I am writing this more or less because I cannot find any heartwrenching, tearjerking, cliffhanging, or any other similar story that is considered epic. Hope you bronies and pegasisters like this spontaneous story that will go on until I get bored with it.
Resonance. A long off memory drifts through her mind, something she feels as though she should remember yet she cannot summon it. Her life has been like this for as long as she could remember. No pony cares about her, that is until Twilight Sparkle and friends. Will she be able to remember who she was or what her cutie mark represents?
Chapters (1)
Hello! Just your friendly cityscape pony-klaxon hybrid Axôlú
First off, did you get someone to edit this? I see some errors up front.
This fic is already off the front page, so I don't think it'll be too damaging if I post my review here like this.
Here you repeat small. There are quite a few words for small so it doesn't sound repetative. What I think you're trying to say isn't 'small yet reassuring light that the world did exist' but more like 'a small light, reassuring her that the world did exist'
also, 'it' isn't a good phrase to describe anything.
Next paragraph!
Hey look, you repeat 'small' again. Read that first sentence to yourself. The second part needs a verb.
She hear, or She heard? And was it 'as if' someone were bored and pacing, or was somepony actually bored and pacing?
after 'speak' you say 'at the moment'. This phrase immediately removes the impact of the prior statement. I suggest cutting 'at the moment' completely. Not remembering how to speak is a pretty big deal, just so you know. Anything that comes after it just weakens that problem.
Onwards to the third paragraph!
Comma between 'herself' and 'but'. and what is 'it'? 'something else about herself' is still a pretty vague 'it', which I recommend expanding on. And a quick set of questions. Does Applejack have a last name? Does Rarity have a last name (some speculate belle, but w/e)? What about Celestia or Luna? Why does Resonance have to have a name other than her first?
I think you mean 'down' when you say 'town'.
that last phrase, 'adding to the puddle that had already collected there.' just sounds awkward.
A fourth paragraph awaits...
For not remembering how to speak, that's a pretty clear word. Does she even remeber words at all? You seem to think so, but I could see this being far more tragic if she forgot that too. You can expand upon her wanting somepony to hear her. I can tell, just from that one sentence, starting with 'maybe', that Resonance is lonely. Expand on that.
The last phrase there sounds awkward too, and you should cut it. Replace it with your expansion on her apparent lonliness.
Five! Still alive!
Mmm, the only real problem here is replacing the 'the' before stallion with 'a'. But if Resonance can't remember what a stallion looks like, why not... DESCRIBE... the creature before her in its entirety.
Not six of this yet.
Once again, if you're using Resonance as the frame of reference, then how would she know if it's a curse through a lack of memory? Once again, losing one's memories is sad and bothersome, but losing an entire language? Ouch.
You suffered from a confusion of 'there' vs 'their', there. 'their' is possessive. 'there' indicates place. 'they're' implies an assigned value, since the conjunction is 'they' and 'are'
You're missing a word between 'best' and 'it seemed'... the phrase just sounds... incomplete. And why would seemingly unfriendly stallions make her feel comfortable?
Seven means we're in editing heaven!
Not friendly, eh? That first phrase turns over the last sentence of the previous paragraph.
Try adding a comma between 'friend' and 'here'
*sigh* I guess you still want her to retain her language. Your impact-based loss.
'began to lead the way' could be shortened to 'lead the way', and still have the phrase make sense without word clutter.
No need to say 'itself' after 'the dungeon'. In fact, that entire phrase is filled with word clutter too.
Did it seem cold and dank to Resonance, or was it cold and dank to Resonance?
Paragraph eight, we're doing... alright.
You can cut the word 'before'.
Large columns? Any other description you want to add?
Find a better verb to describe how the windows were placed between each column.
I suggest putting 'seemed' before 'told a story' and adding a 'to' between the two.
You can say 'The sun peeked out, just behind the horizon to the east, signaling the start of a new day.'
'and the guards followed her closely' doesn't have the same impact as 'view, the guards following her every step.'
Nine, you're doing relatively fine, compared to some of the fics that I've read...
While this paragraph is absolutely fine, grammatically, I could see adding a description of the look on her face. Show her awe of the place, don't just tell us she was awestruck. I want to see featureness!
Ten. Nuff said.
Once again, more description. What is the guard feeling? does the gaurd have a certain look on his face? Is the guard pushing her towards the royal chamber? Is the guard lightly tapping her to remind her of that?
Eleven, halfway there!
after 'acted', add a comma.
You can cut 'to her to act like this' and still get the message across.
More amazing hallways? DESCRIBE them.
'had seen in the palace' is awkward. Why not say something about her seeing yet, then go back to the whole memory loss thing again, because that's a reoccuring theme.
And what did the doors look like? Describe.
Twelve is next.
