The End (or, in other words, the second half and epilogue of the fanfic)
Ponydox x Octavia part 2
“W-well, Octavia... the truth is... I... I love you! I can't hide that anymore, I realize that now! I've loved you ever since the first time I laid my eyes on you. You are just so beautiful, so sweet, so talented... all of the things that I'm not. I never would have expected that I would have gotten to even spend a day like this with you. At first, I half expected that you would turn me down, but... but you didn't! I was amazed that you would even spend time with someone like me. I'm not like any of your other friends that you spend time with, and yet... you saw something in me to trust me and spend the evening with me. And, during that time, it seems that I've fallen even more in love with you... Wow, just look at me say these things! You must hate me now, don't you? *sighs* I... I guess I'll leave now...”
Tears started running down Ponydox’s face as he walked away. He figured she wouldn’t notice because of the rain, but at this point, he didn’t care either. In his mind, all hope was lost. She was the perfect mare! There is no pony in Equestria that can match the inner and outer beauty of Octavia! I’m going to die alone because I wasn’t man enough for Octavia… How could I even think I had a chance with her?
Just when Ponydox was at his lowest, he felt somepony tap him on the back. When he turned around, he saw Octavia with the most incredible smile he’s even seen. “Didn’t you know it’s rude not to walk a lady home?” Before Ponydox could react, Octavia lunged at him and gave him a big, damp kiss. “And didn’t you know it’s rude not to let a lady respond? Now let me tell you my feelings.”
What in the name of Celestia just happened? Thought Ponydox. Did I just die and go to heaven? Am I dreaming?
“Of all the stallions I’ve dated, and I’ve dated quite a few, I have never in my days met someone as unrefined as you. You could never survive the high society socializing here in Canterlot. Every guy I’ve been with has always been ‘refined’, but also snobbish, self-centered, and arrogant. I never wanted to believe it at the time, but each stallion I’ve been with was only dating me as a status symbol. Sure they would treat me like a lady in public, but I was always ignored when we were alone. This is why I detest the ‘sophisticated’ life style, and that is why I moved in with Vinyl Scratch in Ponyville.”
Ponydox was still in denial. He didn’t believe what his senses were telling him. His eyes were saying that Octavia has a look of love on him. He didn’t believe that. His ears were telling him that Octavia was never treated well. He couldn’t believe that. His nose was telling him that he could smell the pheromones Octavia was giving off was love. He wouldn’t believe that. The nerves in his lips were telling him that Octavia just kissed him passionately. He refused to believe that, and yet, there she was.
“Because I was treated selfishly by my previous boyfriends, I told myself I would never date ever again. Then that fateful day when you asked me on this date, I knew right away something was different about you. My instincts were right, even if I didn’t give you a chance in the beginning.”
She didn’t give me a chance??
“So this is what I think about you. You are unrefined, but you are also kind, funny, intelligent, genuine, and understanding. I don’t know your social class, but I don’t even care because what you’ve shown me today is something I thought never existed in stallions. Being a true gentleman! You stood up for me at the restaurant, you were willing to go on an adventure, and you saved us by pulling off that stunt back at the castle. If that’s not being a gentleman, I don’t know what is! And let me tell you something Ponydox, I love true gentlemen, and you are the only one I’ve ever met.”
Octavia once again went in for the kiss, and the two of them lock lips for a whole minute before letting go. For those 60 seconds, it literally felt like Ponydox was floating on a cloud. Her slightly damp lips perfectly slide between his own. Dox knew that she had more experience than him, so he tried to keep up by moving his lips as well. Octavia used the tip of her tongue to touch his lower lip. She then slid her tongue left to right across his lip in a very sensitive way. Ponydox’s mind was blown at how this felt. All the doubts in his mind about this not being real were gone. Not even in my wildest dreams can this feel this good. Octavia then used her mouth to suck in the lower lip of Ponydox. Once his lip was in her grasp, she very lightly squeezed her teeth around it, and started to lick it even more. Wow… maybe later I can use this on her. I hope copying her is okay… To finish the kiss, Octavia cocked her head back a little to look into the eyes of Ponydox, then she gave him a 5 second peck to the lips.
