Born to a family of tithe collectors in The Capitol, Twilight Sparkle is no stranger to the inner workings of the Administratum. When she is sent to investigate news of the return of the sister of the Empress, she discovers working in the Imperium of Man is rarely as clean as the reports suggest.
While the Astra Militarum wages war across countless worlds, against unknowable horrors, the Administratum wages its own war… mainly against itself. For the only thing that could compete with the will of the divine is the wheels of Imperial bureaucracy.
Stuck between overseeing debtors, strange cults, and making sure her new associates don’t kill each other first, a strange prophesy involving some mysterious rocks is the least of her concerns.
An idea I had a few years ago that that has been sitting on my hard drive, thought it would be nice to finish it off and post it somewhere.
New chapter every 2-4 weeks.
Does this mean this story is already complete?
Finally gotten around to reading this story, it's very interesting so far in how you decided to go about this crossover. I am curious to know how what ever was left of the Imperium of Man, I am assuming that it might take place toward the end of the Horus Heresy and was uncertain if Terra was about to fall or not. From the sound of it the Empress is the perpetual that took on the title of the mother of the creation of the Primarch, I don't know her name by heart, and somehow escaped to another Galaxy and somehow adopted/assimilated the ponies of Equestria in her image that resemble as a less hostile version of the Imerium or Man. It seems to be hinting that human DNA is mixed into the ponies, or at least that is what they have told themselves to legitimize their title and status. Could be they are genetically engineered as crossbreed of the original ponies of that world or that she brought with her as the only thing left alive, with all the humans has died off before they even arrived at the planet, and decided to use ponies as the successor rage to Man, I wouldn't be surprized that she was incredibly lonely during her trip.
Despite having a good basis here for a story, I do have some critique on the writing stile which comes off as a bit stilted and bland at times, and while the dialogue is actually great, it's not back up enough with the characters mannerisms that follows along in an interesting manner, at least that is my opinion. I feel that there could have been more of a exploration or the world which Twilight lives in, like her family, her status along with how repressive this Imperium is to it's subjects and show how sheltered Twilight is despite being a witch herself, before jumping into the adventure proper to give it more lived in feel too the place. I could suggest that Twilight does a mini investigation to gather up the information in the world that she live in to better understand her so that she manages to have enough material to justify a off the book trip to Everfree as an example, or maybe something during her trip to that world, but I can perfectly understand that was way out of the scope of what you had originally planed.
For the action scene, if I can make a suggestion, would be to add more visceral hyperbolic descriptions that that involves the senses with show clip sentences. For the monotony, I have noticed that you use the character's names a lot, but you could use more descriptors to let the readers know how you are referring to as well as keep reminding them how they look like, you do a fine job for use the titles. There are plenty of other things I could suggest but I can go into detail, and you are already doing a pretty good job already.
Keep it up.