It’ll be ok

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Flash Sentry struggles to adjust to life in Ponyville, after a tough break up with Braeburn.
An entry to the M/M shipping contest 2023.

Chapters (3)

Jagged Rocks · 24th Nov 2023 · 2,386 words
2,386
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Mirror Obsessed · 29th Nov 2023 · 977 words
977
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In Apathy · 4th Dec 2023 · 1,850 words
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Comments ( 8 )

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homer simpson

homer simpson #1 · Nov 28th, 2023 · 1 · 2 · Jagged Rocks ·

Hey all, thank you for reading. This isn't just my first piece on this website, but actually my first attempt at writing anything. I say this to illustrate that any criticism is very much welcome; the more brutally detailed, the more it will be appreciated.

Bicyclette

Bicyclette #2 · Nov 28th, 2023 · 3 · 3 · Jagged Rocks ·

11761095
hey, congrats on taking that first step! there is a lot of great stuff here, good imagery and voice. you definitely have the base skills to hone into something great. i am going to come back to this to leave a more detailed analysis when i have the time after the weekend, but i just wanted to drop an encouraging word for now!

Reily

Reily #3 · Dec 2nd, 2023 · 1 · 2 · Mirror Obsessed ·

Best of luck on your future endeavors Mr. Simpson.

AltruistArtist

AltruistArtist #4 · Dec 22nd, 2023 · 2 · · In Apathy ·

You've captured a remarkably mournful tone in this piece for your first endeavor into fiction writing; I'm impressed! I feel that your choice of using an epistolary framing really supported where your narrative voice feels comfortable, settling in a place that's very sincere and pensive, as far as I'm able to glean from this sole example of your prose. You've got a great handle on some strong choices of description and figurative language, too. I'll highlight a few lines I really liked:

What does a pony do when bars spring up where they once thought sky, when drab and hideous claws spring from the earth and hold them down and stars turn out to be painted on? Close their eyes and dream of course; and in my case, it was of spending time with you.

Their empty branches stretched upwards as if begging for some reprieve, and the roots wrapped themselves helplessly around frozen mud and dry soil.

As time dragged on, not just on that day but in general, I started to feel an itch to tell Somepony about us. Like a foal that had spent time on a drawing and couldn’t resist the urge to interrupt a parent doing something important.

Lovely stuff.

I also really enjoyed how each chapter diverted into those short passages of dialogue. It evoked the dreamy feeling of a memory, almost as if the reader was present in Flash's head as he was writing, no longer merely following the words he wrote on paper, but present in the state of consciousness he occupied as he composed these letters.

The vagueness of what occurred to bring about the end of his relationship with Braeburn led me to be completely blindsided by the reveal. Your allusion to the "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy hit me like a truck. The way you wrote that passage was devastating. And for a subject that reflects deeply painful real-world prejudices, I feel like you addressed it with care. Flash's expectations leading up to his admittance and his reaction to his superior's response were very authentically emotional and human (I say without irony in spite of them being ponies).

I usually don't like to muddy up comment sections with editing suggestions, but since you've openly asked for feedback, my primary bit of advice is in regard to brushing up your technical skills in grammar and punctuation. There were a few passages where you used a comma, rather than a period, to join a line of description with a line of dialogue. Here's an example:

I sat down across from him, “I’m doing alright thanks. Still with Violet?”

This line should be:

I sat down across from him. "I'm doing alright, thanks. Still with Violet?"

If an action proceeds or follows a line of dialogue, it ends in a period. If a speech word proceeds or follows a line of dialogue, then you can use a comma. Here's where a comma would fit in this example:

I sat down across from him and said, "I'm doing alright, thanks. Still with Violet?"

And here, for example, is where you utilized this grammar correctly:

“Careful with that,” she warned, a look of concern still pervading her face.

It's really a habit that develops over time and I'm confident you'll get the hang of it as you continue writing! Which, I hope you do. If it brings you any amount of joy to be creative, keep at it. I can tell you've got a natural style that is well deserving of some nurturing.

