Aristocrats, Bureaucrats and Other Criminals

by Phosphor


The Empress’ finest

Twilight gratefully accepted Fluttershy’s offer to ride in Angel’s cabin again, and this time Spike could enjoy it too. She held him close as he took full advantage of the elevated position to watch the scenery.

By mid-afternoon the forest finally gave way to a small patch of grassland, giving a good view of the tower. They found a secluded vantage point near the edge of the clearing to investigate.

Even from this distance it was clear that the building was ancient. It looked like it had once formed part of a perimeter of defensive structures, though whatever the wall had been protecting had collapsed long ago, along with much of the wall itself. Most of what remained was now covered by thick vines, though the structure itself was surprisingly intact. Near the top Twilight could just make out the anti-air battery, slowly scanning the sky for more targets.

Rainbow looked through the scope of her gun, “I guess we’ve got to get up there. Do you think the lift still works?”

“I somehow doubt it,” Rarity lamented.

“It must be by the grace of the Omnissiah that anything works at all.”

Rarity eyed the tower with disdain for her ruined afternoon, “Maybe a bit too graceful for once.”

Fluttershy frowned “The Omnissiah nurtures all machines under Her watch. You can’t blame Her if somepony misuses Her generosity.”

“You know loads about generosity. Ponies just love to give you money, don’t they, Duchess Rarity,” Rainbow sarcastically emphasised the honorific.

“You are already on thin ice Sergeant,” Rarity warned.

Twilight hastily pointed to a collapsed archway flanked by a pair of guards “That uh, looks like the only way in. If we spend some time observing them, maybe we could learn something about their guard patterns.” Twilight hoped distraction would help defuse the situation.

“Whatever, I was just joking,” Rainbow flew up to get a higher vantage point, perching herself on one of the many thick tree branches.

“Just keep an eye on them, we need to look for a way in.” Rarity took her own binoculars out.

They had just settled into position when a muffled crack rang out from somewhere in the overgrowth, followed by another a few seconds later. Twilight tried to see where the shot had come from, but the foliage was too dense. She turned back to the guards to see them both lying dead on the floor. She had the uncomfortable realisation that none of their group blended into the surrounding environment at all.

“How many ponies are there in this so-called abandoned planet?” Rainbow quipped before she ducked into the overgrowth. Rarity did the same, pulling Twilight with her.

A third shot struck the ground near Twilight’s hooves, scattering mud into the air. She stumbled back, but before she could react the vox crackled to life.

“To the ponies intruding on mah and mah sisters’ operation, you got ten seconds to explain yourselves or you’ll be explaining yourself to the Empress.

“Oh Empress, not now. Why are the Astartes here of all places?” Rarity quickly fumbled for the vox. “I am Duchess Rarity Belle of house Blueblood. I am leading a sanctioned expedition. Any attempt to hinder me or my ponies work will be met with the full authority of my house.”

“We’re sanctioned?” Rainbow whispered.

“I assume our dear psyker friend has filled out the necessary documentation for this trip, or we wouldn’t be here.”

“Uh, well I don’t really have anything official, as this is supposed to be off the books.” Twilight nervously rubbed her hooves together.

Rarity stared blankly at Twilight, “So you apparently filled out every form, apart from the one we need to prove we are allowed to be here?”

“Applying for permission is a very public process! If we weren’t careful everypony would know what we’re doing!”

“Of course…” Rarity tapped her hoof.

“Well ain’t this a bit of a conundrum,” The Mareine’s reply interrupted their debate.

“Might I suggest we meet face to face? We wouldn’t want anypony to overhear this vox channel.”

“Stay right there, I’ll be there quicker than a speeding bolt shell,” her tone sounded strangely jovial.

Rarity passed the vox back to Rainbow without a word.

A bulky figure in bright orange carapace armour emerged from the clearing. Quite how she had remained hidden wearing that was beyond Twilight. Despite being as large as a draft horse she crossed the clearing with impressive speed, as normal for an Astartes.

As the mare approached everypony apart from Rarity bowed. Rarity stood with a well-practiced posture of polite neutrality, “Thank you for your time, I assure you I will endeavour to take as little of it as possible. However, I don’t believe you’ve introduced yourself, my lady,” her tone had a slight edge to it.

“Ah am Applejack, scout of the of the Orange Sisterhood.” She almost imperceptibly bowed her head.

“And I am Duchess Rarity Belle of Volpone,” Rarity finally bowed.

“Are ya now?” Applejack tone shifted almost immediately. “Ah could ask what a community of planetary folk are doing so far away from their home system.”

“You know of Volpone?” Rarity raised an eyebrow.

