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Zipp Phase

During one of her routine flights Zipp gets a phone call from her sister to meet her at Izzys for a special gift, what kind of unicycled gift has Izzy prepared the royal sisters and why did it send them to a familiar abandoned city?

Chapters (2)

Comments ( 2 )

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Chronicler06

Chronicler06 #1 · Jul 24th, 2023 · · · Lightning Crystal ·

The concept intrigues me, but I just can't read something that's so poorly formatted. By far the biggest thing that should be cleaned up here is that you must always start a new paragraph whenever a different character speaks or does something. As it is right now with those big bricks of text, it's extremely difficult to figure out who is speaking, which is why it's necessary to have separate paragraphs for the actions of different characters, regardless of how short such paragraphs might be.

Once you've got that most basic of corrections made, then I might consider actually reading this.

Chronicler06

Chronicler06 #2 · Jul 28th, 2023 · · · Past ·

Well, seeing as you've chosen to completely ignore my basic advice to improve your writing, I'm afraid I must give this story a downvote (as much as I'd rather not, as the concept does still intrigue me). I really do want to help you become a better writer, but the complete lack of response here isn't really giving me much confidence. I'll take back that downvote once you've made the simple series of corrections that'll make this whole story much easier to read, but for now... I just have to be honest with what I'm seeing...