It's Nightmare Night once again, and the mane six are preparing to celebrate it with their new monster hunting friends. But when something dark from Celestia's past comes back to haunt her, all of their lives will be put into very real danger.
Page generated in 0.049 seconds
Total duration
969 users online
2,301,148 hits today, 1,943,222 yesterday
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
Chapter 2 here we go!
I have to start by saying that I really appreciate the amount of work you put into making these characters come alive both through their relationships with each other and their own personalities. You really make it easy to get a sense of who these ponies are and what they'll do in certain situations.
The dialogue was really on point the whole way through, always feeling natural and never making it awkward to read through. The conversations the characters had felt real and worthwhile.
I didn't pick up on any spelling or grammar issues, and you stuck with a single tense for the whole chapter. So, nothing to worry about there.
As for the story itself, I have a couple issues to point out, the first of which is the pacing. While I can appreciate your level of detail it can also get in the way of telling the story. Starting the chapter at the hotel before traveling to the castle is simply unnecessary. In truth you could have started the chapter in the forest (which was when the scene really started to pick up) on the way to the castle and still be able to introduce everyone easily.
The other issue is simply the introduction of five new characters. This isn't really a flaw since mlp fanfics are generally known for having large quantities of characters, but that doesn't make it easy to juggle over a dozen named characters throughout a long story.
Also if they all die in the next chapter then I'll be really irritated. Just saying.
That's all for now, see you in chapter 3!