- Member Since 11th Dec, 2012
- offline last seen 32 minutes ago
wonderkid125
The next best thing to a typewriting monkey. Most of the time.
wonderkid125
Joined 11th Dec, 2012 ·
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Well, I like where this is going... and, if I may add, your giving me a few ideas for my current fic, AWESOME WORK!!!!
10732886
Thanks. Glad to hear you're enjoying it, and I'm always happy to provide some inspiration
I haven't read any of the previous stories, nor have I read anything past this first chapter. That being said, let me start by saying that this is a really good first chapter.
You set the scene with well worded and vivid imagery that isn't as common as some would imagine. You introduced and described the characters to us in an organic way while also combining the uses of show and tell, such as Tom's powers and knowledge. I also liked how you told us what they did before showing us what they did instead of jumping in the deep end first.
I especially enjoyed learning about the characters personalities and relationships with each other. Glimmer Shine with his cool and level head makes him a very good leader. Sparkplug's willingness to do what she can despite her hesitance and nervousness establishes her as the rookie who earned her place. Sunspots attempts to remain lackadaisical despite how stressful the job is can be seen as relatable to some. Glitterball's professionalism and no-nonsense attitude are outdone only by her encouraging nature and kind heart, making her the support for the team. Tom is shown to be a type of mentor to the rest of the group who also makes sure to place their safety over his own, all while worrying about his ability to do what needs to be done.
All this establishes a strong sense of comradery among the main cast that I hope continues for most (if not all) of the story.
The plot of the story is very much established, if not clearly defined. We know who the characters are, what they do and their level of experience in facing these conflicts. We know that Tom has abilities and powers that aren't currently working properly, nor do we know why they aren't working properly. I guess we'll have to keep reading to find out!
The grammar was top notch, I didn't notice any spelling errors, and your sentence structure was really good. I should point out though that the physical description of Sunspot did feel really off (but that may just be me).
I wasn't confused by any of the shifts from person to person (that can really trip people up) and the pacing was very on point. It never felt rushed or too slow, staying on one subject for exactly as long as it needed to before moving on.
That being said I have to admit that there were parts of the fight that had too much detail which slowed down the pacing of the scene. While the extra details can help make what's going on all the more clearer, it can also make the fight appear to take longer than it actually did. By making it feel rushed the reader can get a sense of tension and panic that some of the characters may be experiencing, which is usually more important than where someone punched someone else or how they performed a certain move (just remember that there are exceptions to this as well).
Fortunately that was my only grievance with this chapter. Overall I greatly enjoyed it. I didn't feel lost at any point and I find myself wanting to read on to find out what happens next. So good job!
See you in chapter 2!
P.S. If you have any qualms about what I wrote here don't be afraid to call me out on it. I'm willing to listen.
10782333
)
Many thanks for the kind words and helpful observations (even if I feel like I'm a bit too green around the writing gills to be deserving of such praise
And, no worries. The feedback on my failings is appreciated as much as my victories. I will try to take them into consideration in the future, though this story is already penned out, so I apologize if you end up finding a particular problem that doesn't get fixed. Typos and the like I can easily correct, but plot issues and scenes themselves are much harder after the fact.
I hope the rest of the story will keep you as engaged as this entry chapter, though I must admit that my quality can fluctuate somewhat from chapter to chapter. Some chapters are more well thought out than others, and some sections aren't executed as well as I would have liked (such as some of the action scenes, as you have pointed out.) I'm still improving as I go, so hopefully there isn't anything too horrendously bad.
Still, I hope you enjoy it, and I look forward to seeing your reactions and feedback for the future chapters!
Chapter 2 here we go!
I have to start by saying that I really appreciate the amount of work you put into making these characters come alive both through their relationships with each other and their own personalities. You really make it easy to get a sense of who these ponies are and what they'll do in certain situations.
The dialogue was really on point the whole way through, always feeling natural and never making it awkward to read through. The conversations the characters had felt real and worthwhile.
I didn't pick up on any spelling or grammar issues, and you stuck with a single tense for the whole chapter. So, nothing to worry about there.
