Anon befriends the apple family while working on their farm. Applejack gets a little more than she bargained for.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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I know you are trying to go for some conflict here. However this just feels a little too forced.
lmao, what? gonna have to agree with the guy below me, that was just... weird.
That's a shame. I mean I've spent literally half the story so far setting up her heat messing with her emotions and making them harder to control...
I'm afraid I have to agree with my fellow readers below me. This conflict feels a little too early after the walloper we had last chapter, and a tad forced.
11849881 The story is fine. I really liked how well you handled the buildup and then well... what happened next. But like I said I understand what you are going with here. Is Applejack Bipolar or something? That 180 mood flip, and how she instantly blew up... Also I guess this is how you want to have conflict between the two. Waiting to see what happens next. Please don't take what I said as being overly critical or hating on your story. Just trying to give you a view of looking from the outside in.
11849881
Harder to control =/= can't be controlled though and this felt like more than just a heat thing. AJ herself basically said so here:
Felt more like she was lashing out at Anon for something she's dealt with before, despite Anon making valid points she couldn't even refute.
I'd have a far easier time accepting that Big Mac was unreasonably angry that Anon slept with AJ than this but that's just me.
Curious to see how this gets resolved.
11849881
I think that's fine. Issue I have is with her family personally, especially Granny. She caves and let's AJ work way top quickly despite knowing she was injured not one day ago. Its definitely forced.
It feels like the conflict here comes from left field but it has been coming up rather nicely when you look back at it. AJ has been a mess on all her emotions, not just on those involving Anon. She's always been an incredibly stubborn mare and very aggressive in her stubbornness and her heat, something that was never touched on for good reason in the show, would only amplify those various emotions. Really, this is a lot of anger at herself for getting hurt, being bored in bed and making her family suffer by having to work extra hard to pick up the slack that was made when she got stuck on injury leave and nobody could help. There's a lot of pent up feelings there and being in heat really does not help those matters.
As for why Granny, Big Mac and Applebloom caved so fast... Well, they've been running themselves ragged just to try to get it all done. It's very likely they really aren't thinking straight themselves from exhaustion and working themselves to the bone almost. And here AJ is, offering to work lightly and saying she's fine, showing it through a good bit of lying to herself and them and thus, to an exhausted, not truly understanding mind, that sounds like a huge relief. They need the help and desperately and they all know it. They know they shouldn't but with how much they're running themselves into the ground...
As for Anon's actions up until he sprints off, he's in the right but, unfortunately, he's trying to talk down a brick wall. He's trying to look out for the one pony that sees him for more then a monkey Tirek alike. Someone who, if she isn't careful, could indeed hurt herself permanently and she's treating it like a scratch instead of the serious problem it is. Is he being forceful? Yes but he kind of has to be with AJ since stubborn is a hard trait to deal with without it. And now he's just, apparently, lost that one shining light he saw in this entire world after all that he has dealt with. So much darkness all around and then this one, special orange light with apples on her butt and that light just turned around and screamed in his face to never come back after they confessed so much. So it's not a bad thing he's losing his mind over something so big and not thinking straight himself either. To have your everything be torn away like that in a brief moment of betrayal is heart rending and going to lead to some very dark places without an immediate help.
11850103
Thank you, yes, exactly. This is precisely what I was aiming for.
AssholeJack
11850103
Well put. Honestly a chapter or two ago I was thinking to myself when is there first big fight going to happen? Well looks like I found out.
11850128
I'm honestly waiting to see if RD or Fluts hear about how AJ did him in this situation. because AJ's actions are a blatant betrayal of both his kindness AND his loyalty to her.
11850103
Well, that certainly changes the way I look at these scenes! You raise some pretty good observations. While the conflict did feel a tad weird, I can see the reasons for it happening now.
I have to agree with most of the commenters. AJ and others set this up as “heat messes with my emotions a little” not “heat makes me be a complete asshat to the guy I’m madly in love with”.
It just doesn’t work. If you were trying to set this up as a possibility you needed AJ to be far more emotionally volatile previously. Almost bipolar. Because this is basically bipolar behavior.
While I really like this story and it's actually managed to make me read it through until it's current chapter(which is a feat all it's own these days lol) I can't help but note some things that bother me.
Firstly, this mc seems to be entirely too forgiving, to the point where he doesn't even come across as human sometimes. The stunt Rainbow pulled and then Fluttershy's literal assault and using the stare on him would be grounds to avoid both of them like the plague and shame them publicly. Instead, the mc just kinda gets over it within seconds. The Fluttershy one is *especially* hard to overlook because of his volatile emotions/trauma he literally just re-experienced because of her and he just... kinda forgives her.
Not to mention how Twilight clearly doesn't trust him and violates the genuine trust he puts into her, and yet he holds absolutely no grudge, for even a single chapter.
