This is the story of three foals, living in all around Equestria, who will be gathered and live exciting adventures together. Follow them in their quest of self-seeking, and finding the true magic of friendship, of course! They will develop themselves in the extraordinary world made by our beloved Lauren Faust.
A few years before nightmare moon incident, this story was in the beginning a script for a session of ''My Little Pony, Roleplaying Is Magc'' with 2 other friends. The foals is between the ages of the mane 6 and the CMC now.
First posted fanfic, constructive criticism blablabla...and sorry for all misspelled words, I'm not even in my first language (I speak french) but I do my best.
My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic and all related belongs to Hasbro, Lauren Faust and Studio B, and Roleplaying Is Magic to Roan Arts. The background of the pic isn't mine, but I (and my friend) made the ponies and I put them here.
Special thanks to Coltbain who inspired me most of the introduction and approved my work. You're a real friend!
Forgive me for asking, but...is English your first language.
To be honest, this isn't all that bad. The story is actually, at least to me, pretty original.
Although there are tons of grammatical and spelling errors, I was actually able to read this. It didn't seem rushed, the characters don't appear to be Gary-Stu's, and you actually made new paragraphs when a new pony spoke. That's something that several first-timers forget to do. So, kudos!
So, if you were to get a proof reader or something along those lines, this story could be much better.
PS: The end had me feeling a bit
Yeah, I agree. I could barely read past the first several paragraphs. This is chock-full of errors. You really need to look into that-- maybe go to one of the groups here on the website that give editing help.
this was a bit hard on my vision balls but i still gave it a like, looking forward to more
I can tell this is rather rushed, and I see quite a few typos here and there. It seems the main problem is that you do a lot of "tell" more than "show". I recommend fleshing out the details more.
And quite honestly, get an editor or a proofreader. It can help you immensely.
1460539 No, my first language is french. I'm still 16, I've a lot to improve. But I will try to do better for the next chapter.
I will find a proofreader too, I've a lot of friends on facebook who wanted to help me. But thank you all for the reply!
Personally, it isn't the greatest story so far, but I can see a lot of potential in this, I'll keep a close eye on this, giving a like for support cuz I'm nice like dat :3
Behold the might of the TWE! Now, let my beard and me check this thing.
… Well, aside from the grammar issues and typos, to which I can only recommend a proofreader or editor, the story isn’t that bad. I’m surprised that this got so many downvotes.
However, there ARE some issues that I would like to point out.
-Tenses. You change from present to past during narration. You should stick to a tense, either present or past (past is easier to write and it doesn’t give many problems)
-Exclamation marks!!! Use only one. If the character is shouting and asking a question, then you can use both question and exclamation mark. If you want to emphasize that he’s yelling during this, you use italics. For example, when Desmon said “What!!!” a correct way would be “What?!”
-A bit more emotion during dialogues would work. And some showing, too. This is the first chapter, and we have characters we don’t know about. What to do, you say? Well, describe them appropriately for starters. To put an example, we know that Desmon is a unicorn (race? Check) and has long white mane (I assume the tail is also white, so check). However, the color of his coat is never mentioned. Coltbain suffers much more about this, because we know that he’s a unicorn and… he’s Vinyl’s son and… of a now deceased stallion… but no, aside from being a unicorn, no physical description.
-Chronological clusterfuck: This is my beard being nitpicky, but if this really happened a few years before Nightmare Moon’s return, I have the feeling that Vinyl was a teen mother at most. I mean, she has around the same age as the main characters and, just the fact that THIS part with the colt is already years before the Nightmare Moon thingie, she HAD to get pregnant WAY before that. Just something to think about.
All and all, I’d like to know more about these characters, and not only pshysically. Check your grammar with a pre-reader (there are a few groups here that could help you, including us), fight that show vs tell and you might be onto something good. Just bear in mind, though, that if you’re using a script of a tabletop game, you have a mighty difficulty here. Tabletop games have a lot to do with rulebooks and all, and writing that in a way that doesn’t read like a gaming session is a feat, but I’ll see what you can do with this.
Signing off,
Simon o’ Sullivan and beard, TWE’s Manly Reviewers of Manly Fics i.imgur.com/3lZia.png?1
All right all right all right, let's get this checklist rolling! dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/Vinyl_Scratch_lolface.png
Potential Badfic Checklist™ (v2.2)
By OtterMatt - TWE's Resident Master of Music
Pre-read
Picture of an OC in General Zoi's ponymaker or MSPaint
Nonsense salad of genre tags
Synopsis that is too long or explains the plot
Summary is full of gramatical errors
Appeal for kindness or first fic excuse
Drawing attention to the writing rather than the story
Multiple chapters under 900 words
In-story
Atrocious grammar
Absent spelling
Boring sentence construction
Wanton cruelty to the common comma
Main character who makes me want to shoot him
Plot that has no business being set in Equestria
Wall-o-text syndrome
Insta-kills
Use of an unjustified alicorn
Unoriginal Human/Brony-in-Equestria
Author insert or wish-fulfilment story
Canon ponies acting wildly out of character
Black-Hole Sue Syndrome
Rating: 3.5/5 Pinkies
Verdict:
motores.com.py/foro/index.php?attachments/not-bad-obama_reasonably_small-png.265132/
Some ending thoughts...
I know you mentioned that English wasn't your first language, and it shows, but you're really off to a great start so far. Your sentence construction isn't terribly varied, but again, for a second language, you're doing a hell of a lot better than I would if I tried to write in Spanish.
My main thing, though, is are you serious with those names?! Those are some of the most absurd character names I've heard come down in quite a while, and they completely don't match the style of the show characters.
That out of the way, I'll say again, you're doing well. Keep it up, find yourself a good prereader, and write long and prosper!
djotter.blossers.net/TWE%20Badge.png
A note to your writing skills,
It's not that bad, but it can seriously use some work.
1461964 Thanks for this, it'S REALLY helping me. I will work on this.
1462632 Well... the names are the ones my friends pick, I can't change them because they goes with their personalty. But I agree that Desmon Whitehorn is not really the best name my friend could choose. Coltbain is IRL a fan of grunge music (Coltbain Scratchorn/Kurt Cobain) and even inspired his personnalty from the artist. But the others I will include will be from my own imagination or from Lauren.
The first chapter has almost a thousand of words so far, I'm working on it and I will probably modify a little bit the intro too.