As for the story itself, I have a couple issues to point out, the first of which is the pacing. While I can appreciate your level of detail it can also get in the way of telling the story. Starting the chapter at the hotel before traveling to the castle is simply unnecessary. In truth you could have started the chapter in the forest (which was when the scene really started to pick up) on the way to the castle and still be able to introduce everyone easily.
The other issue is simply the introduction of five new characters. This isn't really a flaw since mlp fanfics are generally known for having large quantities of characters, but that doesn't make it easy to juggle over a dozen named characters throughout a long story.
Also if they all die in the next chapter then I'll be really irritated. Just saying.
That's all for now, see you in chapter 3!
I'm back for chapter 3!
To begin, I'm not as irritated as I thought I would be that all the new characters died (though that may be because of how long it has been since my last review). That being said I am a little miffed that they all died, but oh well, what can you do?
Moving on, I can't help but praise how disturbing this chapter is, it almost feels like something out of a one shot horror story. While not the scariest story I have seen or read, it certainly is up there. I also can't help but appreciate how instead of killing off the characters in brutal or horrifying ways you instead chose terrifying and ruthless efficiency. The villain (I'm assuming) didn't monologue or spend large amounts of time finding creative ways to kill the adventurers, but straight up killed them without saying a single word (though it could be that he was currently incapable of speech).
Aside from my narcissistic brain demanding you write exactly how I want you to write (which means adding or removing a single word every so often), your grammar, spelling and wordplay continue to impress.
This chapter has incredible pacing. It started out slow, working to build up suspense for the reveal. The ponies spent an appropriate amount of time being in complete and utter shock before trying to run. The chase wasn't too short nor was it drawn out. Each death was quick and brutal and helped to drive home how terrifying this villain is. It's easy to feel the tension and suspense as the dwindling group attempt to escape, only to be met with failure at every turn until they are all picked off. It isn't until the very end when Scribble is caught can things slow down as the chapter's dilemma is finally resolved.
This villain is incredible. Despite not speaking he exudes an aura of terror and fear while also displaying his cunning and power. He doesn't waste time on killing the characters and potentially allowing others to escape until the last one, when he can finally relax knowing that no one else will be coming for him later on. I also theorize that after dispatching Pathfinder the villain flew up through the hole the group had made earlier in order to get ahead of them and lock the gate, which indicates a high level of strategical thinking.
Or maybe I'm thinking about this too much.
Either way I really like this villain, and I can't wait to see more of him in the future!
There isn't really anything negative to say about this chapter other than the fact that it's sole purpose is to kill five characters who were all just introduced last chapter as a way of introducing the villain.
At least this villain actually kills people, which is apparently something a lot of villains struggle with. so good job!
On to chapter 4!
10970402
Good to see you back!
Once again, I have to thank you for showing interest in this little pet project of mine. I was worried its flaws would outweigh any enjoyment you might get, but I'm glad to be proven wrong.
As for the pacing, I must admit that that is a happy accident. Fun fact: this chapter and the last chapter were originally one big chapter, but I decided to split them right before they found Snapshot for length. I do put some thought into pacing at times, but this was unfortunately not one of them. I tend to just sit down and write what feels appropriate to me. Sometimes it turns out good, other times not so much.
I'm glad to hear that my grammar and punctuation have gotten better since I started out. I don't think it was ever terrible, but if you had read my first few stories, you could see where I started to learn how to clean up my style a bit. Now, I just need to learn how to say more with less. It's a good thing that you enjoy my writing, because there will be a lot of it in this story. (Hey, on the bright side, I only went over my 10k word limit in a couple chapters. That's a big improvement over my last stories
)
Looking forward to showing you where this little tale will take our heroes. (Speaking of which, feel free to let me know if any of the show characters feel ooc at any point. I do try to portray my characters with their own personalities, and while my interpretation of the canon characters may not be one to one with their show counterparts, I want to make them as close as possible.)
See you in the next chapter!
How many chapters long will this story be?
11061202
That's a bit of a spoiler, but don't worry. It's almost done.