While what the guard says is technically correct, it doesn't sound very guard like. Try something more formal, I mean, you see how those guards look in the show.
Hey, look at that, I was right. Lonely! So keep describing her lonliness, I've seen your previous work, I'm sure you can come up with something.
'who the pony was and if they were real' is bland. Try coming up with something more descriptive and maybe even enhanced?
Thirteen, let's see if you're as unlucky to get my reviews here...
I don't like that word 'questioned'. It's not a very descriptive or active word. Perhaps you want 'called' or 'muttered' or 'whispered'. Even asked wouldn't fit the situation.
'cascading waterfall of pink, blue, and green.' I LIKE IT!
You could cut the 'and were', and replace it with a comma.
Split the last sentence into two. The first part being her desire to hug, The second part being her hope for the return of her memories. Hey, why not have her go up and hug Celly anyway?
Fourteen. Catorse is the best number ever in any language. No exceptions.
'flashing a perfect set of teeth' isn't nearly as good as 'flashing a radiant beacon of care and whateversomethingelse [sic]'
And how the hay would Celly know about Resonance's memory loss?
Comma between 'you' and 'my little pony'
Furthermore, why did Celestia throw Resonance into the dungeon "Oh look, a lost soul. ONE MILLION YEARS! DUNGEON!"
Fifteen!... I got nuthin.
Soooo, she felt crestfallen... I want to see how she felt crestfallen. Now it's just
That second sentence almost sounds like something you'd find in 'Half Life, Full Life Consequences'. Fix it.
Why would she be in violation of any laws? Why would she even think that? And who said that? Celestia right?
Not Sixteen of this quite yet... meh, lame pun.
Just as a general note, try to find a way to remove as many 'was' 'were' 'be' 'being' etc. from your writing as possible. Change from passive voice to active. Tears FORMED in her eyes.
you can exchange 'and they blurred out her vision' to 'blurring her vision'
'Please don't kick me out'... 'kick me out'... That doesn't sound like someone with no memories just released from a prison.
Seventeen! That's today
'May I know your name' sounds wierd. That's all I have for this one.
Eighteen. That's how old I am. That's this paragraph.
Her name in Resonance. Take a look at that again. I think it sounds awesome, but it's grammatically incorrect.
'Resonance answered the question' No offense intended, but You Dont Say!
And she's sure speaking fluently for all her voice cracking and 'um'-ing.
Ninteen. Nearing the end!
I think Celly would say 'I am'.
Opening isn't as awesome a word as unfurled, or extended.
'seem to be larger than life' It's that 'be' again. Try to rephrase that.
'I'm and one of the rulers' Ummm.... What?
Her next phrase is rather unconcerned-sounding, considering Resonance has no memories and is effectively in breakdown mode.
Twenty. Because ten plus ten. And because ponies.
I suggest swapping the first and second parts of the first sentence here, such that 'A lavender unicorn walked out from a door to the right' etc.
Resonance was unsure? Show me that she was unsure. Have her back away, ears down, fear in her shrinking pupils.
The next phrases sound so telling. I require more feeling involved to satisfy my emotional needs.
Twenty one, one left. This is also the age one can legally drink.
Adding 'this is' after 'Resonance' sounds more compassionate and less ruler-esque.
Feet eh? Never heard of 'em.
Twenty two. Last paragraph.
Dress? Where does that come from?
Also, I suggest 'bowed', but whatever you want. Wait. How does she know to do anything like that? Surely she has no memory of how to act around a 'Princess'...
Okay, next paragra-
What? It ends there?
But sinceriously, your chapters need better endings, otherwise they sound incomplete.
PHEW. I just reviewed this entire thing, and I recommend a rewrite.
Lemee hit on a few of the major points.
One. Try to remove as many 'to be' verbs as you can.
B. Show, don't tell. Describe character movements and expressions too.
III. Make a better ending.
Lastly: I really, really think you should remove Resonance's memory of language. That idea has SO much potential, and is FAR more original that what you have going on here.
Anyway, good luck, and Ave,
Axôlú
1456403
Challenge accepted. Time to fix!
1456650 Challenge completed, congrats! Now for my next set of edits
You repeat 'head' in this sentence.
I'm not criticizing this sentence, rather, I'm very interested in it. The phrase matches sight and hearing together, meshing the two together. I'll leave it at 'this interests me', because I have no idea what to do with it, other than keep it.
This is when Celestia is hugged. You should make it just a bit more clear that Resonance can't remember anything.
You spelled Owlowiscious wrong!
Ears don't pick up, they perk up.
I want to note that you say 'Resonance' alot before she speaks her own name. I suggest that you avoid using her name until she actually says the whole thing, for effect. (starting on the next chapter).
The rest of the problems are comma based, and I'm not sufficiently tired to correct those atm.