Cheerilee, Toola Roola, and Starsong have been friends for a long time, but now they must adjust to the responsibilities of being grown up. Features 5 of the mane six as supporting characters.
Chapters (2)
Kipakuta
Joined 24th Dec, 2011 ·
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Ahhh, here it is. Excellent.
I didn't know you had finished. Good stuff.
This is pretty good... Although, it's odd to see a slice-of-life plus alt-universe piece. Usually when we go to another dimension it's done to turn basic assumptions about characters and settings on their heads and do something epic. This is very mild compared with most of them. And I don't think there's anything here that really calls for a sad tag.
201125
Being the pre-reader for this, I feel I must rise in its defense.
It is alt-universe in that prior generations are seamlessly integrated into it. And you even get to see the straddle characters (Like Cheerilee) integrating them. Plus I loved the romance between Cheerilee and Toola Roola.
The Sad part, really, is Cheerilee and Toola Roola having their big fight. It's kind of tough when it's clear the two like each other and sort of lean on one another.
Just remember, I do this because I think you have talent and going over past stories will help you grow.
going to, doesn't No pause, no comma.
"Besides, I-it's only for a few years." Implying something or misplaced capitalization?
, and get our degrees, You don't need those commas, no need for a pause.
, with a red and black, See above.
The group separated, then Toola hugged the stallion, while Cheerilee gathered their luggage. Clumsy wording.
his daughters Missing apostrophe.
"Now go. Orphaned quote.
embrace, as Comma unneeded.
breath, and Not strictly needed and reads better without.
There were probably more grammar issues, but I most likely blocked them out while reading.
As for the story itself, the characters felt very bland except in the most annoying of ways, by which I mean Starsong's speech; holy crap, her dialogue makes me want to staple her jaws together. Now, this could be intentional, but either way it is quite grating. The use of Rarity worked out well enough, but RD and Shy's scene just felt off, almost like they were caricatures rather than characters. The pacing felt rushed, the interactions awkward, insert other new writer mistakes, etc.
Oh, and if you want to have an alcoholic substance made of grapes, just say wine damn it! Hell, you say wine in French.
P.S. Pennsylvania takes you out of it. Either use something like Ponysylvania or an established city.
3 young fillies / 2 rolled / 3 young ponies / 10 or above / 11' as the result. All 3 What have you learned?
them, then / , with an orange and white mane, / halt, just / couple, and / tree, with / doing, and / paper, and Murder the commas.
"La grande derriere Cheerilee Now that's just uncalled for.
hair. The / critters. / to the young pony. / pair of dice. / item. "This Now this is where a comma is needed.
foals, Your parents fillies, your parents Foals in that case would be calling them babies, not kids. Either use kids (they have goats, it could have crept in) or fillies. It's just a context thing.
"Presents!" All three fillies exclaimed All does not need to be capitalized as it is continuing the sentence. I think there were a few instances of this in chapter one as well.
, the 3 fillies Combo pointless comma and number.
ho." A / yours?" The pegasus / like Royalty Another unneeded capital.
delivered. A quotation mark needs a good home.
Okay, that's a start. I can't enjoy the story and nitpick at the same time.
I'm so hungry, I could eat a tree." Nice line.
"She's down here Dash." A stallion called out. Previous capitalization issue aside, I don't think Big Mac would call to her like that even if he knew her name by this point.
sofirst Spacing.
demented ditties Proper noun.
Border Patrol, that makes a lot of sense; you do have to wonder where Shy's bits come from.
Holy shit Cheerliee! Calm down. (I know there has to be some other long-term issues at work here, but the lack of history makes this whole thing kind of weird. In media res only works for so long.)
....Well that was resolved quickly.
Roama and Las Neighgas, going to change those for continuity?
Scene whiplash and Derpy bomb, one is a good thing, one is bad.
The Rarity paragraph is so fucking awkwardly written; the sentence structure makes it sound like an eight-year old wrote it.
Toola can't blow up a balloon...really?
Cherry! Cheery!
Again, awkward use of main mares, though nothing that can't be smoothed out. Pinkie was more obnoxious than she needed to be.
Okay, not a bad first try. I can see where Silver Sabbatical came from, but I can tell there was a lot of time in between the writing.