Thanks for making it this far
Firsts off, I'd like to say kudos for managing to juggle sixteen separate characters in one singular chapter. It's not exactly easy to keep everyone relevant when following a single line of dialogue. My advice for this is to split them into smaller groups that talk amongst themselves so everyone appears 'busy', allowing you to focus on certain characters without feeling like you've left someone out.
I also appreciate the effort you placed into establishing relationships between everyone, like how Tom knows Twilight well enough to not want to freak her out. Or how Rarity sympathizes with Sunspot. They're little details that can be easy to overlook, yet add to the realism of the world.
That being said, while this chapter does a great job of introducing the main six and other characters, it does little to nothing for the plot of the story. All that really happens is that the cast moves from Ponyville to Canterlot. You could have probably started the story with the group arriving at Canterlot and been completely fine.
I'm not saying this chapter is bad, nor am I saying that it's boring. It is simply not important to the plot as a whole. It's also relatively easy to fix, as all you really need to do is make the chapter slightly longer in order to throw in a bit of tension. Maybe you can have Tom hang back and talk with the princesses about the problems he's having with his abilities. There is also the fact that you haven't really described why the group is going to Canterlot in the first place, only that it has something to do with Nightmare Night. Are they there to help set up the party? Attend it? It's never explained. These issues can make it easy for the reader to gloss over the chapter, which isn't a good thing.
As for the canon characters, you did a good job of keeping them in character. Twilight being excited and perfectionistic. Spike being aware and witty. Rarity acting as a big sister to the CMC. Even Rainbow Dash being somewhat cocky while also reassuring to Blue Bolt. Unfortunately Applejack had only two lines, and while they were in character for her, it also felt like she could have contributed more, especially with the CMC. Fluttershy got it worse with only one singular line, but at least it's expected what with her personality and so many other characters and all. Personally the only thing out of character about her is that she's showing no signs of being afraid of not being home on nightmare night.
There really isn't anything much to say for the grammar and spelling as I couldn't find any errors. I did notice however, that you sometimes have a period at the end of a line of dialogue instead of a comma, and vice versa. I also want to take this chance to admit how impressed I am by your vocabulary. You wielded it to great affect, especially in describing Canterlot and the royal castle.
Keep up the good work, and I'll see you in chapter 5!
I don't really know how to start, so I'll just be blunt.
This chapter is bad.
Ugh, even writing that sucked. Now let me tell you why both this chapter and the last one are both bad. Yes, I know that said that the last chapter wasn't bad or boring, so allow me to apologize and say that I was very wrong. These two chapters are both equally bad, but not because of their grammar, spelling or wordplay. They aren't bad because of what they do have, but because of what they lack or fail to achieve. They both greatly miss a vital part of storytelling that every single chapter absolutely, one hundred percent needs.
CONFLICT.
Conflict is the driving force of every single story. Without conflict your story will absolutely crash and burn. Even going a single chapter without it is a bad idea because a story without conflict is BORING! No one wants to read a boring story, and writing a boring chapter is like falling asleep at the wheel or in the middle of operating heavy machinery, bad for your story (and your health). This means that every single chapter you write has to contain conflict. Let me repeat that.
EVERY. SINGLE. CHAPTER.
You may think that you should go easy on your characters, give them a breather or even let up a little. You can't. Doing these kinds of things doesn't make compelling heroes, it makes Mary Sues (or Gary Stu's). This is why chapters one and three were so good, you didn't let up on your characters for a single moment.
To help you understand this, let me simplify and compare chapter one with chapters four and five.
Chapter 1
Here you can see a series of conflicts that follow one another leading to a resolution, while also providing an overarching conflict with the main story.
Chapter 4
One momentary conflict does not a chapter make. The only important things that happen in this chapter is Spike's confrontation with Tom and the group traveling to Canterlot. The only conflict comes from a single, momentary debate between Spike and Tom that lasts all of ten seconds.
Even chapter 5 doesn't hold up all that well when examined closely.
Chapter 5
While this chapter does have moments of conflict, that is all that they are, momentary spots of conflict that mostly serve to show off more of the villain's powers. The reader already know that the villain is powerful, that he's terrifying and evil and that he's going to end up fighting the hero in some way. We've already learned that. What the reader wants to know is how this villain is going to conflict with the hero. Is the villain going to try and take over Equestria? Turn everyone into vampires? Is he going to try and kill Celestia? Luna? Tom? He doesn't say, so how is the reader supposed to know?