“Know of? Ah was recruited from there.”

“Then I expect you will have heard why the community is currently floating up there and not wherever the old planet of Volpone is,” Rarity pointed a hoof vaguely at the sky.

Applejack flinched at the comment, but returned to a professional stance. “And what exactly are ya doing here?”

“As I told you before, we are on sanctioned business investigating these ruins. There appears to be some bandit activity in the area, so we are simple disabling their defences so the rest of our team can move in.”

“Aint that grand? It turns out Ah also need to be securing this place, so Ah think you need to take a step back fer now.”

“As our goals are aligned, would this not be more efficient with the extra ponypower?” Rarity smiled sweetly.

Applejack thought for a few seconds, “Ah have a duty to mah sisters and to the Empress, but as long as you’re not interfering with those Ah don’t see why we can’t do some good old fashioned combined armed combat. Now where was that sanction you were talking about?”

Rarity shot a brief glare at Twilight, “I would be delighted to show you, but paper is one of those things that is so easily left behind in emergencies.”

“Ah’d say that seems mighty convenient for you.” Applejacks face hardened. “Come to think of it, none of you act like planetary folk, skitterin’ about like yer allergic to the open sky.”

“I see two options; either we can wait for our own forces to get here by hoof in about one or two days, and we will resolve this issue by our family court. Or we can get going now, and save us both the hassle.”

“Or yer lying.”

“Perhaps, but I doubt either of us want to waste time waiting around to find out,” Rarity said bluntly.

“Alright, Ah’ll believe ya. If Ah find you’ve been taking me fer a ride…”

“I assure you I am doing nothing of the sort.”

“Let’s get moving then. Just make sure you and yer…” Applejack eyed Angel cautiously, “…support equipment don’t cause more hindrance than help.” she pulled out her bolt pistol and started to make her way towards the archway, pushing the dead bodies of the guards out of sight of the path as she passed them.


Inside the walls didn’t look much better. Whatever had been here had been almost completely buried by thick layers of grass and moss. It looked like it had once been a courtyard of some kind, but it could just as easily be the roof of a long-buried structure. There were any number of hiding places scattered about the ruins. Twilight tried her best to scan the area with her warp sight, but her exhaustion was starting to make concentration difficult.

“Don’t you think there’ll be more guards around?” Twilights voice felt disconcertingly loud.

Applejack scanned the terrain with her thermal binoculars, “Ah’m not seeing any heat signatures. Didn’t see many others while I was back out there either, so we’d best keep moving while we can. They were probably just a small group of looters passing through.”

They reached a large opening in the side of the tower. The bright late afternoon light made the interior impossible to see into for all but Twilight with her warp sight. They gathered behind a large pile of debris close to the entrance. Angel did his best to hide himself with them, but there was only so much a walker nearly three times the height of a pony could do. Applejack reared up to get a higher view of the interior. Twilight watched as she stood comfortably for nearly a minute before returning to the ground.

“Goodness that looks uncomfortable,” Rarity mused.

Twilight’s ears pricked up. “The Astartes have an implant that allows for enhanced movement in an upright position, I forget its specific name.”

“Upright position? I feel upright enough with my four hooves on the ground, thank you very much.”

“It’s just a figure of speech.”

“The place is empty, get moving.” Applejack was already walking inside.

“Who gave you the authority to be giving orders,” Rarity grumbled to herself as she dusted herself clear of dirt.

“You don’t have any proof of who ya are, nor anything to say you can be here. Yer lucky Ah’m giving ya the time of day.”

“Another one of their implants significantly enhances their hearing,” Twilight added.

Rarity exhaled sharply. “Of course it does.”

The grass slowly gave way to rusted metal as they moved further from the outside light. It wasn’t long until everypony had to activate their own personal lumens so they could see. Angel for his part activated his mounted floodlight that was probably too effective at providing light.

After a short search they reached the base of a set of steps, the height of the stairwell extending far beyond the range of their lumens. Even with the rust the structure looked quite solid.

Rainbow carefully put her weight on the step. When nothing happened, she jumped on it to make sure. “I think this is still good. I don’t think Angel’ll fit though.”

Fluttershy looked at the staircase trying to judge if there was a way it could work but eventually shook her head, “I’m sorry Angel, but you’ll have to wait here for us.”

Angel still tried to angle his frame to fit through with minimal success. He finally gave up and kicked a wall in frustration, creating a bang that echoed through the staircase shaft.

“Shhh, it’s frustrating, I know.” Fluttershy gently patted Angel’s side to calm him down. “You need to be careful, or somepony could hear us.”