Bicyclette

Bicyclette #5 · January 15th · 1 · · Jagged Rocks ·

I’m doing alright all things considered; I found a place in Ponyville of all places. The bed and chairs creek and moan in displeasure at my slightest movement; the wallpaper is desperately trying to pry itself off the wall with all its willpower; and the carpet has seemingly been subjected to intense sauce-related tortures before finally giving up and dying. Yet, I kind of like it; it reminds me of Appleloosa in a way. And wait, before you get mad I don’t mean because it’s in disrepair. I mean because it’s quaint in a way that defies the palace and Canterlot so vehemently – in that way, it also reminds me of you.

love this paragraph, really establishes so much about Flash Sentry’s personality

She was with Twilight, I can only assume she was told about it all because she blushed as I turned around and looked around kind of awkwardly before I gave her a reassuring smile. I made up some excuse about wanting a change of scenery to them. Of course, Applejack said it was a shame you and I had a falling out; and how she’d be happy to invite me with her to Appleloosa next time she goes if I ‘want to make things right’. I politely said I would consider it: maybe I actually would if I knew what right meant.

ooh yeah, that is interesting, how Flash’s life is entangled with both Twilight and Applejack in different contexts here

I dispensed small talk with both of them mechanically; I distinctly remember complaining about the weather despite it not having rained in a week. Applejack gave me a funny look, replying with something along the lines of ‘Well not great for the orchard I s’pose.’ Eventually, I blurted out that I really had to get to a mane inspection: staring with a dead serious intensity. They smiled at me, looked at my unchanging expression, and then smiled with slightly more concern and confusion. After we parted ways I realised; that first of all I had left my apples on the counter but also that I now found it hard to tear my thoughts from you again. It’s the reason I’m writing this now.

just love the sheer awkwardness of all this

Despite being as close to farmers as Cloudsdale is to the ground my Mother especially has this romanticised idea of us being just like the common folk just because her grandfather made his fortunes apple farming. She always neglects to mention he purchased an apple farm with his inherited money.

ooh, love this oblique connection that brings Flash Sentry and Braeburn to meeting! and Flash Sentry being of the same social class as Shining Armor makes sense given his position in the canon

Dull and monstrous: an affront to all things natural and an enemy to all things beautiful. That’s what I thought of trains at the time.

as someone who loves trains i disagree, but can appreciate how beautifully the wrong thought is expressed

Recently I’ve been wondering if there’s some sort of grand conspiracy to make children think there’s more to life than they can see.

i think Flash is on to something here

Those striking green eyes, thick mane, and strong jaw could only be the works of inbreeding I was sure - and he could at least take his hat off indoors.

love how out of pocket this is

“I get it; it ain’t no Manehattan,” you nodded, “More the sort of place for celebrating being an apple guard”
“You think strawberry guards could come here to celebrate too or would it be distasteful?” I downed the rest of my drink.
“Reckon so; though I would give a funny look to any vegetable guard”
We both let out drunken chuckles.

love that these terrible jokes are their chemistry

And maybe it was just because I was drunk and tired, but I opened up about my family, about my realisation that we were never close, and about how despite being closer with them those days I felt lonelier than ever. Even back then you listened with a fierce intensity; you weren’t waiting your turn like most people, I have no doubt you would have heard me out until the end of Ponykind.

the theme of ponies finding their own connection to family lacking compared to tight-knit clans like the Apples is a common one, and good

“I’m sure some pretty mare will come along someday,” I replied.
You looked me in the eyes. Uncompromising earnest. A hint of desperation. The lights of a train; yet a weak light in the darkness.
“You mean...” I suddenly felt cold.
You spoke with dripping shame, “Yep.”

oof! love how the train imagery comes back from earlier as well

It’s that moment that keeps playing through my head recently. I do miss how easily you could calm my worries. When I’m laying in bed in the morning wondering whether I should even bother getting up; it’s not your body next to me I long for, nor even your ear for me to ramble into, but a simple ‘it’ll be ok’ out of your mouth; because even now I would trust your word to my grave.

hey that’s the name of the story! and yes, those are all wonderful things to miss, very sweet start

Bicyclette

Bicyclette #6 · January 15th · 1 · · Mirror Obsessed ·

After two months of not paying rent, my landlady came to visit me. She decided that I would have to leave by the end of the month if I didn’t start paying. My lack of possessions probably doesn’t help conceal the fact that I now have no money. I have my typewriter, ink, and paper lying in disarray on the table, a few books scattered sparingly across the place, my old guard uniform currently shoved roughly into the wardrobe, and an old family mirror sitting dustily in the corner.

oh boy, love how much this tells about where Flash’s life is now. really makes me wonder what happened, and love how the “old guard uniform” and “old family mirror” make clear which pieces of his life that he has lost along the way somehow

You’d be interested to know I’ve now found work as a carer at the retirement village. Sombre work, really; there’s a reason we bothered to build a whole ‘village’ for them away from us. Ponies might say it’s because it’s what they would want: somewhere nice to retire. They are lying, though, if they claim they spend any more than a few uncomfortable seconds thinking about what it’ll truly be like. It’s fulfilling, though; the people here need your help; it’s an exchange that forces even the most thankless of souls to feel some level of appreciation. I imagine it’s a vaguely similar feeling you get from having foals – satisfaction at a successful reliance.

definitely a darker but more realistic take on that whole retirement village concept from the canon!