Also, this particular sentence is a hot mess.
But other than that your grammar, spelling and sentence structure are top notch.
Now that we've gotten through what I didn't like about this chapter, I'll start going on about what I did like.
Firstly, your evocative (and somewhat graphic) descriptions continue to impress, as I was never confused about what was happening at any point within this scene. You effectively displayed both the powers the Alicorn possessed as well as the feelings Scholarly Scribble felt.
You efficiently portrayed the Alicorn as someone who is smug, charming, slightly egotistical and highly intelligent. He easily takes command of the situation, learning all he can before moving on to what he needs to do next. He shows a clear lack of sympathy both towards Scholarly and her friends, despite apologizing.
Scholarly Scribble's fear and despair are realistic, as is her aversion towards drinking the blood of a fellow pony, regardless of her hunger.
That's all I really have to say about this chapter, sorry if it was a bit much. While I can't help but feel bad about tearing this chapter and the previous one apart, I also don't want you to continue making mistakes like these, as they can really ruin a story. Hopefully you take something away from what I've written here.
See you in chapter six.
11186745
I can definitely see your point. I think I still struggle with putting plots together, so there are probably a few chapters like this yet to come. If it makes you feel any better, I think I have far fewer non-impactful chapters in this story than my first or even second one.
Thanks for being honest. I'll try to keep this in mind for the future. Hope this didn't leave a bad taste in your mouth.
As always, I look forward to seeing you next chapter.
This one's a bit tricky, but before I get into What I want to say, I'll start with what was good.
The relationship between Blue Bolt, Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy is put on full display here, and I like it. Them talking about Nightmare night, Blue Bolts fear of heights, or just hanging out feels natural, like they really are friends.
Rainbow Dash is a little too empathetic with Blue Bolt though. Not to hate on the mare or anything, but she has issues putting herself in other's shoes (which is where some of her ego comes from). Of course, this could be the product of character development from previous stories, so I won't complain.
Fluttershy on the other hoof is a totally different story. All I'll say is that there better be some recap or explanation on why she's not only out on nightmare night, but participating in it as well.
But on to more important matters.
There are two important factors are completely missed in this chapter which make it very dry. The first has to do with letting your audience know something versus getting your audience to feel something. In this chapter the audience knows that Tom had a nightmare, and that it scared him, but they don’t feel his fear or terror because all you said about the dream was that it was a nightmare and it was horrible, not why it was horrible, or what even happened in it. Sure, it’s not that difficult to come to the conclusion that Tom is scared about being unable to protect his friends without his powers, but that doesn’t mean you can skip expressing it either. You don’t have to write out a dream sequence if you don’t want to, just add in a few of Tom’s internal thoughts that paint a vague yet descriptive picture on what’s going on inside his head.
The reason this is important is because the audience experiences the story through the main character, which means that they need to feel what he feels, otherwise it’s not a story but just a series of events largely revolving around a single individual. You did a pretty good job of this in previous chapters, but it’s not something you can slack off on.
The second issue has to do with the secret Tom is keeping from everyone, and the fact that you haven’t provided a reason for it. Sure, in the previous chapter Tom explained how he didn’t want to worry Twilight, but there’s a difference between unnecessarily worrying one of your friends and not telling your co-workers that you might not be able to keep them safe while hunting deadly monsters. Giving false confidence like that is not only extremely dangerous, but also incredibly selfish. I personally thought that this whole secret thing was going to be confronted in some way by now, as it’s technically getting in the way of the main conflict which should be about Tom losing his powers.
Sorry that this took so long get out, but I really wanted to get my thoughts sorted and written in a way that could be easily understood without getting off track.
Also, before I go.
Grammar: 👍
Spelling: 👍
Sentence Structure: 👍
I'd say more but I feel like I'd be repeating myself.
See you in the chapter seven!
I'm Back!
