Wrong Apple Store, Applejack!

by jamiejammers

Oh Horseapples.

“For land’s sake,” boomed an irate mare, stomping her front hooves on the ground. “Doesn’t any feller around here know anything about apples!”

A small crowd had gathered around Applejack. The sight of a not-so-little pastel orange pony (with a tattoo on its butt depicting three red apples) was totally out of place, even for the Big Apple itself.

Applejack seemed rather… lost.

Her big green eyes darted all around the modern, almost futuristic looking store. The walls were sleek, and painted an almost sterile shade of white. Instead of the gentle candle lighting of her filly-hood, harsh modern lighting beamed down across the store like it was powered by Celestia herself. Wooden tables displayed all sorts of arcane magical moving picture frames. By Celestia, Applejack had never seen a place so… sanitized, even during her time in Manehattan.

“Look, lady- err, horsie, whatever the hell you are,” glared the man. He was dressed up all business casual, not too fancy, but still professional. The eyebags under his eyes betrayed the fact that he was certainly not paid enough for whatever this was.

“This is an Apple store! We don’t sell apples here!”

Applejack trotted in circles around the store, one hoof scratching at her chin. Her flank bumped into one of the tables, knocking over a phone from its display and causing it to fall for what seemed like an eternity.

Crash!

Applejack winced. There was a heavy, lingering silence. She kept trotting.

“Now what kind of Apple store doesn’t even sell apples? There must be some in the back for bucks sake!”

“Lady-orange-horse thing-” the man was cut off by Applejack attempting to reach a hoof up to silence him. These weird human things were just too tall, making this somewhat of an impossible thing. She was at least a little thankful that her friend Lyra had told her a few things about humans. Otherwise she’d be totally left in the dark. Applejack hoped they liked apples.

“Hey! Muh name’s Applejack,” she whinnied.

“Applejack, whatever, you just broke a phone and now you come begging me for apples? Go to the supermarket or something. Make it quick, or I’ll call animal control on you.”

Well, whatever the animal control was, it certainly didn’t sound good. Thoughts and visions of a bunch of big scary hounds with teeth as sharp as sabers floated around in her mind! Or- or maybe a big scary hound with the head of a ram and the tail with a snake head attached! Or a timber wolf! Or maybe the animal control controlled animals? Only Fluttershy could do something like that, she figured.

“I did say make it quick.”

Despite all this, the crowd of tall, mostly hairless figures dressed up in more clothes than even the most bombastic of canterlot natives, hardly moved one single inch. They merely pulled out their arcane rectangles doing something on them for sure. Applejack scrunched up her nose trying to think about all this stuff. Why did she have to come here alone! She needed Twilight! Or Fluttershy for that animal control, or Lyra for her love of humans. They should’ve been in this alien land, not the poor old farm mare, for sure. Oh right, the whole leaving thing.

Applejack turned her body to face the exit, at least, she thought that was the exit given that there was a giant hole in the wall. What kind of stores only had three walls? But as she trotted out to leave she bumped into the glass with a loud vibrating thud. Applejack winced again, rubbing at the giant red bump now pulsing on her head.

“Owie… I-I knew that was glass! Honest!”

Applejack scrunched up her nose.

Someone finally broke free from the trance of the crowd and opened the actual door, and only then did Applejack realize how silly she was. Even the prettiest boutiques in downtown Canterlot didn’t have all glass walls, and especially not any old buildings in Ponyville. Were all human stores like this?

Applejack gave the helpful human being a small nod as thanks, and trotted herself out the door, destined to find some sort of real apple store. She was plum tuckered out, and starving too, but the natural lighting of the late autumn day felt much better on her eyes than that harsh indoor lighting. She walked down the sidewalk, bumping into all sorts of gawking onlookers. Not only was she not human, she wasn’t even from here. The farm pony barely had any experience in the big city, not since her days as a filly and the occasional trips with Rarity. Oh, if only she could show her dear Rarity.

Applejack trotted until her legs gave way, enjoying all the sights there were to see of the Big Apple (she would have totally grinned ear to ear if she heard it was called that). Managing to make it to Central Park, she fished some bits out of her saddlebag to buy one solitary apple from a vendor on the sidewalk, but the man said something about “not taking weird old golden coins.” The green space was much more to her liking. Applejack sat under the shade of some old, gnarled up looking tree and fell asleep under it. Feeling like some sort of invisible passing entity as nobody seemed to bat an eye for some reason. The stars passed over Applejack’s head as she slept.

“Applejack, I’m opening the portal now!” Yelled Twilight sparkle standing over some sort of arcane looking magical setup. Spike, her faithful and loyal assistant, knew better than to question the ways of one Lavender Mare. “I’m coming for you!”

“Gah, where in the hay am I,” Applejack shook her head like she was trying to dry it off in the sun, shaking away the weird spots in her vision.

“You’re back at the Castle, Applejack! I thought I lost you there!” Twilight walked over and gave her a big old friendship hug of course.

“Aw shucks, I thought I lost myself too! There was this big city, filled with humans, and there was an apple store that didn’t even sell no apples! Luckily, I think I’m o-”

“She’s okie-dokie-lokie,” boomed a familiar voice belonging to a certain pronking pink filly.

“Pinkie pie!” The two other mares paused, before all three of them broke into laughter. Applejack was glad that ordeal was over.

Comments

[SecondPrances]

You rock!!!

[6-D Pegasus]

This was hilarious, I loved it XD

[milk rain]

"What ya mean you dont sell apples?"

[Dan]

Clearly, AJ uses Arch. Even Rarity would balk at Apple, no matter how trendy and shiny the rosegold editions are.

[marmalado]

Ahhh...a classic joke that's very well-done here. I need more "Applejack in an Apple store" fics in my life, lol.

[Lilyheart]

I would have liked to see the store employee trying to explain to AJ what they do sell, only to have her completely misunderstand why anyone would want an iPhone.

Short and sweet story. I liked her crashing into the glass. When Twilight first started talking to AJ, I was worried she was going to miss her portal back home by being asleep.

Also, "Applejack, I’m opening the portal now!” Yelled Twilight sparkle standing over..."

Spoilers just in case someone decides to read the comments before the story.