia shoved her body leftwards, barely avoiding the bewildered bystanders.
She gave a sigh of relief...until she saw the passing flying chariot full of schoolfoals, returning home after a long day of fractions, literature, and experiencing the frill of not being blown up by an alien superweapon.
Another twist...and a near miss at the Cloudsdale Retirement Palace. Fortunately, the only pony still awake to notice the land's ruler saddling a giant metal cylinder was so sedated that he passed it off as a simple fever dream.
Finally, just as Celestia was ready to curse her very luck, she broke free of the clouds and reached into the very atmosphere of the world itself. Her lips flapped and eyes watered from the g-forces around her, but that did little to dull her commitment to this task. Somehow, she had to save Equestria from this madman...and if that meant riding an explosive device into the very depths of space, so be it.
Fortunately, she was finally at the right elevation for her plan. She pulled her legs off the giant device's end, spun about in the air, and gave it a hard buck in a matter of milliseconds. The sudden force sent the weapon hurtling into the distance, far away from any flying civilization...and right into range of her horn's beam. A single blast was enough to detonate the metal tube, endings its threat once and for all.
Celestia remained silent for a few seconds afterward, her lungs pounding from her mane-raising experience, not to mention the air pressure from riding a super-explosive weapon this high into the atmosphere. Once she was satisfied that she wasn't going to die or get hit from behind with yet another rocket or the like, the princess' eyes turned away from the darkness of space and back to Equestria below. She still had a job to do, a villain to foil, and cakes to devour.
The Princess tucked her legs under her barrel, tilted downwards, and began her descent towards the Foal Mountains.
----------
Luthor's clenched fists pounded against the side of the control console, his mouth contorting into a furious sneer. His surveillance cameras and remaining satellites all told the same story. Not only had this pampered princess managed to destroy three of his most advanced missiles, but she now had the audacity to dare a direct confrontation. Even as he fumed, she was darting ever closer to his mountain hideout. “The arrogance! How dare she stand in the way of Luthor and progress! Does she care nothing for her subjects?! Can she not see the advancements I can offer these ponies!”
His gaze shifted to the progress bar for his new weapon. “The cannon will certainly be enough to destroy her, but I only have one shot! I can only waste so many resources on one flying horse!”
Then the idea struck him, and in but the blink of an eye, all his rage had faded away, replaced instead with a gloat of superiority. “Perhaps it's time for a change of tactics...”
----------
An uneasy calm settled across the Foal Mountains as Celestia approached. The small range was mostly uninhabited, although plans had been proposed to raise up a settlement from time to time. Not that it was impossible to live there, mind, but it was a bit out of the way of any road system at the time, which tended to make transporting ponies and supplies a bit of a hassle. But that was besides the point. All that mattered was that any house or structure would stick out like a sore hoof against the landscape, making finding Luthor an easy task.
That is, it would have been an easy task if there had been anything to see. Instead, the mountains seemed as lonely and isolated as ever, with barely even the creaking of a cricket to be heard. Celestia's wings slowed in their flapping, gradually descending to a gentle glide as she surveyed what she had thought would be her next battlefield. But there was no great factory, no fortress, nothing that could possible explain where this madman was hiding and, most importantly, holding her precious cakes.
Nothing up here...
Celestia stopped flying in an instant, barely resisting the urge to smack herself as she went into a hovering position. Of course Luthor wouldn't have his base in plain sight! And even with a cloaking spell, he wouldn't have taken the risk of somepony stumbling across it. That means his base is...
She lowered her eyes, her horn already preparing the vision spells necessary to see through walls. She didn't particularly like to use these enchantments, due to both moral objections and that crusty feeling they always left after they wore off, but this was an emergency situation. All she would have to do was look down for a few seconds, scan every inch of the mountains for some kind of hidden cavern or underground lair, and she would be in business.
That was when the first beam flew past her face.
Celestia reared up, the hot light missing her nose by only a few inches. She had barely enough time to turn her head towards the source of the blast before another shot went out, singing the very tips of her tail. To the princess' horror, the ground beneath her was suddenly peppered with what looked like a checkerboard arrangement of gopher holes, only instead of furry burrowing rodents, the holes were filled with what looked like metal tubes filled with finely-chiseled, glowing crystals.
