The Harmony War

by Ten Speed

Chapter 9: Revelations

With a blinding light he evaporated. Before he could finish speaking he was gone. I never got a name for the strange man from another world but he'd willingly given himself for all of us. I didn't believe it at first but he truly was worthy to wield the elements and I see that now. As I looked around the room, the gloom that had shrouded every corner of it before had dissipated and for the first time since our world was plunged into chaos, everything seemed to beam with the colors of life.

Then something caught my eye. A frail scrap of paper lay on the ground where he had last stood. It was the letter. The one possession he clung to to remind him of his daughter. All the colors were gone from it and only the words that were written remained. Long forgotten feelings of joy and happiness filled my heart for the first time but also a deep sorrow for that man that gave us everything. I blinked away the tears forming in my eyes, it was bitter sweet.

“Twilight Sparkle,” called a comforting and majestic voice. My ears perked up as I turned around. To my amazement, Princess Celestia stood there proud and regal as ever. All of my friends there with her, a part of me still didn't believe I'd ever seen them again but just as real as the air in my lungs, there they all were. My heart fluttered and my legs trembled in exhilaration. The fervor was nearly uncontrollable.

“See I told you she was just being an egghead somewhere,” Rainbow said trying to mask her genuine concern with a nervous smile.

“Y'all 'right sugarcube?” Applejack asked with concern. “We've been searching fer ya fer four whole days!”

Four days! Its been four years!

“We were terrified when you went missing,” Fluttershy added in her sweet shy tone.

“She was missing?” Pinkie Pie asked quizzically before she returned to bouncing gleefully. “I thought we were playing hide and seek! You're good Twilight!” she snorted as she giggled.

“Darling you look simply awful, like you haven't slept or showered for day! You simply must let me treat you to the spa. Perhaps after you've gotten some rest?” Rarity inquired.

A smile of relief crept onto my face as my eyes began to water, “I'm sorry everypony, I never meant to worry you all so.” They would never know, they could never know. They were here and that's all that mattered. I let all the memories of our friendship fill and spill over my thoughts as my heart brimmed and swelled with my love for them all. I could ask nor want for anything more.

“Twilight,” the Princess' warm, soothing voice came again demanding my attention, “You know this section of the library is off limits to all ponies.” She smiled kindly.

“I know Princess,” I smiled shyly. “I learned something wonderful about friendship today...”

Comments

[Ten Speed]

Finally! I've been at this for a while and had planned to have it up on Veteran's Day it didn't work out.

First chapter is a little bit slow but if you bear with it, it foreshadows what's to come with some of the smaller details.
Looking forward to some feedback on my first submission here!

Enjoy!

[mcb893]

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Hell, it's worth a shot. Downloaded to my kindle. I'll come back when I'm done.

[mcb893]

Ho-ly-shit I almost forgot.

iambrony.jsmart.web.id/mlp/gif/my-little-pony-friendship-is-magic-brony-first.gif?1342342797

[mcb893]

OK!

Here we go.

So, not the worst story idea, and it wasn't that bad, especially if it was your first.

The problem here was actually the pacing. It went way, way, WAY too quickly; this story could easily be three times longer than this and still be a good story.

Next time, I would advise you to not rush as much; try and make each chapter at least 2000 words.

[Ten Speed]

1629551 Thanks for the feedback!

I had planned to make it longer especially once they had gotten into the forest but I don't get a whole lot of free time with work so I cut a lot of material. (Got tired of it being unfinished) >.>

I've been considering writing some short stories chronicling what happened to Zecora, the crusaders, Celestia, and Twilight up to the point this story takes place to make up for it.

Thanks again!

[Ten Speed]

Whew, so I reread this, bit of a train wreck...

Lacking in a lot of detail and dialogue/plot could stand to be cleaned up a lot, don't know if I'll ever get around to that.

Big difference between this fic and my other is after probably the first chapter or so this really felt like a chore to finish and I got fed up and pushed it through to just get it out of my face.

On the bright side it was a good learning experience for me, I changed up my style and I feel I improved a great deal on Counting Apples.

So anything I write in the future I'll be using this as lesson learned so that the story will be of the highest possible quality.

[Ten Speed]

1747975 I'll take it both ways. I feel like the story had potential and there were some good concepts but it definitely could have been executed better. I could have done a lot more to flesh out some of the scenes and make them more descriptive and clean up the dialogue. I could have made ideas and themes a lot smoother and the whole thing is a bit rushed.

I agree that Discord would never actually do any of those things and this should probably have an alternate universe tag. For this story I wanted to take his sense of humor and couple it with a sadistic thirst for revenge making it a dark world where even nature cowered in the presence of his insanity. No chocolate rain and cotton candy clouds or harmless shenanigans like he would typically produce.

I appreciate the feedback though, I'm definitely working on improving so any criticism you have to offer is helpful

[the monkey ninja]

1628734
Hate to break it to you, but in my opinion the first chapter was BY FAR the best in this story. The other chapters were father lame and extremely rushed.

[Ten Speed]

1748322 Thanks again, I'll definitely be more diligent in the future.

[the monkey ninja]

1752317
This is me telling you my opinion on your story for productive reasons. Sorry if I soulded like a complete dick.

[Ten Speed]

1753280 lol no worries, I agree with ya to some extent. I'm an adult, I can handle criticism. I like getting an honest opinion.

[the monkey ninja]

1753315
Regardless if it's an honest opinion or not, I still don't want to sound like a dick.

[Ten Speed]

1753466 you're good man, too many people get butt hurt when they get an honest opinion. Now if you'd have just said the story sucked without offering any explanation, that would be a different story.

[the monkey ninja]

1753548
Eeyup.

[Th3 Torx]

1629801 Did you cut something about Twilight learning her friends skills, the ones Discord tested her with? Cause I'm fairly certain about that, but it felt like you decided to go in a different direction and ignored all her new and very awesome skills.

Anyway good story, not the best but it kept me interested and showed me a much darker Discord then I've seen before.

[Horusa]

Interesting story,
enjoyed reading it (exept 5. chapter -> that was pretty hardcore- mby i bit too much for mlp), though it left many questions unanswered.