“You could keep him company Spike. That way if something happens you can send a message to us.” Twilight offered.

“Hey I don’t want to have to babysit some overblown construction equipment!” Spike objected.

Angel glared at Spike, Spike glared back, neither had any eyes so it was up to interpretation how annoyed they actually were about the idea.

“Spike, be nice. You both could get along if you give it a chance.” Twilight said sternly.

Eventually Spike relented, “Ugh, fine.”

“You play nice too Angel. If I hear you’ve been mean to Spike, I’ll have words with you.” Fluttershy gave Angel a firm look.

Twilight and Fluttershy gave their respective machines a goodbye hug before quickly catching up with the rest of the group.

They began to climb up carefully, only stopping for Applejack to scan ahead. The inside of the buildings were surprisingly intact. The outside plant life didn’t intrude far beyond the outside light, leaving the rusted metal exposed to the air. The sounds of their hoofsteps were uncomfortably loud now they weren’t being damped by the soft plant cover.

By the time they had reached the twentieth floor Twilight realised she had been much more impressed with the scale when she wasn’t having to climb it. “This place would have been vast! I wonder what kind of research they did in here?”

Applejack stopped looking through her scope and looked over to Twilight. “How’d you work that out? Looks more like an old military outpost to me.”

“Oh not this part. I found records that suggest that there was a complex that covered much of the old surface. I would guess this was one of the outer guard walls.”

“That’s funny ‘cause last Ah heard information about this planet was confidential. Mind enlightening me as to how exactly you came across it,” Applejacks forehoof was far closer to her bolt pistol than Twilight felt safe with.

“Uh, we keep a record for the expected tithe of every planet our house has monitored. It contains a record of known structures and… uhh other useful information,” Twilight smiled awkwardly and slowly backed away.

“Fer a planet that’s been abandoned fer thousands of years?”

Twilight nodded, “It’s good to have complete records, just in case.”

Rarity looked around at the dense forest and rusted metal corridors, the two blending to the point where she wasn’t sure where one transitioned to the other. “I can’t imagine they’ll be particularly accurate anymore.”

“We’ll update them!”


The rest of the journey to the top was an unnervingly quiet one. The final room looked like it had been a small aircraft hangar. There were signs of recent activity, some small patches had been cleared and a few odd pieces of rubbish scattered about, but still nothing alive.

“The rest of them must have cleared out,” Rainbow sounded somewhat disappointed.

“Complete waste of mah time.” Applejack muttered.

“Disappointed this didn’t turn out to be something more dramatic?” Rainbow said with a smirk.

“This is how most of our deployments go if Ah’m honest, ya just don’t hear about them. It aint the type of stuff ponies want to read about. If there aint any action there aint much point writing about it.”

The hanger door had rusted shut long ago. Thankfully there was a small maintenance door to the side. Outside they were now far above the treeline, probably at the highest point for miles. Without the trees to block it the wind blew with a force that some would call refreshing, but to Twilight was just unpleasantly strong.

A trail of cables led to a spot where the vines had been cleared from part of the wall revealing a battered cogitator.

“That looks like the control for the defences. Give me a few minutes to commune with the spirit.” Fluttershy hurried over to the cogitatior.

Twilight looked out to the vast open sky, then to the long drop to the ground, “I think I’ll stay inside. I can keep watch while you work.”

“I will contact Corporal Pie and let her know we will be ready shortly.” Rarity was not eager to wait outside either.

Twilight did her best to try to relax, but the sound of the howling wind outside did little to calm her nerves. Even beyond that she could still feel the indistinct background energy, which, while not outwardly malicious, still frustratingly blocked any attempt to divine a source.

Applejack and Rainbow checked for a suitable landing spot while they stood guard.

Fluttershy soon returned from outside, “The machine spirit can finally rest.”

“I guess we just go back down and wait then.” Rainbow shrugged.

With their eyes now adjusted to the bright outside they stumbled back into the darkness, back towards the staircase.

Rainbow awkwardly bumped into the pony in front of her. “Give me a second to let my eyes adjust.”

Twilight let the rest of the group pass through, slipping in behind them.

As they rounded the corner to the stairwell, they saw a light that had not been there before illuminating the entrance. Three ponies stood at the top holding crude autoguns.

Applejack was the first to react, quickly drawing her bolt pistol, “Halt! Put down yer weapons or you will answer to the Empress.”

The lead mare just smiled, “Let’s not do anything we both know you might regret.”

Small spots of light started to fill the room as more ponies emerged from the corridors. Behind was still the open air of the landing pad, though the extreme drop meant that only the two with wings had any chance of escaping that way. “I don’t think you are in any position to make demands.”