I am just a typical brony who love the show and a Kingdom Hearts fan.
This story is about Sora, Riku, and Axel hanging out in Twilight Town. They are just relaxing and don't worry until someone or something appears. What will they do? And what might they find out? Warning: This is my first ever fic, so criticism is allowed and expected.
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.... Walls of text, eh?
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@Axel Nyan,
Ya you're right.
Lol.
1 new paragraph each time a new person talks
Use the term replied instead of said if the person is talking back
Show us what happend instead of telling like....the gang made there way down tbe clocktower and made there way to the centeral plaza.
@Diabolic Gnome
Good I expected that someone was probably going to say that. So anyways is that all that I did wrong? I need to know if I did anything else wrong so that I could probably fix it in a later fic I might make.
1441438
This. I stopped reading at the first paragraph because it got a tad confusing.
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1441507 click the little yellow pushpin on the rihgt side of a comment to reply so the person knows you replied
1441532
kk thanx im sort of new here...
1441507 other than what i said its just .........bad
sorry
If you need story writing help talk to killjoy
1441558
Well hopefully someone else likes my story or I'm giving up on writing crossovers.
1441564*slap* DONT SAY THAT everybody was a shitty writer when thay started
1441464 Just saw that you responded. Yea, I'm tired, I've already done a review, and I don't feel like sifting through walls of texts to find errors. I MIGHT help ya out tomorrow.
1441577
Well alright then.
1441616
BELIEVE
It's rather choppy and poorly executed, could be fixed.
"start a new paragraph for when a different person speaks" Nova said, "this was one of the primary problems since it made it impossible to follow the story past it"
"yeah, also some storyline would be great" Nova's un-named friend continued, "A recomendation would be some form of transition"
you would do well to make sense, why is twilight here? why are the CMC here? when did Celestia get here?
I think you should replace some of Xemnas's lines because he talks pretty differently.
i like iy>