A year after the incident with the Ursa in Ponyville, Trixie thinks back to that day and comes up with a plan to get back in the spotlight. Trixie returns to Ponyville for a magic competition... things don't go exacty as planned
Chapters (2)
- Member Since 23rd Jun, 2012
- offline last seen Jun 11th, 2013
Iroh
Just a guy who really likes pony fanfics, I cant write at all, but I love reading them.
Iroh
Joined 23rd Jun, 2012 ·
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Let me know what you think. This is my first fic by the way. As you can see above, it is my first for a reason
Anyway, I'll read (or at least try to read) every comment, and reply to those that I think I should reply to, negative or positive, though I'm expecting more of the former.
Oh shit, what?
That was... odd. I've just spent 5 minutes trying to expand on that, but I can't think of anything else to say.
I dunno... why would Celestia set Twilight up like that? Doesn't make much sense. (But then again, what does?)
Anyway, still an entertaining read but that ending just seems weird, to me at least.
1279860>>1279924
Welcome to Twilight's perspective.
Honestly, that was pretty much the desired effect of the story.
1279927
I have Trollestia as part of my head cannon.
And even if that wasn't the case, it's a test, it was meant to be a set up. you have a good point though, I should have taken that more into consideration. Maybe I'll edit it later. Or possibly add a second chapter to clarify.
Interesting plot twist!
I feel sort of bad for Twilight.
On a side note, there are a few punctuation errors here and there.
On another side note, ever since Sonic Rainboom I've wondered what Twilight would look like with wings created by a wing spell.
Wait a minute, what in the Holy name of Heaven just happened here? Why did Celestia set up Twilight? What became of Twilight? Was she sent back to Magic Kindergarten? If this is supposed to be a one shot, then it's certainly one of the most confusing ever made. At least make a second chapter, or an aftermath chapter, or some sort of epilogue. I have no clue what just happened here and there needs to be clarification.
1280110
Relax man, from other comments I guessed that that would be an issue. I wrote a quick second chapter of how I thought it would play out.
Ha! I loved this. I only saw about two errors during my first read-through, but it was enjoyable.
You know - I actually liked this story initially, and then I thought about it, because something felt "off".
And then I realized what my problem was, and why I ultimately dislike the story.
It was pure and total entrapment - and there really wasn't enough "Twilight ignoring Trixie's discomfort" to deserve punishment.
Reading back: Trixie calls out Twilight. Twilight even gave Trixie two times to NOT do the competion. And when it does start, the competittion has the simple rules of "Beat that". The rules are thus set.
Twilight matched Trixie trick for trick during the first two passes - that's utterly fair. To be honest - Trixie wasn't even looking THAT discomfitted for the first trick.
After that - Twilight did her improv thing - she is doing it WITHOUT taking enjoyment out of beating Trixie. It's not like Twlight was smack talking back, or bragging herself. She was simply abiding by the rules for the competition that 'Trixie' set out, and enjoying the use of her special talent to entertain the crowd. And as far as:
"That is exactly what you did here Twilight, you made poor ‘Trixie’ feel like a foal compared to you. I made her distress as obvious as I could, and you didn’t even have the decency to apologize.”
There is my one core problem with the story. From the reader's standpoint - that "obvious discomfort" was exactly two sentences TOTAL in the middle of Twilight's act. ("It would be more accurate to say that Trixie looked like a depressed dear in headlights" and "to the small whimper of the mare next to trying to contain her tears."). As far as everyone else is concerned - they are enjoying a genuinely virtuoso performance by a master magician.
Besides - that doesn't even consider the idea that you don't ever give up in the middle of a competition- You're *supposed* to do your best.
I understand it was supposed to be an object lesson, or even some Trollestia. But to be honest - Twilight did nothing wrong - even BEFORE the added epilogue.
(And then you wrote/added the epilogue, and my dislike was complete.)
~~~~~~
My hypothetical response from Twilight:
"Dear Princess Celestia,
You hypocritical *bitch*. You disguise yourself as Trixie and call me out in front of all my friends. I give Trixie multiple chances to back down, but I am then encouraged into a competition to entertain the crowd. I do my best to win, successfully entertaining the crowd, and taking no joy in defeating someone in a competition that I NEVER WANTED IN THE FIRST PLACE! You then proceed bitch me out in front of all the friends you TOLD me to make in Ponyville?
So what exact lesson am I supposed to learn, then Princess?
Never do my best when challenged?
Don't use my powers to entertain people, especially when that is what I being asked to do?
Not to take pride in my special talent?
And after I have spent HOURS dreading your disapproval - it's all some sort of bucking JOKE to you?
Buck you Princess. Buck you ever so hard.
I await my accommodations on the moon.
Your faithful former student,
Twilight Sparkle.
~~~~~~~
I *can* see what you were trying for - but personally, from a writing standpoint - the story had a few flaws.
Trixie's discomfort wasn't obvious enough, and the troll was WAY to much... You do get points for a good humorous misdirection with Trixie, and the writing and grammar were fairly good. So overall I give it a thumbs neutral - with a decided "grrr" at Trollestia.