I've already stated the importance of conflict and how it needs to be maintained throughout every single chapter in your story. Something I didn’t state however, was that the level of conflict needs to also be constantly changing from chapter to chapter. If a chapter starts with a high level of conflict, then it SHOULD end with a low amount of conflict, and vice versa. In the beginning of the story this doesn’t need to be a large change, just enough to get the ball rolling.
Also, for a horror story with gore and violence, there’s a lot of slice of life. There’s nothing wrong that, as it can show what a character’s life is like before everything changes. The problem comes from the act that this is the fourth chapter in a row without any significant development.
I’m not saying there needs to be some big physical fight, you just need to create a sense of dread that makes the audience wonder what’s going to happen next.
One final thing I have a gripe about is how passive Luna feels while confronting Tom. Although she got him to admit the truth about his powers and why he didn’t want to tell the others, she could have easily convinced him to trust his friends and tell them what’s going on. Hopefully if she tries again, she’ll be more successful.
As to what I did like about this chapter, there isn’t a whole lot to say unfortunately. The moment between Celestia and Luna is sweet, as is Luna’s care for Tom. I’m surprised that Cadence is the only one to notice something off about Tom when Celestia is in the room. The costume shop scene was fun and lively. It was cool to see what outfits the gang went with, and I look forward to seeing what Spike wears for Nightmare Night.
Everyone was in character and nothing felt out of place, so that’s good. Though I do find it odd that no one asked about or mentioned Tom during dinner. Not even for what he was doing during Nightmare Night.
As a final thought I feel like this chapter did a lot more to set up the scene for nightmare night, but failed to create a sense of anticipation for anything potentially terrible happening. Because of this if something terrible does happen on nightmare night then it will have come out of nowhere. Alternatively, if nothing happens then all the build up would have been wasted on another boring chapter.
Hopefully things pick up again in chapter eight!
Hey there! I’m back to give my thoughts and opinions once more!
I want to start by saying that this chapter was not boring, and easily held my attention for its entirety. I felt anticipation for whatever horrible fate would befall the guards, as well as a strong feeling of dread when they were brutally murdered, which was only enhanced by the prince’s desire to go to Canterlot. All in all, it is a really strong chapter.
That being said, I wish it had happened sooner. If chapter five were to be removed entirely and replaced with this chapter than the overall story would be greatly enhanced. That feeling of dread would stick with all the following chapters leading up to nightmare night. When Celestia and Luna get the report of only strange noises in Clopford, it only makes that dread worse as the readers know something the sisters don’t. Now whenever the characters do anything it’s overshadowed by what the reader knows.
Something that I’m beginning to realize and be impressed by is your ability to quickly introduce compelling characters. The classic veteran and rookie guard duo, the first one being laid back and the other uncertain and nervous. The guilty farmer who didn’t want anyone to get hurt, especially his friend. Even the wife has some character, being disgusted by the other’s appearance, and regretful of her actions, despite supposedly not feeling anything. It all serves to remind the reader that the world is much larger than just the main characters and the ones they know.
Just be careful though, if you place too much focus on characters who get killed off almost immediately than you potentially lose out on more important character development.
That’s all for now, so I’ll see you again in the next chapter!
11356211
Hey there! Glad to still have you onboard. Apologies again for all the lackluster chapters. Over time and with your help, I've seen more of this story's key flaws and flaws within my own writing style that should be addressed. If ever I get the energy to re-work my old stories from the ground up, I'll strongly consider what you've said about this one.
As for this chapter, this was one of the more fun ones for me to write of the early ones. I really enjoyed writing the farmer's discomfort and him trying to hide his intentions while still trying to subtly get the guards to leave. For instance, something you may or may not have picked up on:
One thing that some people will do when lying is using body language that doesn't match with their words. Here, the farmer nods when asked if he minds them coming in rather than shaking his head. It's probably more obvious than I think, and knowing your ability to pick up on stuff, you probably already knew, but I felt like pointing it out regardless ^_^
As for your suggestion of this chapter being placed earlier in the story, I can see the benefits therein. However, I contend that chapter five is more necessary than you think. In it, we get to: a) Learn that Scribble is alive and is now a vampire. b) Get introduced to the Prince and his character through her eyes. c) Get hints at the prince's plans and his history with Celestia. I could probably establish some of these facts later on down the line, but the reveal with Scribble loses some of its effect if we don't get to experience it with her when she first wakes up.
