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The Last Mare

What you see and what you believe will never be the same. And be wary when creating your world. Flawlessness can be it's downfall.
This is my first story, so I would appreciate constructive criticism.

Chapters (1)

Comments ( 5 )

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Eakin

Eakin #1 · Nov 8th, 2012 · · ·

You can't bare witness. You can BEAR witness. though

EDIT: You gotta proofread. Some of your sentences just... aren't. "Here face"? "And if this was an attempt to lie to herself."? "Everything they ever need or wanted"? "gave them more that reason"? You have a bunch of cases where your verbs switch tenses mid-sentence.

Even beyond the grammar stuff, it's only just OK. You'd need to flesh this out a lot to make it anything more than forgettable

tastetheRainbowDash

tastetheRainbowDash #2 · Nov 8th, 2012 · · ·

I would highly suggest getting an editor, but other than that, I see reason in your story. And dialogue can do wonders. Really, it can. But if you ignore the grammar, it's overly pretty good.And I'm guessing that the mare was Queen Faust. Am I right?
ladygeekgirl.files.wordpress.com/2012/02/my-little-pony-friendship-is-magic-brony-queen-faust.jpg

StormyVenture

StormyVenture #3 · Nov 8th, 2012 · · ·

This is extremely vague, you should try to convey at least some details about what's going on, what period of time this is in, etc.

MixedScales

MixedScales #4 · Nov 8th, 2012 · · ·

1581169 That really hurts to read these kinds of comments you know! But how else will I learn, so thanks. I'm thinking of rewriting this so lets just say I was testing the water :P

1581238 Thank you, I'll see if I can't pester my sister into proofreading it. And as for the Alicorn, I'm going to leave that up to your imagination ;)

EDIT: And what do you mean about dialogue? do you mean speech or narrative?

1581436 I intended it to be vague, but I guess it's a bit too vague. I'll be sure to fix that next time around. Thanks!

tastetheRainbowDash