It's Nightmare Night once again, and the mane six are preparing to celebrate it with their new monster hunting friends. But when something dark from Celestia's past comes back to haunt her, all of their lives will be put into very real danger.
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This one's a bit tricky, but before I get into What I want to say, I'll start with what was good.
The relationship between Blue Bolt, Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy is put on full display here, and I like it. Them talking about Nightmare night, Blue Bolts fear of heights, or just hanging out feels natural, like they really are friends.
Rainbow Dash is a little too empathetic with Blue Bolt though. Not to hate on the mare or anything, but she has issues putting herself in other's shoes (which is where some of her ego comes from). Of course, this could be the product of character development from previous stories, so I won't complain.
Fluttershy on the other hoof is a totally different story. All I'll say is that there better be some recap or explanation on why she's not only out on nightmare night, but participating in it as well.
But on to more important matters.
There are two important factors are completely missed in this chapter which make it very dry. The first has to do with letting your audience know something versus getting your audience to feel something. In this chapter the audience knows that Tom had a nightmare, and that it scared him, but they don’t feel his fear or terror because all you said about the dream was that it was a nightmare and it was horrible, not why it was horrible, or what even happened in it. Sure, it’s not that difficult to come to the conclusion that Tom is scared about being unable to protect his friends without his powers, but that doesn’t mean you can skip expressing it either. You don’t have to write out a dream sequence if you don’t want to, just add in a few of Tom’s internal thoughts that paint a vague yet descriptive picture on what’s going on inside his head.
The reason this is important is because the audience experiences the story through the main character, which means that they need to feel what he feels, otherwise it’s not a story but just a series of events largely revolving around a single individual. You did a pretty good job of this in previous chapters, but it’s not something you can slack off on.
The second issue has to do with the secret Tom is keeping from everyone, and the fact that you haven’t provided a reason for it. Sure, in the previous chapter Tom explained how he didn’t want to worry Twilight, but there’s a difference between unnecessarily worrying one of your friends and not telling your co-workers that you might not be able to keep them safe while hunting deadly monsters. Giving false confidence like that is not only extremely dangerous, but also incredibly selfish. I personally thought that this whole secret thing was going to be confronted in some way by now, as it’s technically getting in the way of the main conflict which should be about Tom losing his powers.
Sorry that this took so long get out, but I really wanted to get my thoughts sorted and written in a way that could be easily understood without getting off track.
Also, before I go.
Grammar: 👍
Spelling: 👍
Sentence Structure: 👍
I'd say more but I feel like I'd be repeating myself.
See you in the chapter seven!