The Great and Powerful Embarrassment

by Iroh

Meeting with Celestia

After saying goodbye to all her friends and packing, Twilight sat on her balcony, waiting for the chariot that Celestia should have sent by now. She didn't have to wait long before a royal two-pegasus chariot landed in front of the library. Twilight somberly walked out of her home and into the chariot. Without any discussion, they took off towards Canterlot.

The chariot dropped Twilight off right in front off the throne room and departed as soon as Twilight stepped onto the ground. The sullen mare slowly walked into the throne room, feeling like she was walking straight into a pit of snakes. When she entered, Twilight noticed that there was not a single pony in the throne room besides Celestia, who was wearing the same disappointing glare as the night before.

That look lasted about one more second before Celestia broke out laughing. Just then Twilight noticed the banner hung above her that read "YOU FELL FOR IT!" After a few more minutes Twilight reasoned that Celestia was not going to stop laughing any time soon, and let herself out.

Sometimes her teachers little pranks went a bit too far. Twilight was going to have to make big plans for payback this time

Comments

[Iroh]

1280110
Relax man, from other comments I guessed that that would be an issue. I wrote a quick second chapter of how I thought it would play out.

[Iroh]

1280258
That "obvious discomfort" was something I edited in, probably shouldn't have done that

My basic defense to this is 1: Celestia holds Twilight to a much higher standard, she is the princesses student after all 2: its Trollestia, that's kind of the point.

Anyway, thanks for the feedback, its good to see that someone is willing to put for the effort to voice their opinion. If I ever do write again (probably not though) I'll remember the gist of your points and try to apply them to the new story.

[RaptorCalloftheShadows]

*jaw drops so hard it creates an earthquake* D:

...

TROLLESTIA YOU MAGNIFICENT BASTARD~!

[Iroh]

1280445
damn, I should have used that line.

[Scribblestick]

Time to review!

1) I liked the initial setup. It made sense for Trixie to want revenge/redemption, and I thought you did a good job with her character.

2) But once you got to Ponyville, it started to fall apart for me. Why do the ponies think Trixie's return will lead to another Ursa attack? That was brought on by Snips and Snails, not Trixie. Sure, they were doing it in defense of their idol, but Twilight made sure they learned their lesson the first time, so what makes anypony think it will happen again?

3) Why does anypony care about Trixie's 'challenge?' Twilight defeated her quite soundly the first time, so there's certainly nothing to prove. There's no purpose in accepting the challenge.

4) For that reason, I can't see AJ or Rarity trying to pressure Twilight into accepting the challenge. AJ wouldn't stand for any of Trixie's tricks, and Rarity would dismiss her as a washed-up has-been.

5) Ignoring that, I have a hard time seeing Twilight accept the challenge. To my knowledge, she has never used her magic for its own sake. There's always a definite purpose, even if it's just to carry something with a levitation spell. The only possible exception I can think of is when she gave Snips, Snails, and Spike mustaches, and that was hardly the kind of showy magic you have her performing here. If she did accept, she certainly wouldn't be so extravagant. She's practical and level-headed (except when she has a letter overdue), not showy and flamboyant. Basically, you turned her into Trixie in the course of just a few minutes. I can't buy that.

6) Celestia. I'll admit, I'm not a fan of the whole Trollestia thing, so I'm afraid we'll never come to an agreement on this. 1280258 summed up my opinion quite nicely, so I'll spare you the repetition. Though I will point out there's a difference (in my mind, at least) between trolling and what Celestia did. Trolling (in my opinion) is something meant to irritate another person without really causing harm, much like a practical joke. What Celestia did was destroy Twilight's reputation and self-esteem in front of all her friends and her town for (as 1280258 pointed out) no real reason.

7) MAKE "TRIXIE'S" DISTRESS OBVIOUS. Two sentences in the middle of Twilight's act is nowhere near enough. Since the whole twist hinges on this detail, you have to make it clear.

8) Why does everypony bow to Trixie at the end? She has done nothing to regain their respect. The fact that Twilight abused her powers does not make Trixie better. She's still just a show-off with mediocre abilities and a knack for showcasing them well.

9) On a word choice note, you refer to Twilight at one point as a 'prodigal mage' (or at least, that's what I understood). 'Prodigal' means someone who is wastefully or recklessly extravagant, which as I said earlier, doesn't really fit Twi's character. Another connotation is a person who has fallen from grace and who is perhaps trying to make amends, which, again, doesn't fit Twilight. If this was meant to refer to Trixie, it works, but if not, I think the word you want is 'prodigious,' meaning extraordinary.

Well, those are my thoughts. I don't think this is a terrible story, per se, but there was enough 'off' about it to make me dislike it. Best of luck in the future.

[Iroh]

1281348
Damn, you're right.

two points though: they bow to Trixie because the last time Trixie was on that stage, she was Celestia, guess I didn't make that reasoning clear. I originally wrote prodigy, but realized that it didn't fit grammatically and swapped the words without thinking about it.

I didn't expect people to analyse this very much though, its supposed to be just a little comedy fic that you read through once then forget about, I honestly did not expect anyone to care. I know that that's not an excuse, its just my explanation.

[Scribblestick]

1281914 Ah, confusing her with Celestia makes sense. Yeah, I'd make that clearer.

I can take nonsense in comedy, but inconsistencies ruin pretty much everything for me. That's why I over-analyzed it (that and I tend to over-analyze everything). Judging by your like/dislike ratio, there are others who take this as you meant it to be.

[Iroh]

1281983
Really, I'm just happy to have any likes at all. I am very much a math and science oriented person, I decided to write this as more of an experiment than anything else. There is no better way to find out if I'm a good writer than to write. The answer, I found, is that no, I am not a good writer

[Scribblestick]

1282240 No one starts as a good writer. If this was your first time, it was pretty good. You don't 'find out' if you're a good writer by writing so much as you become a good writer by writing. Seriously, take what you've learned and make your next story even better.

[Iroh]

1282264
Who said anything about next story?

Oh wait, I did... a while back, I wish I could undo my words.

EDIT: Oh right I can undo my words, Yay!

[Ninja Kraken]

1285466

HEADCANON CONFLICT DETECTED
(although, for the record, I side with you on this one; I think it's just a mischievous side as well)