At any rate, I agree with you on the fact that having chapter 8 take place earlier would help up the suspense and cushion some of the less eventful slice of life chapters leading up to the main plot. Many of those chapters could have been re-worked or cut entirely to make things flow better and layer in major plot points going on in the background without bogging them down.
Unfortunately, in my opinion, the next chapter is the worst offender of these. Even after writing it, I thought that it might be best to cut it out and skip ahead to Nightmare Night, but I was still under the lense of 'things are happening with these characters, and I like these characters, therefore it must be interesting,' which is not a good lense to have. I need to get better about layering in character moments and slice of life while still having interesting plot points going on, or have the scene serve more character development if the characters are the focus that chapter.
Hope you decide to stick around, even through the chapters that aren't quite as good as those like chapter 8 and the first one. I really think the positives of my writing style that you've pointed out get to shine in this story, even if there are parts that were best edited out and streamlined. Ah well, hindsight is twenty twenty. I had a lot of fun writing this story, so I still love every bit of it, flaws and all.
See you next chapter!
Oh boy, here we go again. But before I do let me say that you were right about this chapter.
I can honestly say that if I had accidentally skipped this chapter not only would I have had no idea that I had done so, but that it wouldn’t have made any real difference on the story. Once again, we get another chapter where nothing of any real relevance happens.
A good way of knowing whether your chapter can be skipped or not is by the growth or change of your characters. For example, in this chapter none of the characters change in any way, and are in the same positions as the start. Tom is still just as secretive as before, Spike and Luna are just as concerned, Cadence is still both concerned and ignorant and everyone else is just as completely oblivious as they were when the chapter began. The character’s statuses don’t change, so nothing happens.
Progression in a story can only happen through change. It doesn’t have to be massive and not everyone has to change, but it still needs to happen. Last chapter Luna went from being ignorant of Tom’s situation to being informed. The only problem is that it’s the ONLY thing that changes in the entire chapter.
Change is constant and can happen to anyone at any time, thus the pace of a story is determined by the amount of change that happens within each chapter. The more changes the faster the story, and vice versa. Having only one change in a chapter is like going ten miles (16 km) an hour on the highway.
Finally, each change that happens within a chapter should be important to either the main plot of a story, any subplots, or even character arcs.
The only good things I have to say have already been said before, so I’ll hold my breath for later chapters.
11462212
Hello again. I honestly thought you had given up on this story, not that I would have blamed you.
I must admit that I didn't put as much thought into this story as I should have during the early bits. I can only be happy to say that the worst is behind you if you do decide to continue.
My most recent story has, thankfully, enjoyed more success than this one, and I think that is greatly in part because I've tried to follow your advice and shore up my glaring issues with plot creation and scene building. While I still hold this story dear to me, I recognize its flaws, and I wish that I had someone like you to point them out before I posted so they could be corrected.
I hope you'll see more of what you initially enjoyed in this story in the coming chapters, and I'd like to thank you for sticking it out this far, and for continuing to give me advice on how to do better than this.
Alrighty, here we go!
Honestly, if it weren’t for all the previous chapters, the lack of action in this chapter wouldn’t be so bad. As it is though, it’s simply another in a long line of boring inaction. For a story that stars hordes of bloodthirsty monsters and high action drama there is a surprising amount of slice of life.
The previous chapters are supposed to have been building up to this night in particular, increasing both the tension and anticipation. Even if the main characters don’t know what’s about to happen, the audience does. As such this chapter would serve as a quiet before the storm hits the fan and rips off the roof. A writer has to understand that in a story no chapter can stand alone, each one supports the one that comes after through things like foreshadowing, promises, threats, and rising conflict. It’s why chapter 8 was good, and the others are forgettable.
Something I would suggest is to try and surprise your reader in some way (though it’s not a requirement). So far, this story has been very straightforward, and thus potentially predictable. This isn’t a bad thing, because it allows you to throw curve balls that can surprise readers and keep them second guessing. You never want your audience to know what’s going to happen next, because then there’s no point in reading on. Why read a story you already know the ending to?
