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Snake

Rainbow Dash is dying. With no cure for her condition, her friends have done their best to make her final days as comfortable as possible. However, Applejack seems happier than she's been in ages. After catching Rainbow alone, Applejack shows her why.

Chapters (1)

Comments ( 4 )

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Orderly Disassembly

Orderly Disassembly #1 · Nov 12th, 2022 · 7 · ·

Two big criticisms on first glance.
1. A good number of your paragraphs are too large and blocky
2. There isn’t much substance to the story. It fells more like a scene than a whole fic. If that’s what you’re going for, then you accomplished it, but it’s very barebones as it is now. (By substance I mean a string of meaningful events. Here you just had RD get up, leave someplace to visit Fluttershy, and have her get murdered by AJ)

Huk

Huk #2 · Nov 13th, 2022 · 1 · ·

I agree with newbie on the lack of substance.

Without an explanation of why Applejack was trying to kill Dash, it feels kind of bland. Note that even grimdark classics like 'Cupcakes' or 'Sweet Apple Massacre' had the character's motivations provided. They might have been simplistic, but they were there. This story could use it too.

Other than that... it was a pretty OK story. It got a like from me :