Spicing up the bedroom

Bobbles

Bobbles #1 · Oct 7th, 2020 · 6 · ·

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I assume English is a second language for you; the grammar is a bit too much of a mess to give this story a full read.

Disconnect

Disconnect #2 · Oct 9th, 2020 · 1 · ·

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This one has many spelling and grammatical errors. I assume you likely did this in a large burst rather than a number of short ones, as regardless of capability, that ability to effectively structure things will wear down over time. As I like to say, things either get done well or they get done quickly, it rarely if ever is both. Then having a proofreader is always a neat idea. I will now address certain issues I personally see here in the fic:

1. "Oh goodness, a threesome, oh no but oh YES." I don't mean to say that Anon cannot be hesitant to the idea, but that... He's kind of clearly not opposed to it. If he were to be opposed to it, some time would need to be spent on welcoming him to the idea as well as far more tact than this letter, much less just outright kissing him and telling him to come to the bedroom. It comes across as insincere on Anon's end and as forceful and coercive from Cadence's end. If he's down for a threesome then he should just be down for it; there's hardly any reason to be coy.
2. Cadence focus. Maybe it's just me and my own little bisexual perception of what a threesome is, but... This just seems like wanting to bang Cadence and adding Shining in as a sort of prop, really. Like even from a straight threesome perspective, this is more about Anon x Cadence and not so much Shining; why not a scene where Anon watches them? There's language to try and balance the focus, like about Shining's length, but that just seems like compensation, an attempt to justify the Cadence focus. Again, maybe it's just me, but I was hoping for more action between all participants.
3. Shifting perspectives. Sometimes it's Anon who's thoughts and feelings are the focus but then the other two are inserted as well. It just seems odd to me.
4. This one's just petty sexual nitpicks. First would be that "bondage and domination" are... Pretty much hand in hand? I'd have maybe suggested something more descriptive for the list such as pegging, crossdressing, suspension... Then her anus is described as very tight and yet Shining apparently just goes at it raw. The anal cavity can be very easily torn if you're too careless; you typically need to work your way up to being wide enough and then you want lube as well. Otherwise rectal pain and bleeding is all you're going to get. I would take less issue with this detail if she were naturally stretched from frequent use, but that's just me being a stickler.

Overall, I think you have potential but it just needs to be worked on and perhaps thought on a bit further. Take time to pause and look at what you currently have, check the foundation for where you're headed, you know? I especially see potential when you write the sex scenes, you seem to get the idea of common sexual writing structure. Beyond spelling and grammar improvement, I have three pieces of advice:
- Try to focus more on being descriptive. It's not just "I looked at Shining's cock". It should be like, "My eyes fell to gaze at his member. His balls were sizable but perky, a slight twitch to them under Cadence's menstrations. I could see the veins throbbing as she danced her tongue atop his tip"... It's less of a race and more of a scenic stroll. The idea is not to book it to the finish line but admire the birds along the path, you feel me?
- Story. This also kind of goes for character as well, as I mentioned, the somewhat meaningless threesome aversion here. If you want there to be a build up to the sex, then it should be a bit more proper. Again a case of slowing down to look at the birds. I do, however, understand not wanting to do that. When I watch a porno, I don't sit through the terrible acting of whatever the dumb scenario is. I just want to watch this redhead milf get blacked, to be honest. So if that is your intent, do it that way, go at it like many pornos do. Screw the story and just get to it, or have something humorous at the start instead. "Hi, I'm Anon the pizza guy, did you order a sausage pizza? Wha- Oh okay, I guess I'll be giving you the tip instead" and then they fuck because who cares.
- As I was trying to point out with the threesome bit, more of a balanced view across the board. Imagine it like you're watching a show with a cast of characters who fight, and while the side characters are perfectly capable fighters who are equally capable of backstory, they don't. All these characters do is just kind of act as filler, potential death fodder who won't be missed because they're two-dimensional, who are only there to make the main character look good. The MC who defeats pretty much everyone and who's really the only actual character. Does that not sound boring? Why are they even there? This show might as well just be the MC jerking themselves off. A more spread out focus where each character can contribute and have even just a hint of being interesting is what makes the show watchable. It's not one MC, but many.

Harsh productions

Harsh productions #3 · Oct 9th, 2020 · 1 · ·

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10472970
Wow, that was something I definitely needed. Thanks for looking at my writing in such a critical way. I will admit that the story was a bit rushed for no good reason, and I probably should get someone to proofread and edit the story before it hits center stage. I just don’t know how to allow someone to access the story before it’s published though. You brought up that fact that I don’t spend enough time on the details, which I can admit is true, and I’ll try to do better on that. As far as the plot goes, it kind of was just a loose reasoning to get anon and cadence to fuck, and I tried adding shining to try and make it more interesting. Overall, nothing you said isn’t false, it was definitely needed, so thank you, and if your willing you could be my proofreader, but I’m not forcing you, the offer is up in the air. If your not willing I’ll probably just make a blog post in search for one, it’s no big deal. The next clopfic idea I have, I will take your criticisms to heart, and put more details into thing and slow down, and have a more focused perspective. Anyways thanks you so much for the feedback, it’s greatly appreciated, and it was necessary if I’m ever going to build my skill in writing.

Disconnect

Disconnect #4 · Oct 9th, 2020 · 2 · ·

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10473087
I have to be honest, I'm not entirely sure how to get a proofreader before publishing, either. I know there were a number of blog posts on this site though... Ah, I found some info. There are apparently proofreading/editing groups one can go to. The most active of which, according to what some folks said, is called "Looking for Editors"
https://www.fimfiction.net/group/97/looking-for-editors

I have never done proofreading on here before, so I'm not sure if I'd be the best choice. I guess I could give it a go, if you can't find anyone with experience to do it.
I thank you for taking my prior comment well, at least. I must apologize for rambling in it, it was 2:30 in the morning and, for some reason, fatigue makes me blabber on like a doofus.

Vinyl Synth