She would have thought up what this meant, but any further thought ceased as a dozen of the holes began to glow with a red light...
----------
Luthor chuckled as he swallowed his latest bite of vanilla-strawberry-fudge triple layer cake. The monitors that weren't already committed to watching for Superman or displaying the readout for the cannon all displayed the same glorious image: Celestia desperately dodging the waves of laser beams. The flying horse bucked and weaved through the energy grid of death, desperately searching for some way to escape the situation, but Luthor knew there was none to be found.
“Enjoying yourself, Princess?” Luthor chuckled. “I worked the early crystals into my existing anti-air system. The power inside them wouldn't be quite enough to destroy Superman, but it would definitely soften him for the next assault. I wonder how long you'll last...”
----------
Celestia could feel exhaustion overtake every inch of her being, along with the small burns created by the hot lasers. Her eyes scanned for some kind of escape, but there was none to be found; every possible pathway was blocked by a sudden stream of death. She could already taste her strength ebbing with every passing moment; if she couldn't get out of this soon, there was no telling if she could survive. This would doom not only her precious cake, but also her very ponies...
I have to find a way out of here...but how can I do that in...time...
Celestia's horn lit up at the last thought, building up more and more power as she continued to dance with death. Another beam grazed her flank, followed by a shot along her mane, but those were not enough to break her concentration. When the energy collecting finally hit the critical point, she released the stored magic in a single massive shockwave, weaving her spell over every inch of the surrounding area. For the first time that night, however, something finally went right: the beams around her slowed to a crawl before stopping completely, as did the wind, the grass, the insects, and anything else that happened to be in the area. Nothing could defy a Stop Time spell, after all.
With the beams now frozen like deadly stalks of bamboo, Celestia effortlessly slid between the offensive magic until she was finally outside the deadly web. As she looked back at the still-frozen prison, however, she realized something rather important. It's not enough just to escape. I have to prove that we ponies are not to be messed with.
That was when she saw the giant, conveniently-placed sand pile...
----------
As time returned to normal, Luthor's jaw dropped in amazement. “H-How is this?! One moment she was standing in the middle of my defenses, and the next she's gone? There's not even a record of her moving!”
Desperate for answers, Luthor punched a few more keys on his control panel, causing his cameras to rotate about in search of their target. When they finally found her, she was hovering high in the sky, directly in the center of the laser web. Luthor smiled as he pressed another switch. “Enough games, Celestia. Let's see how you handle a concentrated blast...”
----------
The lasers, which had once been set to create an impenetrable field of doom, suddenly shifted about in their holes until they were all facing just above the very middle of the centermost laser. Above them, Celestia simply floated in the air, not giving a care in the world as the beams all fired towards each other, their energy feeding into each other until they transformed into a single giant beam of death, destruction, doom, and a few other things that started with “d.” And yet, Celestia didn't move a muscle, save to smile at the oncoming attack.
The beam finally struck at its target...the glass mirror Celestia happened to have been levitating directly in front of her. The laser struck right back down, slamming into the mountaintop even hotter than ever. The magical impact detonated the energy crystals, resulting in a massive explosion that leveled the very top off the mountain and sent rocks flying for miles around. Fortunately, she was able to catch most of them, allowing only a few large boulders to land somewhere in the distance.
What was most impressive, however, was what the explosion had revealed. A particularly large explosion at one end of the mountain revealed a large, metallic doorway, seemingly connected to some kind of tunnel deeper within. Celestia grinned in triumph as she landed, letting the massive mirror rest against the grass. No doubt, Lex Luthor was inside, just waiting for her to arrive...
----------
The explosion did nothing to shake his lair's foundations, but it was more than enough to rankle Luthor's pride. Growling in rage, he tossed the small dish aside, the plate shattering against the bunker's steel floor, and pounded his fists against the side of the console. “How can this be? What matter of beast is this?”
“LUTHOR! COME OUT HERE AND FACE ME THIS INSTANT!”
Luthor's eyes widened as the voice echoed through the chamber. There was an entire corridor between the door she had uncovered, and yet he could hear her voice as clearly as if she was standing right next to him. The supervillain lurched over in his chair, his beady eyes locked on the one thing standing between him and certain destruction. “Superman isn't due to arrive for another few minutes. The cannon is almost fully charged. I just need a little more time...”
