Me and Twilight were going meet her friends that she would't stop talking about. When we made it to her friends it was already close to the afternoon, "Johny these are my friends Rarity, Rainbow dash,Pinkie pie, Applejack, and Fluttershy," said Twilight pointing to the other ponies. They were looking at my face directly where my scar is located. "Are you looking at my scar?" I asked in an annoyed voice.
They hurried and looked away from my face maybe because they thought it would offend me, "Well it's nice to meet you all you can call me Johny," I said with a kind voice. Rainbow dash looked at me, "Well it's nice to meet you Johny, where are you from?" she had the strangest look as if I was going to attack them or something.
"I don't live anywhere I travel almost all the time," I said. Fluttershy left and went to her house.
"What's wrong with her?" I asked Twilight. Twilight looked at me, "Fluttershy isn't good with meeting new ponies," Twilight explained. ''So Johny where did you live as a child?," asked Rainbow Dash. "Well you see I lived in an orphanage, but before that I lived with my mother and father," I had said trying to keep a straight face.
"Rainbow Dash please don't get into his personal life," said Rarity. I looked at her and pulled out my knife and placed it down."What in the Celestia's name is that?" Asked Pinkie Pie. "This is the knife that made this scar on my left eye I was attacked it was also the same day my parents died," I looked at them there eyes were in shock and looked a bit sad for me, "Well that is very sad to hear," Pinkie Pie told me with a tear in her eye."You don't have to fell sorry," I paused for a minute "That's why i'm here, my house is not that far away from here I think he is still there, and if I find him I will have my revenge," They all began to look at me with fear "Listen just because he destroyed your life, you can still forgive him," asked Rarity. I looked at Rarity in pure rage, "FORGIVE,WHY WOULD I FORGIVE THAT MONSTER?!" They looked at me and Rarity was shaking when I yelled at her in anger.
"Johney why don't you go get some rest, and calm down, " Twilight said calming me down, "Alright Twilight," I began to head back to the library when I heard the voice of that monster that killed my mother in my head over and over again like a broken record. When I got to the library I got the book on weapons, and flipped back to the page where I read more about the knife which I soon found out it was a dagger created with special powers that could paralyze the user's enemy where they can't move their limbs and will help the user fight them.The next few hours I saw Fluttershy come into the library, "Hi Johney what are you doing?" she asked in that low voice she has. "Hey Fluttershy, can I ask you a question?" I asked. "Sure, what is it?" she looked at me, I took a deep breath, "Why were you so nervous when I was with the others?" She looked at me and continued to read the book "I was just a bit scared of you," I looked at her and said , "Hey, don't worry, I won't bite you or anything," She began to laugh quietly. "I know what it is like to get easily nervous," I told her giving off a smile. A few hours had passed and the sun began to set. "Well thanks for helping me out Fluttershy it was very nice of you I'll probably see you tomorrow," I told her watching her leave.
"See you later Johney," said Fluttershy as she walked out the door. It began to get dark so I went to bed I was planning to find out more information on what was that thing that killed my parents.
No comments yet? Well, time to be first!
Let's take a quick look here, shall we?
We'll start with the title.
Alright, your capitalization is a bit off here. Remember, capitalizing for a title isn't the same as normal capitalization rules. All significant words and the first word are always capitalized. Now, what is a significant word? Nouns, pronouns, verbs, adverbs, and adjectives. Now, of course, there are exceptions (ex: "is" is usually not capitalized), but that's the general rule.
So, a properly capitalized title would look something like:
Now, the chapter title appears to suffer the same problem (with a misspelling of the word "friends"). So it should look like this:
And finally, the description.
Hoboy. Your spelling is actually pretty solid, but you forgot to put a space after each comma. And then the content itself doesn't convey the meaning very well. It's a rather bland tone when you're going for something a little darker and more foreboding.
So, try this instead:
I also noticed that your first chapter is only 668 words. First of all, I'm fairly certain that site rules require at least 1000 in your story before you can post it. Secondly, it takes a special skill to write very short chapters properly. Many authors fail miserably at such a task. However, if you insist on going the short chapter route, take a look at this story for an example of short chapters executed wonderfully.
You may have noticed that it seems I never opened the story itself. Well, that's because I didn't. You see, the title, the description, the tags, the word count, etc. are all key aspects of the story. They're what draws the reader to the story. A well-written and interesting description can be the difference between obscurity and feature box. So, you see, that's why I didn't open the story. The description and title were lacking and spoke of an inexperienced author. That implication, when combined with the small word count, didn't exactly make me eager to read the story. This is why I spent all my time fixing up those things, so that you can properly draw the reader in, get yourself some views, and encourage some actual thoughts on your story rather than on its premise and cover.
Cheers.
1311808
...Whaaat?
Well, I'd appreciate it if he didn't delete mine. Or if he does, it'd be nice if he takes what I said into consideration...
1311641
There have been about 10 different comments about that length and he has deleted ALL of them.
1312055
I've saved mine as well.
1312363 Looks like I wasn't smart enough.
I had an extensive and well thought out review, but it was deleted in its entirety, and I was too stupid to think of saving it.
Take two... on a different fic.
1313071
Huh. Mine is still there. dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_TwilightWut.png
1314300 It appears that he took my advice on changing up his description a little, and then deleted my comment. Mine stayed for a while, too, before it was deleted.
Seriously, the description as it is now was not how it was when I read the story, and if I remember correctly, he took some of the phrases I used in the sample description and used them word-for-word.
1314423
Well, my thingy has his description quoted. He hasn't changed anything since my comment was made. He has, however, capitalized things.
1314430 Hm... he must have changed the description before you read it. When I first posted my review, it wasn't how it is now, and I made some suggestions on how to improve it.