The two love birds stared at each other for another whole minute. Both of them cemented this moment in their minds through smiling, hugging, and holding hooves. Finally Octavia broke the silence, “Sooo… are you going to walk me home or what?”
Ponydox replied, “Of course I’m going to walk you home, but it’s the ‘or what’ part that I’m wondering about.” Both Dox and Tavi laughed at his comment, and he proceeded to take the love of his life back to Ponyville.”
Epilogue
“… Happy birthday dear Viola! Happy birthday to you! Yay!” Ponydox and Octavia sang together to their daughter Viola who just turned one. Viola has a unicorn horn, but looks very similar to Octavia as time has gone by.
“I’m glad she’s a unicorn, because it would be very hard for a pony to play this violin without magic!” Octavia gave Viola her present. Of course, she won’t be able to play it until she can use a special levitating spell, but Octavia thinks it’s never too early to start being around music.
“It’s just what she wanted, I bet you anything.” Said Ponydox just as Viola was toying with it.
“Thanks, I think so too, but I think I got some inspiration by our other child.” said Octavia, pointing to her pregnant belly.
“You really think she spoke to you huh?”
“I do! Mothers have intuition that fathers can’t understand.”
“Right… so what are we going to call him? Tuba? Xylophone?”
Knowing he was joking, Octavia lightly punched Ponydox in the shoulder. “I have no idea, but I think she is going to be a singer! That’s why I could hear her that one time!”
Ponydox smiled. “You know what, that reminds me. I’ll be right back.” Dox left the room for a moment and came back with a wrapped gift. “I know our second anniversary isn’t until next week, but I wanted to give this to you now.”
Octavia grabbed the gift, opened it up, and saw what was inside.
“Oh… oh my! How did you find this?” said Octavia, instantly recognizing the present.
“It took me forever to track this down. I thought they would have thrown this away, but thankfully Canterlot castle archives these kinds of things.”
“This is the ticket I used for the two of us to enter Canterlot Castle… The night we got away from the guards and fell in love… Ha… it seems so long ago but I can remember it like it was yesterday!”
“Me too, Octavia. I’ll never forget that night that I thought I lost you when I confessed my love. You were the only Mare for me in the whole world, I don’t know where I’d be if you didn’t catch up to me.”
Octavia sarcastically commented, “Eh, I figured you were worth giving a second chance.”
Both of them chuckled at her joke, just as Viola started to cry. Ponydox picked her up on his back to get her to stop. Once she calmed down, Ponydox caught Octavia staring at him. Dox then said, “Is there a problem?”
Octavia walked up to him and said, “Yes there is. I think I love you too much!” She then pecked him on the lips and hugged him, after which Ponydox said, “Well, it looks like we both have that problem!”
I hoped you all liked it! I had fun working with Pwny on it! I know he had fun, too!
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Please make the blatant OC X Octavia story less obvious. You might even get some more readers. However, seeing a story with the title 'GenericOC X PopularMare' doesn't bode well for the rest of the story. If you don't have the creativity to write a good title, how can I or anyone else expect you to be creative with your writing?
Secondly, giving your OC a non-Equestrian name won't make you many friends either. Look at the following list:
Rainbow Dash
Fluttershy
Twilight Sparkle
Princess Celestia
Roseluck
Cloud Chaser
Ponydox
Which is the odd one out? Your OC's name is basically the same as having someone, me for example, named 'Humandox'. "Hello Mr. Cameron, I'm Humandox. Pleased to meet you." Seriously, put some effort into your story and the readers will reward you. I'm assuming you want readers because you've posted this on a public, story-sharing site rather than circlejerking it with your mate. If you want the advice of an accomplished author, I'd strongly suggest changing the title, description, chapter names and adding some form of cover art.
~Sierra/Quantum, TWE's Destroyer of Words dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Spitfire_rape.png
Alright then. Let me see.
The Title:
Wow, obvious much? Please, make it more imaginative, same goes for your chapter names.
One speaker a paragraph, every time someone else speaks hit the enter key twice.
Your OC... why don't you have a normal name?