His eyes shifted just a small bit to the right, catching sight of the probes sitting in standby mode. “There's dozens of them...but they're not built for combat. A direct assault would be useless. What I need is a diversion...”
----------
Celestia slammed her hoof against the metal door, poking and prodding for some way of opening the blasted thing. Unfortunately, not only was the doorway most certainly not of this world, but it had no handle, no visible lock, no anything that could possibly be used to will it open. She could simply smash it to pieces or melt it down, but she had no idea what was on the other side; for all she knew, Luthor had rigged the doorway with more of those magic beam devices.
Before she could consider another plan of action, she heard a now-familiar, unwelcome voice ring out from all sides, seemingly from the very earth itself. “So you've found me, princess. Clever.”
Celestia cocked her head. “I should thank you for giving yourself away. You saved me a lot of trouble.”
“And I should thank you for standing so still.”
That was when Celestia finally noticed the dark shadow eclipsing her body, the door, and pretty much everything else for that matter. Her eyes widened as she spun about, followed by her jaw slacking downward like it had just come unhinged. For standing in front of her was a gigantic abomination of steel and lights, raising itself on two metal appendages and bearing towards her with what appeared to be rounded claws.
“Allow me to introduce you to the LexCorp Heavy Mechanical Assault Unit. I had originally designed it for sale to the military, but Superman exposed a few...not-so-public business transactions and cost me the contract. He destroyed most of them, but I managed to hide a few just in case. This one I actually had specially made for dealing with the Man of Steel, but I'm sure enough armaments to level an entire continent will be more than suffice to destroy even a creature like yourself.”
Celestia shook her head in disbelief. “How is such a thing possible? Where are the po- humans controlling it?”
Another chuckle, this time longer and more mocking in tone. “So primitive. In my world, we've long mastered artificial intelligence. All I have to do is give it a command from my terminal, and he does the rest.”
“So it's not alive?”
“Of course not, equine! But enough of this prattle. Prepare to-”
Before Luthor could finish his threat, Celestia was already at work. With a defiant cry, she charged towards the waiting machine, her body covered in a golden aura. Every inch of her body became augmented with a combination of strength and speed spells, changing the Alicorn from a mere cake-loving princess to a vengeful juggernaut. Her poor opponent had barely enough time to process what was occurring before Celestia's body crashed straight through its midsection, punching through metal and gearworks like they were little more than wet paper. She paused and turned about fifteen feet away from the monstrosity's body as it tumbled to the ground, shaking everything within fifty years with a massive tremor and spreading all manner of debris about the battlefield.
“...That was a very expensive machine, princess. I hope your treasury can cover the cost.”
Still elated from her recent victory, Celestia veered herself downward and slammed into the ground, her hooves crushing small craters into the earth as she landed. “I don't know how things work on your messed-up little world, but here, the invaded country doesn't pay back the ones trying – and failing – to take it over.”
“...Do you have any idea how corny that sounds? You feel more and more like Superman every time you open your mouth.”
Celestia's eyes narrowed as she regarded the last barrier between her and her prey. She could feel her legs kicking at the earth involuntarily, preparing for the upcoming primeval charge. “Lex Luthor, in the short amount of time we have known each other, you have broken into my palace, assaulted my ponies, and tried to murder me. Right now, I am tired, hungry, and exhausted, and my immeasurable patience has officially run out. Either you surrender yourself and the cakes, or I will have no choice but to tear this door down and haul you back to Canterlot by your leg.”
----------
Luthor slowly turned his gaze to the slice of cake, and then back at the monitor. “Wait...this was about the cake?”
----------
The words burrowed into Celestia's very being, striking her straight in the heart. “B-But I...I love cake, yes, but my country is in danger. My ponies always come first.”
“I must say, Superman never assaulted me for stealing a cake from him. Don't you have...bakers and servants who could just make you some more? It seemed I interrupted a contest; surely one of the other horses in attendance had something.”
Celestia snorted. Not even Discord was this aggravating. “Luthor, do you truly believe you can stand before me? Your weapons are impressive, I admit, but I have faced far worse than you. Now, do you have any last words before your arrest?”
