Echo

by Valley Fjord

Epilogue

Pinkie Pie had done it again. Everything looked perfect, simple, but perfect. She knew that the library didn't need much since Fluttershy and Rarity were doing their part to darken the room and spread out the decorations but an extra Pinkie smile still came out once the three finished before the fracas up stairs was stopped.

Looking over the room once it was done, Pinkie spotted the saddle bag and hurried to its side. 'I'll just pull this all out so that Twilight can get it going quicker' she told herself as she picks it up in her teeth; the weight of the bag hardly phasing her.

Everything in the bag looked important so Pinkie carefully removed all the contraptions. A book laying on top of all the equipment had a picture similar to one of the items and Pinkie make a note to herself to use it to figure out what everything was.

“Pinkie Pie, should you be messing with all of that?” Rarity said when she saw what Pinkie was doing. “I dread to imagine how disappointed Twilight will be if something happens.”

“Nothing to it, Rarity, this book says all I need. I'll have it up in no time so Dashie and Twilight won't need to do anything but party.”

Her grin held an almost infectious quality to it as she plugged cords in and poked at buttons. To Rarity and Fluttershy it looked like she was playing with it, but the book really did mention how to do everything she needed to know.

A purple blur appeared on the wall a foot from the screen and was followed by Twilight's voice. “Rainbow Dash, you're asleep right now and Spike is right next to you snoring so I know I can say this without...” the wall went black for a moment and Pinkie took the opportunity to try and align the projector. “Sorry, you just rolled over and my heart jumped so much I had to stop and rewind the recording.”

Twilight lift her head and smiled warmly. “I've been thinking so much about this and I – I don't think I'll be able to show this to you for a while but I want it to be recorded so that If you...” the screen blinks off again and at that moment the three ponies each share a thought in silents. 'Did she really record this?'

“I can't help myself. I feel so scared when I see you move, but that just means I can't stop watching you.” she moved back, growing smaller on the screen, and a blush welled up on her face. “When we... if we share the way we feel I'll happily show this recording to you but because I don't know when I can let you see this I'll say it now. Rainbow Dash, this trip was all I needed to know how I felt it - it has given me so much joy just knowing I would be out here with you, and that we are going to be making something happen that will be so magical as well as the fact that we will be the only two to ever truly see it...” she stops again and she closes her eyes.

“My words don't want to work right now so I'll try being direct like you always are and say; you are the most special pony I have ever met and some day soon I would like to ask you to be my special somepony.” Pinkie fumbles with the buttons until the image stops with Twilight's face on the screen and the three ponies pass looks of confusion between each other.

Comments

[Valley Fjord]

This is an updated version of the story I posted on FanFiction.net and it is still the only story I have ever finished.

also please, I could really use feedback on any errors I might have missed.

[ankyo]

Overall, I like the concept of the story. In places you struggle with the execution, though.

Semi-minor note: Applejack is a single word, not two.

In the first couple of chapters, this is contained to simple spelling and grammar mistakes ("wired" instead of "weird", "trios" instead of "trio's"). You also have problems with agreement of tenses, both within a sentence and within a paragraph. However in the later chapters, primarily after chapter 6, there are sentences that are phrased in ways that I found confusing. For instance:

“Well hey AJ, when did you get here?” Dash said with a sheepish tone, she pawed a hoof at the edge of the cover and reveled her head; A pink tint and tear tracks coated her cheeks.

Who is the "her" in this case? The sentence indicates that it is Rainbow Dash, and while I could understand why she would be blushing, I don't understand why she would have tear tracks on her cheeks. It would make sense if it were Twilight, as she was laughing, presumably hard enough to be crying.

Having the epilogue occur before the end of the story was also quite confusing, as the expectation for an epilogue is that it occurs after the story. Not saying that you shouldn't do it that way, just that it would've been nice to make it clear from the start, rather than making it so that we realize it a paragraph or two in. Also, I found the way it ended very confusing, until I realized that it lead directly into the scene in the previous chapter. It would make it much better in my opinion to extend the scene slightly to provide a segue between the epilogue and the scene in the previous chapter.