“I’d prefer not to upset future-me.”
“What has he ever done for you? I mean, he’s visited Canterlot; surely you must hate him for actually visiting Canterlot.”
“This the kind of harebrained logic that protects princesses?”
“It’s the kind of harebrained logic that gets you to visit Canterlot.”

ahaha i just love this conversation! these are great little peeks into how they are together

I guess you were smarter than me; I had vague fantasies of a better life with you, but right from the beginning you knew your family wouldn’t accept us for what we were; you knew this was just a temporary flight of fancy. You also knew there was no point in telling me; I would have said we could move away together; make a new life. But from what? The ashes of your old one?

and oof, the sad consequences of a homophobic Equestria

What does a pony do when bars spring up where they once thought sky, when drab and hideous claws spring from the earth and hold them down and stars turn out to be painted on? Close their eyes and dream of course; and in my case, it was of spending time with you.

love how pegasus this imagery feels, very fitting for the thoughts of a pegasus

It’s funny really, how little things have changed. Still, I dread the routine of everyday, no one to talk to, staring into space daydreaming of you and I. I wonder what the average time to let go is, should I be doing anything differently, could I have done anything different, maybe it wasn’t right, how long would it have lasted anyway and what does it matter anyway, why do I even still care so much?

heartbreaking and relatable

Bicyclette

Bicyclette #7 · January 15th · 1 · · In Apathy ·

But before I could reach the halfway point in my walk around this distorted memory, I stumbled across Applejack and Big Mac, both wrapped up in scarves, valiantly fighting against the sharp weather to prune another one of a thousand apple trees. It looked like the fight was being won; rows and rows ahead of me were carefully clipped and shaped. I guess I looked pretty pathetic, shivering there, just staring at them without saying anything, like a lost foal. Suddenly, confronted with the eyes of others, I remembered my body. I felt the piercing pain in my lungs, the weakness in my legs, and the total numbness in my wings. I’m still not sure how long I was walking for.

ooh, love the imagery here

“I’m fine,” I finally bothered to look around at the setting: a sickeningly homey place. Family photos, quaint home-built furniture, and, of course, apple theming wherever possible. You’ve been there before, so I’m sure you will agree that it is very reminiscent of your house.

those ponies sure do love apple theming wherever possible!

“This about Braeburn?” I was actually kind of surprised she mentioned you. I mean, I’m long past my prejudice against country ponies, but she still didn’t strike me as the kind of pony who would put the dots together.

love this hint that Flash isn’t as past his prejudice against country ponies as he might have thought

To my surprise, there was little hint of judgement in her eyes, “What happened between you?”

i would be very disappointed in Applejack if there were!

“I’m sorry, Flash; I truly am, but we can’t have someone like you serving.”

oof, very sad to see such homophobia in Equestria :(

In that moment, I wish I could have broken down and cried; I wish I could have shouted at you at the top of my lungs; I wish I could have hated you with all my heart. But instead, something much worse happened: that dreadful cold washed over me, a void in my soul, utter apathy. Bitter for just one sweet moment before your face looked dull and tasteless.

and augh, one more beautifully rendered emotion before the end. with all the apple stuff the taste metaphor fits really well

I have no idea what you were feeling because, as I said it I was already walking out the door. And before I knew it, I was on a train to here.

and of course their story together must end with a train away just like it began with a train to! i mean i know that’s just logic but i like it

really loved this! i enjoyed this quite a lot, and there were many beautiful bits that i pointed out earlier. Flash and Braeburn’s contrasting characterizations and backgrounds were also really well-rendered here, and i’m especially impressed by how complete Flash feels as a pony fleshed out from the little canon details that we have.

as for criticism, one thing that took me out of it was the logic of the format. i enjoyed the story that the letters told, but it really didn’t feel like how the in-universe Flash would write to in-universe Braeburn, recounting bits of conversation they had as if one were writing prose and all. but you have a really great talent for prose, and i am honored that you chose your first story here to be an entry into this contest. thank you for writing, and i hope that you keep writing!

PseudoBob Delightus

PseudoBob Delightus #8 · Last Thursday · · · In Apathy ·

This story meanders, but does it right - on a second reading all the little random details come together to make so much sense - the desperation of love; the deadening of heartbreak; and the letters with no reply. I'm sure it doesn't take everyone a second reading, though, hehehe.

It particularly sticks the landing in the final chapter. Others have said this, but the reveal of how Flash lost his position in the Royal Guard was a gut punch. That, coupled with the cold realization that there was nothing left between Flash and Braeburn to break off, certainly earned the Sad tag.

An engaging, emotional story. Thanks for writing it!

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homer simpson

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