----------
Luthor set the pastry aside and leaned back in his seat. “Yes, I do. Do you remember when I said the Assault Unit was unpiloted?”
“Of course,” Celestia's voice replied.
Then came the grin. “I lied.”
----------
Celestia's eyes widened as she spun about, expecting to see a mangled mess of body parts or something even more damning mixed in with the robot's wreckage. Instead, however, she saw the same orb-like machines that had originally absconded with the cakes, pouring out of the many cracks and fissures of the broken machine like a punctured sandbag. There were hundreds – nay, thousands, all relentlessly drawing closer and closer to the princess.
Grimacing, Celestia charged the tip of her horn for a massive magical blast, but froze as several pairs of hands gripped across her rear legs and flank. Her head turned just in time to catch even more of the infernal machines coming in from what looked like ventilation shafts above the doorway. Once again, she attempted to pull together the magical forces necessary to save herself, this time to create an explosion around her body to fry off the intruders...
And then she felt a needle pierce her skin, followed by several others. And then the world began to spin. She barely even noticed the combined mass of devices pulling her up into the air.
----------
Luthor chuckled as he watched his adversary be carried away like a balloon. “Ah yes, my probes. Such wonderful little devices, the perfect workers when away from anyone I can reasonably trust. It's a shame I'll have to discard of these loyal units, but like people, there is always more when I need them.”
He leaned over the control panel. “I don't know if you can hear me, princess, but each of those probes is fitted with a self-destruct device. Normally, it would have no more explosive impact than a mere hand grenade, but when together, I'm certain their combined heat will be enough to roast even a being like yourself. And if that doesn't work, there's still the matter of the shrapnel. And with the sedatives I've equipped them with working through your bloodstream, you won't be able to manufacture another fantastical escape.”
His finger tapped against the switch, beginning the countdown. “I enjoyed our time together, but Superman should be here within minutes, and I can't waste any more of my resources on you.”
----------
Celestia coughed and gagged, her head still feeling like that time she'd downed an entire cellar's worth of cider two thousand years before. The first thing she realized upon regaining consciousness was the giant, all-consuming blob of round objects grappling her. The second was that she was now five hundred feet above Equestria.
The third was that each of the orbs had what looked like a light-projecting clock on their midsections. And they were all five seconds from zero...
I have to get out here.
Four...
Can't destroy them in time...
Three...
Need another escape...
Two...
Celestia's horn began to glow with the only spell she could think of. Come on, hurry, please...
One...
Got to-
----------
Luna's eyes widened as she saw the explosion. It burnt through the sky like a second sun, shaking everything for miles around before finally dissipating in a rain of ashes and debris. Her eyes struggled for some sign of her sister, but even with the most powerful magicks augmenting her vision, she could find nothing. She couldn't even sense her anymore.
In an instant, Luna's entire world crumbled around her. The Alicorn tumbled to the ground, her head barely able to look over the edge of the parapet, as her strength seemed to vanish. Hot tears began to pool under her eyes. “Sister...what have I done? How could I have...?”
“Excuse me?”
Despite her grief, Luna slowly turned around...and gasped as she saw the sight before her. Standing next to her was another being, similar to Luthor but built differently. She couldn't tell quite what it was, but she could feel a great deal of power and strength in this being. Or perhaps his red-and-blue costume was just so gaudy that he seemed more comical than a serious threat. In any case, she could barely muster more than a squeak as she continued to speak.
“I'm sorry to interrupt, but I'm looking for a man named Lex Luthor...”
TO BE CONTINUED...
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I still rerember the last time Supes lost his shit...
This story is silly, and needs to continue, if for no other reason than lines such as "Wait...this was about the cake?".
Oh man Luthor is gonna get his butt kicked again.
Oh goodie, an update! I have been so patient! Anyhow nice work on this chapter, I practically lolled with nearly every paragraph, for each one of them have interesting choice of words to describe the situation. Like one of my favorite quotes so far
And the scene with Celestia guiding the missile while civilians keeps getting in the way really reminds me of that one scene from the Adam West Batman movie
Anyhow, great update man! Keep up the good work
Superman + Celestia? The Sun plus the invincible hero who literally lives off the sun's rays.... WELP You're dead Luthor. It's the rock or the hoof and their both hard places.
