So it is another day in Ponyville. The sun is shining, Rainbow Dash has the day off, and she happens to be lookin for a bit of fun. But when all her friends turn her down, she cant help but feel a bit downhearted. Deciding finally to take a nap she wishes she and her friends could go somewhere for a vacation. To get away from boring old Ponyville! What would she find in her dreams?
A slight edit to the description not sure if its enough though. It is more a different pairing story, so expect different love birds to float around. Hope you spot a couple you like.
This is pretty much all off the top of my head for this fic, so I do hope you enjoy it.
So pull up a chair, grab some tea, and put on your best Cheshire grin. Its time I tell you a story.
Let's clean up this description, eh? It's to tell people about the story, not blather on about non-story stuff.
First off, very informal. You shouldn't be so loose in your description; it makes you look very unprofessional. You should also never assume people know what crossover you're talking about; in some cases like a well-known children's story you might get away with it. but in a lot of cases people overestimate the popularity of the subject they're crossing over with and leave most lost.
I don't mean to be rude, but I don't care. I don't give a single fuck if you like the live-action movie more than the Disney animation. I don't give a fuck if you liked it when you were younger. Tell me about your story, not your life. If you must, put all of this background stuff in an author's note, but not in the description.
Alright, finally. Ponies go to Wonderland. Simple enough. Now, I see five tags up there, Mr. Author. Five. Tags are for major elements of the story, and you usually have two or three that outline the story's tone. Is it a simple adventure? A lighthearted adventure with comedic elements? An epic adventure that explores the budding relationship between Applejack and Rainbow Dash? Tags Like Human and AU then serve to further refine searches. Unless your story focuses on both comedy and romance very strongly (as in it's the major part of the story; a bit of shipping and a few jokes don't make a Romance or a Comedy) you shouldn't have those tags, and I don't see why you tagged Random at all. Random stories are, I quote, "...a sub-tag of Comedy. It's for stories that are rather incoherent or random, if you will." I don't think it's a very appropriate tag.
It's heroines, not heroin's.
Again: I don't give a fuck. If you want a proofreader, ask about one in the comments section. I do suggest getting a proofreader, because no matter how good you are you will make mistakes and you will miss some of them.
...what? Why would telling us that the start of the story takes place during an unremarkable day be a spoiler? Why did you bother telling me this?
Right, I haven't even read this thing yet. Well, here goes...
I won't elaborate on the problems with the description as the gentleman before me took care of it already, but I will make a brief comment on the first chapter of your story.
I won't go too in-depth considering that I'm on my phone right now, but I will say that the general tone of the first chapter seemed to be somewhat forced at points. Comedy is not meant to be given such a great effort, otherwise the result is often disastrous or awkward. As my acting teacher once told me, jokes are meant to be played completely straight.
Also, never use ellipses. They can be used once or twice to create a pause in a character's dialogue, but never use them in your actual narrative. It just ends up looking seriously sloppy.
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Achilles. Love the name. Does it really seemed forced? I really wasn't trying to make it seem that way. I suppose being gone so long from typing out stories I am a hint rusty. Plus it is my first Pony fic so I am sorta having trouble getting the characters just right, seeing as watching them on television or youtube is far different from typing them out. Seen plenty of fic's where people get the character wrong and the comments just flood with how wrong they are.
I will make a quick edit to the ellipse problem though. Thank you for your comment. :)
1609686 Thank you for your comment too Andrew.
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Naw, thanks!
Honestly, a little. However, comedy is really hard to pull off right, especially if you're still grasping at the characters. Just take it in stride and play with it. See where it takes you. Practice a little. Stuff like that. I remember my first pony fic and dude it was so bad that I didn't even publish it. :L
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I live to serve.
1612903 Oh pssh! I bet it would have been awesome. Btw made revisions to chapter one already and have begun work on chapter 2. You wouldnt happen to know anyone looking to proofread stuff would you?
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I just joined a little bit ago, but I believe that there might be a group on the site that caters to people in need of editing. I think. :u
1612995 Oh I suppose I will have to just go looking then! After a quick run down in my chapters I made a good number of edits and took out plenty of the ellipses and added a few more words here and there or fixed up a few. So I do hope it seems cleaner for anyone else who comes to view it. -last reply for the time being seeing as I must be off doing something-
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You're looking for Proofreaders and People Willing to Proofread.
1613390 Oh my god thank you Andrew.
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