• Member Since 4th Sep, 2012
  • offline last seen 7 hours ago

Star Grazer

Just a brony/gamer/other guy wanting to try his hoof at writing something. Hopefully.

Comments ( 5 )

Character sketches are always fun so you can get to know the subject better. You've got AJ, Rainbow and Applebloom down pretty well here. There was a few things I noticed.

This fact was further reinforced as the older mare dashed in, Strotsen held down on her head by.. and Strotsen hat was placed once more on her dresser. I see what ya did there. Most brand names are ponified in the MLP:FIM universe. In truth though, I think Stetson is probably a better reference from a personal standpoint. I actually thought this was a typo at first, due to the fact I mostly see her hat referred to as a Stetson. You have license to do as you like, so this is just a suggestion.

“Just workin’ the fields, Rainbow. Was a good harvest this year, and me and Big Mac gotta start early if we wanna finish up ‘fore winter rolls around.” - Harvest is usually the process of collecting crops, etc. I think crop might be better then harvest in this context.

These are just minor though and have no impact on your stated purpose with this fic. Otherwise, I didn't spot any overt grammatical issue and the story flowed well enough. You achieved what you set out to do. :ajsmug: Thumbs up.


Thanks! Wasn't too sure how it turned out, and I'm glad that I did well with the characters. Hopefully this trend continues throughout the rest of the fics I'm planning on working on.:twilightsmile:

That was freaking awesome! Fav'd and followed, my fellow!

Well constructed and wonderfully paced, I think you've done a great job here, not only in keeping the mood in tune with the nature of the story, but the characters with their in-show counterparts as well. The only bits of criticism I have are what TCSNxs said and the slightly less 'country' dialect Applejack uses here. I'd have used a little more "y'all" instead of "you", "'fore" instead of "before", etc. I'm from Texas myself; having lived in very rural and not-so-rural areas, I've picked up the dialect and it comes out very similarly to Applejack at times, even though normally I speak with the northern States dialect my mother, and only parent, was raised around. I can tell you that us Texans with dialect as 'country' as Applejack's from the show use less apostrophized words only when we're deliberately pronouncing our syllables more thoroughly to emphasize our words, but you'll hear a lot more "y'all", "(n)'stead of", "(c')ain't", "c'n" (glazing over "can" between words), etc when we're jus' usin' casual conversatin'-like words :raritywink: Also, words at the beginning of our sentences will usually be pronounced more completely even if we say them more loosely when they're in the middle or at the end of our sentences. Lastly, remember that Applebloom has a significantly heavier southern 'twang' than her sister so look for ways to incorporate that into the spelling of her lines of dialogue.

That's it for me, hope that helps and good luck on the rest of your literary endeavors.

Login or register to comment