1280258
That "obvious discomfort" was something I edited in, probably shouldn't have done that
My basic defense to this is 1: Celestia holds Twilight to a much higher standard, she is the princesses student after all 2: its Trollestia, that's kind of the point.
Anyway, thanks for the feedback, its good to see that someone is willing to put for the effort to voice their opinion. If I ever do write again (probably not though) I'll remember the gist of your points and try to apply them to the new story.
The first few paragraphs about Trixie's ego were hilarious.
*jaw drops so hard it creates an earthquake* D:
...
TROLLESTIA YOU MAGNIFICENT BASTARD~!
1280445
damn, I should have used that line.
Time to review!
1) I liked the initial setup. It made sense for Trixie to want revenge/redemption, and I thought you did a good job with her character.
2) But once you got to Ponyville, it started to fall apart for me. Why do the ponies think Trixie's return will lead to another Ursa attack? That was brought on by Snips and Snails, not Trixie. Sure, they were doing it in defense of their idol, but Twilight made sure they learned their lesson the first time, so what makes anypony think it will happen again?
3) Why does anypony care about Trixie's 'challenge?' Twilight defeated her quite soundly the first time, so there's certainly nothing to prove. There's no purpose in accepting the challenge.
4) For that reason, I can't see AJ or Rarity trying to pressure Twilight into accepting the challenge. AJ wouldn't stand for any of Trixie's tricks, and Rarity would dismiss her as a washed-up has-been.
5) Ignoring that, I have a hard time seeing Twilight accept the challenge. To my knowledge, she has never used her magic for its own sake. There's always a definite purpose, even if it's just to carry something with a levitation spell. The only possible exception I can think of is when she gave Snips, Snails, and Spike mustaches, and that was hardly the kind of showy magic you have her performing here. If she did accept, she certainly wouldn't be so extravagant. She's practical and level-headed (except when she has a letter overdue), not showy and flamboyant. Basically, you turned her into Trixie in the course of just a few minutes. I can't buy that.
6) Celestia. I'll admit, I'm not a fan of the whole Trollestia thing, so I'm afraid we'll never come to an agreement on this. 1280258 summed up my opinion quite nicely, so I'll spare you the repetition. Though I will point out there's a difference (in my mind, at least) between trolling and what Celestia did. Trolling (in my opinion) is something meant to irritate another person without really causing harm, much like a practical joke. What Celestia did was destroy Twilight's reputation and self-esteem in front of all her friends and her town for (as 1280258 pointed out) no real reason.
7) MAKE "TRIXIE'S" DISTRESS OBVIOUS. Two sentences in the middle of Twilight's act is nowhere near enough. Since the whole twist hinges on this detail, you have to make it clear.
8) Why does everypony bow to Trixie at the end? She has done nothing to regain their respect. The fact that Twilight abused her powers does not make Trixie better. She's still just a show-off with mediocre abilities and a knack for showcasing them well.
9) On a word choice note, you refer to Twilight at one point as a 'prodigal mage' (or at least, that's what I understood). 'Prodigal' means someone who is wastefully or recklessly extravagant, which as I said earlier, doesn't really fit Twi's character. Another connotation is a person who has fallen from grace and who is perhaps trying to make amends, which, again, doesn't fit Twilight. If this was meant to refer to Trixie, it works, but if not, I think the word you want is 'prodigious,' meaning extraordinary.
Well, those are my thoughts. I don't think this is a terrible story, per se, but there was enough 'off' about it to make me dislike it. Best of luck in the future.
1281348
Damn, you're right.
two points though: they bow to Trixie because the last time Trixie was on that stage, she was Celestia, guess I didn't make that reasoning clear. I originally wrote prodigy, but realized that it didn't fit grammatically and swapped the words without thinking about it.
I didn't expect people to analyse this very much though, its supposed to be just a little comedy fic that you read through once then forget about, I honestly did not expect anyone to care. I know that that's not an excuse, its just my explanation.
1281914 Ah, confusing her with Celestia makes sense. Yeah, I'd make that clearer.
I can take nonsense in comedy, but inconsistencies ruin pretty much everything for me. That's why I over-analyzed it (that and I tend to over-analyze everything). Judging by your like/dislike ratio, there are others who take this as you meant it to be.
1281983
Really, I'm just happy to have any likes at all. I am very much a math and science oriented person, I decided to write this as more of an experiment than anything else. There is no better way to find out if I'm a good writer than to write. The answer, I found, is that no, I am not a good writer
1282240 No one starts as a good writer. If this was your first time, it was pretty good. You don't 'find out' if you're a good writer by writing so much as you become a good writer by writing. Seriously, take what you've learned and make your next story even better.
1282264
Who said anything about next story?
Oh wait, I did... a while back, I wish I could undo my words.
EDIT: Oh right I can undo my words, Yay!
1279941 You realise that'd be severely OOC. Celestia has a mischievous side but she doesn't deliberately cause offense to anypony, she jsut wants them to loosen up in her presence.
1285466
HEADCANON CONFLICT DETECTED
(although, for the record, I side with you on this one; I think it's just a mischievous side as well)