Probably.
Now that Supes is here? Eh...50% chance he escapes.
Man, I am bouncing left and right between what kind of Luthor I'm imagining. Mostly I'm thinking of the one from All Star Superman, though Kevin Spacy's take is fun.
A LOT of minor spelling and word choice errors. Really could've used another once over before publishing as it detracts a bit. Other then that though this is wonderfully fun. Love the story you're telling here. Striking all the right dramatic, funny, and bad ass chords repeatedly so nicely. Overall very good work and quite anxious to read more! Thanks for sharing.
Also if you want someone to help you look over stuff before publishing I would volunteer my services. Have done that a lot for other non-MLP fics.
Luthor... that was a really bad idea. I imagine Luna's gonna want some words with you.
Use the new 52 version of Supes. Please :D
cdn.onelargeprawn.co.za/wp-content/uploads/2010/11/clever-girl.jpg
That's a LONG earthquake.
Guess what Lex, there is another one out there.
Superman is in da house. Obligatory dis gun b gud.
EDIT: This site needs more stories where Celestia is a total badass.
I'm guessing you meant "yards", but the idea that it could strike the ground so hard as to cause a tremor that lasted for 5 decades is rather amusing.
Then we find out (rather tragically) that Celetia's mane's green ethereal-ness is diluted kryptonite floating in the air...
2006567 Wouldn't it be a century? Now +/- 50?
A lot of fun so far. I like the way that you're portraying Celestia's poor understading of advan-cedtechnology withot making her seem stuid or helpless. Though I must admit that I think that Celestia may have originally been more willing to negotiate with Luthor. She didn't know how bad he was at the time and she may have gotten something of benefit to her citizens.
Celestia is a badass in this fic, and I love it.
She'd better not be dead, else Luthor's gonna have a legion of BattleMechs storming his door.
Ahahahahaha!
Brilliant! Not only is this hilarious, but is actually one of the few times in a pony fanfic Celestia has actually gotten to go and kick arse! And more than that, you're actually making it even fight, which is itself a rarity in fanfiction (and most other fiction, these days!)
Keep up the good work, looking forward to the next chapter!
When I was reading this, Celestia stole my cake. And that is terrible
Should be "her power"
Okay, so you have Superman, a vengeful dark god straight out of the middle ages, and what is, by now, likely to be a rather ticked off Solar deity.
All after Luthor.
I'mma need some popcorn, cos dis gun be _good_.
Glad he's there but I wanted to say GO SUPERTIA!
Anyway MOAR! 
Viking hooves would be too young to fight Superman :( but DJ PON3 has her bass cannon so all be safe!
Okay this is epically silly and hilarious. You had me giggling non stop while reading it. Thanks.
This fic is great. More people need to portray Celestia as a badass. I mean, she controls the fucking sun.
I know this story is likely barely on your list of things to write but I really hope you get back to it at some point. It's a hell of a lot of fun.
One of these days a character in a story will try the old "reflect laser with mirror" trick and it won't work and they're think, "No! TV and pop culture, you have failed me..."
But you see, now, I figure if old Lex did get blasted with the rainbow of friendship, maybe that would finally get him off the DC revolving door of villainhood. Not like sending him "blasting off again" has solved anything over the last fifty or sixty years. Anyhooow, this is one reader still amused by the War of Forty Cakes.
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Since when was Superman a vengeful dark god straight out of the middle ages?
You misunderstand. Superman and the vengeful dark god straight out of the middle ages are not one and the same. Put simply; that line reads "You have Superman, Luna, and Celestia". But that doesn't have quite the same impact behind it, does it?
I do hope this finishes some day
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I'm working on it.
You should totally continue this. It's like, the best funny-premise story I have ever read.
Alas, i can only favorite this once...
How can this be this corny and this amazing at the same time?
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Isn't that how comics usual are/were? I love it!
So many funny conversation pieces!
2000377
I kept expecting Luther to just have it self-destruct.
2006567
like being knocked into next week.
Some of these, maybe? All of these?
-points- That way.
2000377 Heh. I was reminded of that Adam West Scene as well.