A great example of surprising your audience would be with this upcoming attack. While it hasn’t been outright stated, it’s heavily implied that the attack will happen on nightmare night. As such subverting expectations is called for. Attacking on nightmare night? NOPE! They attack the night before! Or maybe nightmare night goes off without a hitch, and the attack happens the next night, or even tomorrow morning!
That’s all I really have to say for now, so I’ll be off to the next chapter!
Hello again!
I have to admit that the fighting in this chapter gave me whiplash, especially since it's been almost eight chapters since we've had an actual action scene. It doesn't help that over three fourths is nothing but fighting vampires, with only a little bit of drama and character moments thrown in. That isn't to say that the fights themselves are bad, but that the chapter isn't really surprising (except for the last fight). The audience already knows that the heroes will be fighting vampires, so there's no surprise there. Tom has already shown himself to be reckless, so seeing him fight is required, the confrontation with Luna makes sense when you think about it, and getting attacked by a monster in a haunted attraction is practically cliché. What I'm trying to say is that there's little to no suspense, nothing that makes a reader wonder what's going to happen next because they can see it coming a mile away.
The exception here is the last scene with the crusaders, Applejack, Rarity, Pinkie Pie and Sparkplug, but only because it makes little sense. Sparkplug knew she didn't have her weapons, knew she wasn't trained to fight a vampire, and on top of that also had three fillies to protect. With all this in mind the best option wouldn't have been to fight back but to run away and regroup, maybe arm themselves. They don't even think to do that until it's far too late. Personally I think a chase scene would fit well here, but that's just my opinion (especially since you're pretty decent at writing them). It also doesn't help that this fight is longer than both other fights combined, and takes over a fifth of the entire chapter, making the fight itself feel long, drawn out and way too slow.
In comparison I really liked the scene with Sparkplug and Fluttershy. Despite the cliché vampire attack, the fight felt a lot more natural and hard pressed than the others, and seeing Fluttershy step up to fight back was nice, if not a little out of character. Honestly I thought she would go into one of her rage rants about not hurting others, distracting the vampire enough for Sparkplug to kill it, but seeing her actively helping a friend is again, really nice.
Before I go allow me to leave you with a bit of advice. Not all conflict has to be a physical fight or wild chase scene. It can be a shouting match between lovers, a sports match with rival teams, foraging for food in the wilderness, or trying to survive a natural disaster. Conflict comes not just when two people throw fists, but when a person struggles to overcome obstacles to reach their own goal, whatever that may be. It may seem obvious, but it can be hard to keep in mind when trying to write a cool action scene.
That's all I have to say for now, so see you in the next chapter.
Hello readers and authors!
I must admit that both the beginning and end of this chapter felt both natural and were thus highly enjoyable. Although it was similar to what Sunspot and Fluttershy went through in the previous chapter, it was still distinct in its own way.
One thing I'm compelled to mention however is that the fight itself is too detailed. While the adage of 'show don't tell' applies to many aspects of writing, it does not apply to fighting unless it is required for story purposes. To properly understand, read the following paragraph.
He punched. She ducked. He kicked. She blocked. He grappled, she pulled away. He drew a sword, it’s blade gleaming with death. He stabbed. She jerked back, skin nicked. He swung once, twice, thrice. More nicks. She retreated, only to fall. He lunged, the blade descending viscously. She screamed.
While this particular fight is as bare as it gets, it only serves to highlight my point. Fights in general are very quick, usually lasting minutes a few minutes at most. This needs to be reflected in writing; notice how it isn't mentioned in the fight that the man uses his fists to punch, feet to kick, or how She ducks UNDER his attack because it's already implied. It doesn't say that He uses both hands to wield the sword, or where She is nicked, because that doesn't matter. There's no mention of why She falls, or what the environment is like, or their positions, it's superfluous to the fight.
There is no way of detailing a fight without dragging it on for far too long. Fortunately, there's a way to cheat. By removing all the excessive details, the reader is allowed free reign to fill in the blanks with their own imagination. After all, it's much easier to imagine a fight in one's head than it is to write it out.
