Self sure in ability or supremely stupid.
War has descended upon Equestria and the Bearers of the Elements have been defeated. In a final act of desperation Twilight Sparkle uses long forbidden magic to summon an unwilling participant from another world to turn the tide.
Her reluctant new ally may have deeper ties to the conflict than anyone might have imagined but could a man with a death wish hold the key to victory?
Page generated in 0.109 seconds
Total duration
871 users online
455,030 hits today, 2,244,100 yesterday
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
Finally! I've been at this for a while and had planned to have it up on Veteran's Day it didn't work out.
First chapter is a little bit slow but if you bear with it, it foreshadows what's to come with some of the smaller details.
Looking forward to some feedback on my first submission here!
Enjoy!
Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
Hell, it's worth a shot. Downloaded to my kindle. I'll come back when I'm done.
Ho-ly-shit I almost forgot.
iambrony.jsmart.web.id/mlp/gif/my-little-pony-friendship-is-magic-brony-first.gif?1342342797
images.wikia.com/dragonage/images/2/2a/Anchorman-well-that-escalated-quickly.jpg
OK!
Here we go.
So, not the worst story idea, and it wasn't that bad, especially if it was your first.
The problem here was actually the pacing. It went way, way, WAY too quickly; this story could easily be three times longer than this and still be a good story.
Next time, I would advise you to not rush as much; try and make each chapter at least 2000 words.
1629551 Thanks for the feedback!
I had planned to make it longer especially once they had gotten into the forest but I don't get a whole lot of free time with work so I cut a lot of material. (Got tired of it being unfinished) >.>
I've been considering writing some short stories chronicling what happened to Zecora, the crusaders, Celestia, and Twilight up to the point this story takes place to make up for it.
Thanks again!
Whew, so I reread this, bit of a train wreck...
Lacking in a lot of detail and dialogue/plot could stand to be cleaned up a lot, don't know if I'll ever get around to that.
Big difference between this fic and my other is after probably the first chapter or so this really felt like a chore to finish and I got fed up and pushed it through to just get it out of my face.
On the bright side it was a good learning experience for me, I changed up my style and I feel I improved a great deal on Counting Apples.
So anything I write in the future I'll be using this as lesson learned so that the story will be of the highest possible quality.
All I have to say is...
DAAAAAAAAYYYUMMM, SON!
I won't say if that is good or bad, because I honestly couldn't tell you. Take it as you will.
This could be just me, but I don't see Discord as the type to physically harm anything except the laws of reality. You make him too much of a sadistic genocidal bastard. Discord from the show was a harmless mentally insane trickster with the powers of a god. He would not do those things.
1747975 I'll take it both ways. I feel like the story had potential and there were some good concepts but it definitely could have been executed better. I could have done a lot more to flesh out some of the scenes and make them more descriptive and clean up the dialogue. I could have made ideas and themes a lot smoother and the whole thing is a bit rushed.
I agree that Discord would never actually do any of those things and this should probably have an alternate universe tag. For this story I wanted to take his sense of humor and couple it with a sadistic thirst for revenge making it a dark world where even nature cowered in the presence of his insanity. No chocolate rain and cotton candy clouds or harmless shenanigans like he would typically produce.
I appreciate the feedback though, I'm definitely working on improving so any criticism you have to offer is helpful
1628734
Hate to break it to you, but in my opinion the first chapter was BY FAR the best in this story. The other chapters were father lame and extremely rushed.
1748322 Thanks again, I'll definitely be more diligent in the future.
1752317
This is me telling you my opinion on your story for productive reasons. Sorry if I soulded like a complete dick.
1753280 lol no worries, I agree with ya to some extent. I'm an adult, I can handle criticism. I like getting an honest opinion.
1753315
Regardless if it's an honest opinion or not, I still don't want to sound like a dick.
1753466 you're good man, too many people get butt hurt when they get an honest opinion. Now if you'd have just said the story sucked without offering any explanation, that would be a different story.
1753548
Eeyup.
1629801 Did you cut something about Twilight learning her friends skills, the ones Discord tested her with? Cause I'm fairly certain about that, but it felt like you decided to go in a different direction and ignored all her new and very awesome skills.
Anyway good story, not the best but it kept me interested and showed me a much darker Discord then I've seen before.
Interesting story,
enjoyed reading it (exept 5. chapter -> that was pretty hardcore- mby i bit too much for mlp), though it left many questions unanswered.