Forever haunted by his past, Johny travels to Ponyville in an effort to finally find peace. There he finds something that may finally lay the past to rest... and he might get a chance to exact revenge on the cause of all his troubles.
Chapters (3)
the man with no name
Joined 18th Sep, 2012 ·
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No comments yet? Well, time to be first!
Let's take a quick look here, shall we?
We'll start with the title.
Alright, your capitalization is a bit off here. Remember, capitalizing for a title isn't the same as normal capitalization rules. All significant words and the first word are always capitalized. Now, what is a significant word? Nouns, pronouns, verbs, adverbs, and adjectives. Now, of course, there are exceptions (ex: "is" is usually not capitalized), but that's the general rule.
So, a properly capitalized title would look something like:
Now, the chapter title appears to suffer the same problem (with a misspelling of the word "friends"). So it should look like this:
And finally, the description.
Hoboy. Your spelling is actually pretty solid, but you forgot to put a space after each comma. And then the content itself doesn't convey the meaning very well. It's a rather bland tone when you're going for something a little darker and more foreboding.
So, try this instead:
I also noticed that your first chapter is only 668 words. First of all, I'm fairly certain that site rules require at least 1000 in your story before you can post it. Secondly, it takes a special skill to write very short chapters properly. Many authors fail miserably at such a task. However, if you insist on going the short chapter route, take a look at this story for an example of short chapters executed wonderfully.
You may have noticed that it seems I never opened the story itself. Well, that's because I didn't. You see, the title, the description, the tags, the word count, etc. are all key aspects of the story. They're what draws the reader to the story. A well-written and interesting description can be the difference between obscurity and feature box. So, you see, that's why I didn't open the story. The description and title were lacking and spoke of an inexperienced author. That implication, when combined with the small word count, didn't exactly make me eager to read the story. This is why I spent all my time fixing up those things, so that you can properly draw the reader in, get yourself some views, and encourage some actual thoughts on your story rather than on its premise and cover.
Cheers.
1311808
...Whaaat?
Well, I'd appreciate it if he didn't delete mine. Or if he does, it'd be nice if he takes what I said into consideration...
1311641
There have been about 10 different comments about that length and he has deleted ALL of them.
1312055
I've saved mine as well.
1312363 Looks like I wasn't smart enough.
I had an extensive and well thought out review, but it was deleted in its entirety, and I was too stupid to think of saving it.
Take two... on a different fic.
1313071
Huh. Mine is still there. dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_TwilightWut.png
1314300 It appears that he took my advice on changing up his description a little, and then deleted my comment. Mine stayed for a while, too, before it was deleted.
Seriously, the description as it is now was not how it was when I read the story, and if I remember correctly, he took some of the phrases I used in the sample description and used them word-for-word.
1314423
Well, my thingy has his description quoted. He hasn't changed anything since my comment was made. He has, however, capitalized things.
1314430 Hm... he must have changed the description before you read it. When I first posted my review, it wasn't how it is now, and I made some suggestions on how to improve it.
GRRR. Dark and edgy as fuck. Fuckin' dangerous fella, I'm tellin you.