Dinky, Derpy's daughter, has a dark secret, which Derpy will eventually find out, in an abrupt manner.
Chapters (1)
nicktaylor
Joined 28th Jun, 2012 ·
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- nicktaylor · 2.4k words · 13 7 · 1.1k views
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interesting... very original subversion of the trope. We shall see how you did.
edit: done reading now. it was... alright. What happened to the real dinky and why did changeling dinky get over being a changeling so fast.
Interesting...
My major complaint is that you could have fleshed-out the story a lot more. When Derpy asked Dinky to stay, supposedly the emotional climax of the story, there wasn't any impact that I was feeling at all. This is due possibly because I was just read about the Dinky replacement less than a minute before the "touching" scene. You pretty much glossed over the years of bonding between Derpy and changeling Dinky, which should be considered the bulk of the story.
And I wouldn't call each scene a chapter either.
What happen to Dinky?
It's as if you forgotten about the real Dinky. Right from the beginning, I was begging for a back story on why the Changeling queen want Dinky in the first place, and I only grown more agitated towards the end. No, not forgotten; I dare say that you purposely ignored the real Dinky.
But those issues are forgiven, since I believe that this is a rough outline for a more polished story that you'll be writing. With an fascinating idea like this, it deserves to be more.
Also, I find that being in engrossed in what I write helps give meat to the bone without feeling like I'm expending more effort.
1436289 Later on I think I'll write a longer, more detailed story. I only wrote this in a couple hours, cause I was bored and wanted to write something. I am working on another fic with someone else, which will take a real long time, but yeah, thanks for the feedback, I like the idea of this and might re-write it.
1436391 Like I said to Nima55, I only spent around 2 hours on this, but i see what you mean, and will give me something to work off of when/if (hopefully) I get the time to write a way more detailed story. Thanks for the feedback, it really helps.
i0.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/newsfeed/000/200/329/84054%20-%20Ditzy_Doo%20artist%253Aa8702131%20derpy_hooves%20derpy_hooves_approves.jpg?1321397813
Interesting concept, but poorly executed. You say that this was written in two hours - well, it shows. The grammar is poorly done, and despite being only 1500 words, it flows in a artificial manner. What could have been a single emotional scene bookended (perhaps with a few flashbacks tossed in from the perspective of both Derpy and Dinky) is instead the skeleton of what seems like a much larger story.
Wow, talk about your dark tales as this one explains a lot.
Nice job on the overall idea of the story.
Someday I hope for a sequel spotlighting other ponies reactions to the news.
nice story
1437325 Yeah, that's what happens when you try to write at 3:00 AM XD
1437502 I might get around to make a more detailed one, I actually like the concept of this.
1437201 XD thanks
1437606 Thanks, glad you like it :D
Wow, that's kinda...
Good job. All the mustaches for you!
Very good story... and intresting. I enjoyed to read
1438513 With the changelings. I didn't put much thought into this, I had just based it off of an idea i got from a friend. Wrote this from about 1:00 AM to 3:00 AM XD
1439684 I was thinkign about re-writing it.
rushed