Daniel Harquail has seen some odd cases in his many years of policing in the streets of his quaint hometown. All kinds of crazies come out when the moon is full, and his fateful meeting with the night Princess, Luna, is no exception.
Thrown from her world into his, struggling to cope with a new body, and a snide and dry detective that is determined to pin a crime to her.
Will he ever back off? Will he wrongly accuse her of a horrendous crime? Or will she commit a true crime of her own?
Chapters (2)
What is this shameless Mary Sue self-insert horror that has appeared before my eyes?!
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Have you really seen enough of my OC to come to the conclusion that he's a Mary Sue?
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Well, that's the thing. This is the first chapter in his story, and he's yet to show any kind of personality beyond being a completely generic brony stereotype. He lacks character. He doesn't have merits or flaws beyond just being socially awkward. You've introduced him as a blank slate for lonely bronies to project themselves onto so they can fantasize about having Luna as a girlfriend or whatever.
This story has all the marks of a self-indulgent wish-fulfillment fantasy like My Little Dashie, only instead of being deranged and creepy, this is just kind of pathetic. Take a loser, bestow something amazing unto him through a hokey plot-contrivance, he has a magical adventure without growing out of being a lazy manchild or having to put any kind of real effort into his own life.
Of course, that bit is just speculation on my part. The next chapter could turn out to be freakin' amazing for all I know. It's happened before, but I don't see why I should have to wait around for the main character to be developed.
Completely redone with a solid opening, plot, and a believable original character.
Enjoy, comment, thumb, watch
Okay, um... I won't give criticism of any kind until the second chapter.
Update soon, pwease.
I think you need an editor, because even though I like the story in itself, I feel it could be improved in the writting.
As i said at the end to chapter one i would give my opinion... I have to say that even thought it is well written it feels a little forced. A story should be like a spiders web, spun ever so intricately that it captured its pray (your readers) without doing harm to itself (the story as in loop holes, contradictions, etc.) I enjoy the story and i enjoyed the story before it was re-written but all in all, you need to relax and just let the story flow from your fingers to keyboard. There are little mistakes here and there but that can be over looked. With all this said, I hope the next chapter is published soon.