That's all for now, see you in the next chapter.
P.S.
Personally, I think that you could delete the final fight scene from the previous chapter and replace it with this one.
As always, good to see you! I'm glad you're starting to enjoy these chapters more, a trend which I hope continues.
Unfortunately, as with many of the errors you've spotted thus far, there may be a few more fights like this one that drag on a bit. I think one of my problems with writing is being unable to get immersed at all in what I'm making, thus making it look like just mechanical text on a page rather than a flowing story. Maybe it has to do with the fact that I have total control over what happens, and thus don't get as engaged as when I read other people's works?
Either way, it is a frustrating problem that makes it difficult to notice when I'm making style errors or writing a boring scene. I'm getting better at telling this stuff for myself, and am using second opinions more, but it is something I still struggle with. For instance, I'm currently working on a fight scene for another story of mine that could probably stand to use this advice to simplify it somewhat.
In any case, I appreciate the advice, and continue to look forward to seeing these dissections of this story, both the good and the bad (though hopefully there will be more good than bad from now on
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Hello again!
This is the fourth chapter in a row consisting mainly of combat or fighting, and while it has the most interesting fight so far (Celestia vs. Dusk), I have to admit it is getting repetitive. There are more ways to incite conflict than just having characters try and throw down with each other. In fact so far the best bit of conflict is chapter three, where the adventurers try and flee the castle. There aren't any big fight scenes, but it had me hanging on every word, wondering what was going to happen next. In this chapter I could already see what was coming, nothing surprised me or had me wondering. In all honesty I though this chapter would start with the castle already under attack, or getting overwhelmed with panicking ponies looking for safety.
Something else I'm noticing is that almost every paragraph in this chapter contains at least one sentence that can be shortened without much issue. Honestly speaking there are probably about two hundred words that could be removed or replaced altogether. The problem is that you use adjectives for nearly everything, including actions. While these can help describe what's going on or give indication on to a characters emotions, there are times when it is unnecessary. This is similar to what I said last chapter, about letting the reader use their own imagination to fill in the blanks. Other times something that is already implied is repeated bluntly. To create an example.
He chewed the food in his mouth.
If this sentence has you cringing then congratulations, you know something is wrong. Obviously if the person is chewing than it is already implied that the food is in his mouth, unless there is some special case where he can chew food from some other body part (like the hands). This may be a small and silly example but it highlights the issue that there are extraneous words that can and should be removed.
He chewed the food.
Short, simple, to the point. If you want to add in some adjective than make sure it tells the audience something about the character.
He chewed the food with gusto, grinning all the while.
Adjectives don't just describe actions, but the people who take those actions.
All that being said, there were some good character moments in this chapter. Spike and Twilight, Celestia and Luna, Cadence and Shining Armor, Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash. They were all small, but that's what made them stand out. It's not the grand gestures but the little moments of comfort and appreciation.
That's all for now, see you in the next chapter!
P.S. My prediction for next chapter is that the monster hunters will clear out the rest of the vampires and Tom's secret will be revealed.
11572215
As always, glad to see you again!
As per usual, fair points all around. I could definitely see how some of my fights can drag on, especially with my bad habit of over describing things. This story, being part of my Angel of Justice series, was at least partially inspired by some of the adventure fics I had enjoyed in the past, and as such, focuses a bit more on combat and fighting than outright tension and horror. Rest assured, however, that there are still a fair few chapters that don't rely on fighting for the conflict. I couldn't really call it a horror story if there weren't some juicy bits in there somewhere, right?
Seeing how well you liked chapter 3, I'm interested to see what I could do with a horror story that focuses on the horror aspect rather than the action. I've already sort of dabbled in existential horror in my latest story, so maybe I could come up with something worthwhile? Ah, well, maybe someday.
In the meantime, I'm looking forward to you getting into the meat of this story. Since I know you're willing to look past its shortcomings (you've gotten this far, so that must mean something) I can't wait to see what you think of the more interesting moments. Of course, by all means, take as long as you like. Even if it takes all year, I'll await your comments with bated breath while I work on other stuff in the meantime.
See you next chapter indeed!