*Don't describe things with those asht...ast... those star things. Actually spell out what's happening.*
You're rather familiar...
1659828 It's a crying shame.
1659842
Indeed.
Author, I am disappoint. I mean, really? Is that the best title you could come up with? "Ponydox x Octavia"? Not only does it scream self-insert, but it also screams complete lack of creativity.
1659851
I think this and My Lil Vinyl showed us his level of creativity.
1659851 Which is reiterated in "My Lil' Vinyl".
Please add that to "Fallout Zone".
No thank you
1659861
"The Fallout Zone" is reserved for stories that have either led to an author ban (mrhappyface, though we simply picked one of his stories as representative of his mess of... trash) or a mod coming in and wiping the comments. "Return of the changeling's," for example, has been wiped three times. However, it is now unpublished, so we cannot add it to any folders, which makes me sad.
TWE's Scribblestick here... know what, I've been staring at a computer screen for far too long as it is, so I'll keep this short.
This is interesting because I once wrote a story based on a chatlog. Well, technically, it was four friends and I passing notes/RPing in the middle of class, but it's basically the same idea. Here's the thing - a script ("The Beginning") is not the same as a story. A script is just dialogue with maybe the barest description and narration thrown in, and each of the three is kept pretty much separate from the others. ("Here's a bunch of dialogue." Okay, now we're doing to do some narration. "Okay, now we're back to diaolgue.") A story should balance and blend the three as much as possible. ("Here's some dialogue," said the mystical narration.) That's not to say that a script doesn't tell a story (it does, or should), but it's not the same.
So, when I decided to convert my hodgepodge script/note-passing/RP/whatever into a story, I added and blended those other elements. Try doing that with "The Beginning." As others have noted, scripts and chat-format stories aren't permitted, but more importantly, it's just not the same. I find it hard to be interested in a story when the author him/herself clearly notes that the actual story doesn't start until chapter 2.
That's it from me. Time to go do something productive. Or watch more YouTube and eat microwave burritos. Pinnacle of health and fitness, I am.
~Scribblestick, TWE's notoriously friendly moderator
1659861 The Fallout Zone is reserved for nuked comments and banned authors. The completely lost causes, as it were.
Actually... I should see about getting "The Brothel" moved from Bad Trollfics into there now that brutalassmaster bit the dust.
Also, congrats on being the... second or third? person I've followed based almost solely on the entertainment value of your comments and blog posts.
The tragedy? I can't even bemoan this guy as being a fallen Featured author... because of the story they were featured FOR being subpar as well.
1659916
That's a thought.
1659916 Aw, thanks. I also write stories, you know...
1659876 Mrhappyface was a god, excuse me good sir or madam.
1660028
Mrhappyface was a God that not many wished to follow beyond what kind of crazy shit he could come up with next :V.
1660190 A GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOODUH
1660195
*A witty line about Gods and lies.*
1660204 *trite chuckle*
Okay, my suspicions are confirmed. This guy only knows how to write tripe.
1660598 And get featured for it... ugh.
1660741 Ah, yes. The feature box needs a major overhaul, methinks.
You may have won the feature box with your other mediocre fic, but this time we can hate you and have the downvote ratio to back it up. Yay for tangible evidence! Congrats!
Also, I'm very sure the mods made it very clear that RPs and script-format/chat-logs are not allowed. So double congratulations!
Oh wait...what's this? Your username is the same as your OC, which indicates a blatant self-insert? Yay! You get three congratulations!
Oh look, I've resorted to sarcasm to get my point across. That means I'm super angry. So...good job, mate.
1660741 I'm considering making a gif showing people what it would be like for first time users to visit as of late. it will involve flaming trains and seas of clop.
1662947 DO IT.
1659859
Yeah, MLV deserved to be downvoted to all hell.
1659859
LEAVE HIM ALONY OR ELSE
1678032
Alony?
Anyhow I'm going to give you a laydown...
You had a rip off of a mediocre story, with a main character who was cardboard like, and wall of text formatting. The easy copout for any writer is to base it off another fanfic. Trust me: I have a couple of those type fics floating around on dA.
OK OK JUST DONT GO TO HARD ON HIM PLEASE