Twilight Sparkle wakes up and sees Ponyville exterminated including her friends. However, Derpy shows up at the marketplace and explains to Twilight that she serves Queen Glamour, who is imprisoned and that Twilight needs to think more critically. After Derpy somehow resurrects all of Ponyville (and many apologies and a little sleuth work) They discover Trixie was behind the murders and detonated a gamma bomb in the name of Discord who gave her the Element of Banality. Another mystery that Derpy hinted at. Now the Mane 6 need to stop Trixie and any other minion of Discord before all of Equestria is taken over. Granted with With radiated animals surrounding the wilderness and active plutonium deposits all around the countryside, they must be double careful
*Ditzy Doo
1171240Thanks for the correction
1171301
Yeah.
I'm going to spare the critical review for other readers, but I did notice something strange:
Your calling her Ditzy Doo AND Derpy. Which is it?
Derpy in this story is a nickname the Mane 6 gave her, Ditsy Doo is her birthname. Twilight stopped calling her Derpy as it was used as a nickname that was rather pejorative in mid sentence out of respect. Since she is a mysterious magical entity.
Could use some fleshing out, but that's why you submitted to the school for new writers, eh?
First off, if you put a space in-between every new paragraph, it wouldn't read like a big 'ol text (at least you indented on new paragraphs. Thank you for that).
Secondly, I see a lot of spots where commas should go, or where sentences should end. I think it would do you good to read your story out loud when you go back through it, just so that you can see where pauses should be placed. Make it sound natural.
I shouldn't be writing you a long and boring review. How boring! I hope that you continue to learn though. Feel free to PM me with any problems, or better yet, PM members of the school. THEY should be the ones to go to, I'm only a member of the group
Just some friendly advice from your friendly neighborhood Church
when I saw Gamma Ponies I thought it was going to be a Hulk crossover
1174062 Believe me, I was very tempted to do that.
Well, this sure looks promising!
Can't wait for the next chapter.
A few points, tho... I were you, I would add a little more background info; just... like more description of the setting/what their doing... that kind of stuff. I know, as a fellow author, that writing all that description can be tedious and makes you feel like it goes on and on forever, but when you read it, it gives a better effect.
Otherwise, you're gud to go!
Keep up the good work.
And also... First comment!!!
1192463 Thanks was about to delete this until you posted. Thanks for refueling my idea.
1650816
Yay! I'm glad!