That Wednesday in the cafeteria
It was a Wednesday afternoon, the wind was coming and going on a bridge well known to many, where there was a purple-haired girl thinking about life.
“What's the point of hanging these locks if love will soon burn you inside?” The girl said sadly, looking at the padlocks with the couples' initials. He took a long sigh to continue on his way.
She is currently in Paris, her mother thought it was a good idea to visit new places and thus refresh her mind, although she has only been here for a short time and does not know the names of the places, she decided to go out alone.
While she was walking she came across a clothing store and decided to see if anything caught her attention.
The girl with wavy hair was moving each item of clothing. She found different types of clothing, there were some that she liked and others not so much. When she was about to leave, she noticed some shoes that caught her attention.
“He never liked that I wore heels, they made him look short,” thought the girl, still looking at the high-heeled shoes. “Eight months have passed… he is no longer there to tell me what I should or should not wear.”
"Excuse me? I don't know if you will understand me, but how much are those shoes? Luckily for her, the lady also speaks English, she approached the shoes, asked for her size and took them to her.
When she left the store she found a couple of women holding hands. They looked very happy. She looked away from her so as not to see them. It's not that he doesn't like the idea of two girls being together. She has also dated some, but that happiness will sooner or later end.
That's what love does, it breaks, it burns you and it ends
She continued walking through the streets of Paris like this until she stopped at a lake, next to which there was a tree. She decided to sit down, took out some headphones and played the playlist of her songs. She closed her eyes to pay attention to the melody and the letter.
Until the last song was played, he opened his eyes and laughed humorlessly. “He never understood this song.”
He put his hearing aids in his wallet and decided to see what else he could find, he saw another store, but this time not for clothes but for coffee, he went in and asked for one.
There she was sitting in a corner near the entrance drinking coffee, lost in her thoughts until the entrance bell rang, indicating that someone was entering.
She saw three girls enter, one seemed very energetic with a big smile and had pink hair, the other was also pink, she seemed shy since she had her eyes downcast, behind her was one with multicolored hair, she looked sporty since she was carrying a bag with her. , I didn't care so he continued with his thing
“Pinkie Pie, because of how you described the place, I thought it was something else” Exclaimed the multi-colored girl.
“Come on, they didn't let me choose the other day,” said the pink-haired girl. “Besides, this is the closest thing to Sugarcube Corner,” she said excitedly as she jumped.
“I think it's cute,” the girl with pale pink hair said in a low tone.
The entrance bell rang again, a girl with blonde hair entered.
“Don't complain, Rainbow, it was this or the museum, although I doubt you went,” the blonde girl said, closing the door.
The country accent caught the girl's attention and she looked up, meeting emerald green eyes that were also looking at her. They continued like this for a moment longer and then turned their gaze. The one with purple hair lowered her head to eat a piece of her cake and the blonde headed to her friends.
“Eh… have you already chosen the table?” The blonde said a little distracted.
“Why don't we sit here?” She suggested the one with pale pink hair.
“Excellent Fluttershy oh look you can see the outside a little bit,” Pinkie Pie said with a smile.
They sat down, ordered what each one wanted and the blonde began to talk. She listened to her friends and from time to time looked at the purple-haired girl.
“You would have seen Twilight when Pinkie and I played that prank on her” Rainbow said as she laughed she high-fived Pinkie Pie.
"And that's why he didn't want to come with us and go to the museum alone with Sunset," Fluttershy said.
“It was just a little joke,” Rainbow Dash said defensively, “don't you think so?” She asked, addressing the blonde, but she did not respond, “Hey, are you listening to me? She insisted once again
Pinkie Pie looked at the blonde who was looking elsewhere, she nudged her slightly.
"mmm... what's going on?" She said the blonde without understanding what they were talking about.
"Where is your friend?" Rainbow Dash asked and then looked where she was looking and then smiled sideways.
“Well here,” she said, trying to hide it.
“Let's see, what were we talking about? He asked to prove if her suspicions were true.
“Ah… that… the…” I try to look for an answer, but I fail.
“To me, you're looking at that girl over there,” Rainbow said, pointing with her spoon.
Fluttershy and Pinkie Pie continued their gaze to see a girl with purple hair with a ponytail. The girl seemed to be refined.
“Uuuuyyyy it seems like a certain little person is interested in that girl? Pinkie Pie said moving her eyebrows up and down.
“I don't know what you're talking about,” she tried to excuse herself as she stood up and took her cup. “If you'll excuse me,” she finished saying and then walked to the other table, behind her she heard the laughter of her friends, but she decided to ignore them.