Lastly, and most notable, is AppleJack's reaction to him fussing over her. At no point in her cycle has it been made clear that she's that unstable, and it just comes off as extremely forced. I could see her telling him to leave her alone while she works and that they need some space because she's getting pissed, but outright kicking him off the farm and demanding he doesn't come back doesn't feel like she just exploded in a rage of hormones and pent up frustration. It feels like she was possessed by a completely different character. Especially because of the lengths she was just willing to go to to defend him and keep him around.
I see why you didn't have the rest of the Apple clan step in. It makes sense, and I don't have any qualms with that. However, I just find the whole thing a bit of a stretch. Labor should be easy to find, especially in Ponyville. That said, it can be pretty easily ignored so it's not a big deal.
Overall, I do love the story and the budding relationship between our mc and AppleJack, but I feel like you may want to do some rewrites to make her a bit less outright cruel here. Because with all the other things the mc has been put through in this story, this *has* to be the straw that breaks his back. AppleJack simply does not deserve him anymore, and if he does take her back without at least several chapters of prolonged effort on her part to win him back, then he's completely and officially spineless and unrelatable.
I hope that's not to scalding of a review. I really like your work and want it to be the best it can be. With all that said, I *do* love this story and I hope to see the happy ending at the end. I just think it needs to be deserved.
11850591
Perfectly stated.
Why do people keep saying it's Fluttershy's fault he's experiencing these emotions? It's not. He's reliving this trauma because he and Applejack assumed (without much proof I might add) that she was raped, and that reminded Anon of these terrible memories. At BEST Fluttershy was a trigger, but that's it. Her stare didn't make him relive that trauma, he was already in the middle of reliving it as he stormed away from her cottage. I thought that was perfectly clear. Her stare simply robbed him of the anger he was using as a shield so he felt the hurt more keenly--and was therefore able to snap out of his rage induced run and seek comfort from Applejack instead.
Frankly, I am stunned by the response to this chapter. 11850103 seems to be the only one who has interpreted it the way I intended when I wrote it. Everyone else seems to be grasping at straws and getting upset over something I did not write--or at least, did not intend to imply with what I wrote. Maybe it's my fault, a sign of poor writing, I don't know.
Re-read Estrane's comment and then re-read the chapter with his comment in mind if you have to. I believe this conflict to be perfectly well established and fair, with plenty of justification built up over the past... what, 8 chapters? Y'all are acting like this is a complete surprise that came out of absolutely nowhere, when in actuality almost the entire story has been building to this exact point (and most of the rest of the story revolves around this central conflict as well).
I am honestly bewildered.
11850940
I don't want to come across as rude here, but if so many people interpreted the events a certain way, then that kind of lends credence to the notion that what you wrote implies what they're saying, rather than what you wanted it to imply. If only one person felt the way you wanted while everyone else holds a different but shared view of the events, then the writing probably needs to be adjusted slightly.
Additionally, my personal issue with Fluttershy was how she literally assaulted him while he was in the middle of a mental breakdown from his trauma, then proceeds to lecture him about how it's hurting AppleJack. Like... she's completely in the wrong here. She may not have made him relive the trauma, but she definitely isn't helping the situation. She's making it much worse. Then she just runs away after essentially screwing with his head, and he totally gets over any negative feelings he should rightly have toward her. It just doesn't feel like a realistic reaction from him.
Again, the story is great, but there are some things that could use some tweaking.
11850940
I read estrane's comment and thought it was a sound take. I even upvoted it. However, you are acting as if it delegitimizes the feeling that this reaction of AJ felt forced or like it's more than the heat itself influencing things. As CrimsonWolf stated, minor tweaking could help for this moment to not feel like it came out of nowhere or was a tad forced.
I think an issue lies with having a number of characters downplay Anon's concerns about a medicine-controlled heat only for just that to be the big bad conflict that blows up in his face.
There are certain opinions I don't agree with though. I don't think Fluttershy was to blame for Anon's feelings since they could only assume what she may have experienced but doesn't want to talk about. Also, I get why the rest of the Apple family acquiesced to AJ's claim that she was fine and could work since they were bone tired. However, I also still don't understand why one of them didn't step in when they saw that AJ was getting ahead of herself and lashing out at Anon. I feel they could have made an attempt to calm the situation.
11851140
Sorry, I'm not trying to deny that there's a problem. I'm just surprised that it is a problem. I thought it was already well established and sufficiently built up, and am surprised at everyone's reactions. It is clearly a failing on my part while writing, just not one that I expected.
11851250
No,no no! You guys broke the author, now we won't get updates for weeks... Weeks! 😭
Just keep writing man, it's your story, and nearly the best parts of my week.
11853326
lol don't worry, I'm not throwing a tantrum and refusing to post or anything stupid like that, I've just been busy the past couple days, just bad timing that it happened now.
Remember, the description says most of the story is already written and just needs to be converted to prose--we still have about 4 chapters until I'm out of material and have to start actually writing new words again.
>and nearly the best parts of my week.
That's great to hear, thanks :)
11851250
Admitting that the problem might be in your own writing is a sign of a good author. 👍
11853326
Come talk to me after looking at the wait time for the last 4 chapters on Everyday Life With Guardsmares