Sunshine Smiles
Joined 11th Jun, 2011 ·
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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what
IT'S GLORIOUS!
uh
good grief
Kinky
I have only one question... WHY?
http://goo.gl/efiPk
77639 Rule 34 and 35, my friend. Rule 34 and 35...
Yay!
Apple framily sex!
This is relevant to my interests.
Seriously, wat?
I found myself getting confused as to when the perspective of the story changed.
"Applejack heard the tapping of hooves as she smiled to myself" Seriously WAT?
Still, pretty good story, you should probably get a proofreader though.
78039 Yeah, it was originally a 1st person fic, and I converted it, I'll get that fixed, THANKS!
WHAT??????
Loved it. Tho I did noticed it did go back to first and third person once but I got past that.
look at description ........Wat? look at characters ...........WAT?
really bro?? really???? ur writing a pedophilia incest lesbian clop fiction and you are insulting me just because i think rainbow dash is the best pony???
I'm laughing my ass off. So hard. At both the fic and the comments.
Okay, now for the critique. You said you'd fix the first/third person mix-up, yet it's still there, in its prominence. You should also fix the repetitiveness of the use.of names. Try not to use a character's name more than once every few times the character is mentioned. Instead, use either a pronoun or a short, interesting description.
For example, say I'm writing a story that starts with Twilight thinking. It should go something like this: "Twilight Sparkle sat there, simply thinking to herself about why she is who she is. The lavender librarian, yada yada yada..."
But, on a positive note, the premise of the story is at least semi-interesting. Just keep working on it, though...
871078
I think you missed the memo this wasnt serious.
1031734
I suppose you're right. Well, critique is where critique is due now, I guess.