The girl continued drinking her coffee thoughtfully until she heard a woman's voice, making her return to reality. She raised her head and realized that she was the same girl who caught her attention earlier.
The blonde was wearing a red and black plaid blouse with pants torn at the knee with boots and what stood out the most about her was her cowboy hat.
“Hello…” The blonde girl said, greeting
“H… hello” I answer back a little embarrassed without understanding the reason for it.
“You seem a little thoughtful,” she said as she sat down.
Normally she would think that it would be impolite to sit at the table with a stranger without asking permission, but for some reason she let it go, the purple-haired girl thought.
“Sorry, I have a lot of things on my mind.”
“You don't have to apologize,” the blonde said and then took a sip of her coffee. “I've never seen you around here.”
“It's been a few days since I arrived and I think I already have the language a little,” she answered, but lying a little. “I could even tell you how to say cake in French,” looking at her piece of cake. She doesn't know why, but she wanted to impress the girl in front of her.
"Oh really?" The blonde said with a side smile, “let's see.”
"Eh... well it's cakeuuu..." She tried to imitate the French accent then he tried to say it another way, failing in the attempt he saw the blonde girl who had a slight smile "it's not said like that right" the blonde just shook her head, she looked towards downstairs sighing defeated then she heard laughter so she looked up and was surprised to see her laughing
The blonde, upon hearing his attempt at pronouncing French and also her expression, started to laugh, but when she noticed that the girl in front of her was not laughing, she stopped, “I'm sorry, I didn't mean to offend.”
“No, that's not it, it's just that I was surprised that you laughed.” The purple-haired girl said, surprised.
“The way you were trying to pronounce it made me laugh” another laugh escaped him “isn't she supposed to make you laugh?”
"It's just..." I hesitate a little "...someone once told me that I'm not at all... funny" I try to explain. “Normally he would look at me seriously for my mistake” She thought.
“Well, that person is completely wrong,” said the blonde. “You should listen to my friend's jokes and that would make you completely silent.” The girl in front of her started laughing. She was happy about that, she had noticed that this girl was sad. “I guess spending too much time with Pinkie Pie makes it easy for me to recognize when someone is faking a smile.”
"You have a nice smile, ¿miss?" the blonde asked
“How rude of me. Rarity… my name is Rarity” she responded “and thank you for the compliment” she said a little blushing.
“My pleasure, my name is Applejack,” she said with a smile. “As I said before, it could have been a simple joke, but sometimes you can laugh at your own mistakes,” she said with a smile.
Rarity smiled at that and took one last sip of her already finished coffee. They looked into each other's eyes, it seemed that just the look was enough for both of them.
After a few minutes like this he coughed and spoke, “Would you like to go for a walk? “I know some places I think you might like,” Applejack suggested as he stood up and offered his hand to Rarity.
At first I hesitate a little, but I end up accepting and take his hand to get up. "But first I have to pay, I'll be right back" Applejack just nodded then turned to see how his friends were doing, they were just talking apparently.
"And where are you going to take me? The truth is I don't know anything” Rarity said returning after paying.
Applejack smiled, she knew well that Rarity was lying when she said she knew a little French, she just wanted to see how far she would go and for some reason she made him smile, which she did.
“How about we walk first and I suggest places and you tell me if you want it or not” Applejack said.
“Sounds good to me,” Rarity said and then headed to the door.
Applejack takes one last look at her friends only to find Pinkie Pie giving her a thumbs up, Rainbow Dash trying to hold back the urge to laugh, but nodding and finally Fluttershy who gave her a smile, I guess those are their ways of wishing luck, the blonde thought.
When they left they talked for a while, they went to see some places in Paris that Rarity found charming and finally they rented a bicycle for a walker. Right now they were walking down the street to return it.
“So your family is in charge of picking apples?” Rarity asked.
"Yes, we have an apple orchard, you should see my sister and she wants to help with that," Applejack said, letting out a laugh. She also noticed that Rarity was laughing. "And what about you? Do you have something you aspire to?"
“I dream of having a boutique” Rarity answered with a genuine smile. She doesn't know why, but she seemed a little shy when telling him about her dream. She is normally more confident.
“So you're a designer,” said the farmer, interested in what she was saying.
“Yes, at home I have a separate room to design,” Rarity said, remembering the time she made her first dress. “It's strange being in the company of Applejack, I feel calm, I don't remember the last time I felt like that.”
