Sometimes ponies are mean to hide their feelings
Chapters (4)
Skandranon
Joined 6th Sep, 2012 ·
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The description pretty much gives away the whole story.
The pacing is strange, to say the least. Minor grammar issues abound as well.
I liked it one of the few non gore fics with this filly
Decent, but you need to double space inbeteen the paragraphs, also do announce what they are feeling. describe it.
1310487
yeah it does, I forgot which box showed the overall description and which was supposed to be more descriptive for the submission process so
got them mixed up, my bad.
this chapter is a bit rough, had trouble getting through it but the rest of the story I have a firm grasp on and should be much smoother and
easier to read.
KingofSquirrelz thanks for the tip, always appreciate the feedback, I'll get on that soon, hopefully tonight and most of chapter two but am kinda busy since theres a big mtg tournament this saturday i'm playtesting for. after that no more distractions :)
Nice and it shows she has a real talent.
I really like this story it's very nice. I can't wait to see where this leads.
Strange with your name I would have expected a story about gryphons. Give my best to
Zhaneel. Good story it's hard to make Diamond Tiara likeable.
Bronzedragon, you are awesome, very few people have ever picked up on my screen name.
Hearing others have read the series is always great to hear.
Also my next story I'm gonna work on after this one will most likely have at least one gryphon in it
I have the entire Valdemar series, good reading. On a similar note try the Dragon Riders of Pern by Anne McCaffrey or just about anything by Andre Norton.
B.D.
Bronzedragon, you are in perfect sync with me. I have read all those already and consider Anne McCaffrey and Mercedes Lackey some
of my favorite authors ever, along with others like Orson Scott Card (all the ender books are great but a little less known but also amazing
are the empire books by him) and Alan Dean Foster.
nice and one of the few fic's that dont have dimond tiara dieing or being abused by another pony good job sir
I was at a mtg grand prix qualifier all day today and managed to get 2nd, so I'm really tired and won't be getting the next chapter
finished today, but I should have it done tomorrow, sorry for the delay.
This was a good story. I enjoyed the whole bully redemption, self discovery plot you had throughout the story. The grammar is handled well, the formatting is nice and as a whole it's well made, but now that the praise is over her comes the Red Pen or criticisms.
There were several plot points that you brought up only to drop them. There are a lot of missed opportunities. You bring up that Filthy Rich emotionally distances himself from his daughter, yet you never bring it up again or resolve the issue. You have Diamond befriend the Apple family and once more that never comes up again, unless you count Applebloom's one line. There is her lack of bullying the CMC that could be brought up and expanded upon. The fact that Sweetie Belle is Diamond's blood relative (cousin) is never discussed in the fic. One would figure that she would know the name of her close relatives. It feels like a movie where scenes were cut to meet a certain running time and as a result it feels a tad incomplete.
Like I said this is a good story, but with all it's missed opportunities and unresolved issues, it is held back from being a great story.
On a rating scale it would get a 3 out 5.
*** / *****
1329116
Thank you, your red pen is appreciated. I especially like how on each of my mistakes you clearly say how
I messed up so I know how I can improve in the future. This was originally just a short story I was doing
because
a.when an idea gets in my head it won't leave till I write it down
b.I wanted something to take a break and do while my next story was coming together in my head
A few of the unresolved you mentioned I did intend to address in the continuation of the story when I came
back to this, others I missed and am glad they were pointed out so I'll also be able to resolve them too
I will keep all this in mind and I believe it will help me in my next story and I would appreciate thewaffler
if when I start my next story if you would read it with the same amount of critism and alert me of any mistakes
I make.
Lastly since somethings sometimes are construed wrong in words let me be sure that you know none of the
above is sarcasm, I truly do appreciate your input, thank you