“I'm sure you'll be a great, well-known designer,” said Applejack, stopping her steps as they had arrived where they asked for the bicycle.
Rarity saw the sky was already getting dark. She hadn't realized that she was with Applejack all day, the time flew by. Applejack also realized how late it was.
"How about I leave you where you're staying?" Applejack proposed as he put a hand on her slightly blushing neck. "I've been in Paris for longer and something tells me that you went out on your own to explore."
Rarity was surprised that Applejack can read her like an open book. She accepted her request and they walked towards the apartment where she was staying with her family.
“And here we are,” Applejack said, pointing with both arms.
“It was closer than she thought,” Rarity said, surprised as she remembers taking a taxi when she left.
“Well, I think this is goodbye,” Applejack said, trying to hide her discontent.
“So it seems” a little discouraged
Rarity walked past Applejack almost to the door. He wanted to say something to her, but he didn't dare, he took a deep breath and turned around. "Applejack..."
“Rarity…”
They both spoke at the same time and laughed about it.
“You first,” Applejack told him.
“I know I just met you and I would like…” she was silent for a second “… to see each other again” she finally said it.
The blonde was surprised by what the dressmaker said since she was also going to ask the same thing, “I would like it too.”
Applejack was already walking away from the apartment, smiling. Rarity, already inside her apartment looked at the new number added to her contacts, put a hand on her chest and sighed.
“After a long time for the first time… the past is already the past, all thanks to this Wednesday at the cafe”
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I like it!
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Oooooh Paris. The city of love
You need to work on the grammar a bit.
You are jumping not only between tenses but also from first to 2nd and 3rd person.
That is a no no.
I liked the story itself- but there were enough grammatical issues that I wondered about maybe commenting about the overall patterns of them I saw, so as to help. This part of things really did explain quite a lot: "I use a translator so it is possible that some things are possibly poorly translated".
(Side note: As confident as I am on grammar, that's pretty much the ONLY thing I'm confident in, and I fully admit to being a stumbling rookie of a writer myself.)
Point of advice #1: Use consistent tenses. Though you mostly use past tense, which is normal for a written story, there are some times where you switch into present tense. The first example is here: "She is currently in Paris", a phrase which is sandwiched in between a bunch of past tense verbs, meaning that 'she WAS currently in Paris' would be more consistent.
Point of advice #2: Use consistent point of view. You mostly use third-person point of view, but there are some times where you slip into first-person, and it is yet again jarring. The first example is here: "Luckily for me, the lady also spoke English, she approached the shoes, I asked her for my size and she took them with me", a first-person perspective which comes in between a bunch of sentences based on third-person perspective.
Point of advice #3: Work on using pronouns that are accurate to the meaning you're trying to convey. There are some times where pronouns are used incorrectly- sometimes to confusing effect, and sometimes to unintentionally hilarious effect. The first pronoun mistake is here: "looking at the padlocks with the initials of her partners". Because it says the padlocks have the initials of HER partners, the sentence is technically saying that all of those initials were from people who had been partners to the narrator, which is kind of a hilarious typo once the reader gets past the confusion. Another early example of an unintentionally hilarious mistake is here: "It's not that he doesn't like the idea of two girls being together", where the pronoun "he" is used to refer to an obviously female narrator.
Hopefully these three pointers can help prevent you from being overwhelmed when dealing with a foreign language, allowing you to focus in on very specific things when analyzing the output created by the translator and fine-tuning it.
11810268
Thanks for the advice, as I said, I use a translator and sometimes I noticed that it said "he" instead of "she" or if I read it and you are right in part I changed it to first person without realizing it, I will correct it when I get free, but for now I corrected some things
11810257
I will correct it soon... I was waiting for the page to approve the fanfiction and I didn't notice some errors but I hope you liked the story
11810355
Erm... I'm not really sure what you mean when you say 'is very separated'. For each point of advice I gave, I made sure to give a quote as an example, so I'm really not sure what you're looking for in terms of additional examples.
11810370
Sorry I got confused with another comment, I already edited some points that you indicated then I will correct if I notice something else (or if someone notices something like you) I'm a little busy at the moment and I will also do it with a fanfiction I'm working on (they are chapters ), it's funny since I have the plot but I started with the middle and some of the beginning and to get to where I want, which are beautiful moments, I have to create a tense atmosphere at the beginning)
PS: When you said that "She is currently in Paris" sounds in the past tense and that "she was currently in Paris" would be more consistent. You say I changed it to "she was currently" since it sounds in the present tense.