Inspired by the Longmire episode "Dog Soldier" this mystery stars Pinkie Pie, Rarity and Fluttershy as detectives that Chief Thunderhooves hires to solve the case, despite it being inspired by a very dark and serious episode of Longmire, this story is very light and comedic. When the three ponies go to the reservation, Fluttershy convinces a baby buffalo to draw what he saw which are drawings of a creature with spiky hair and a scar on its nose; half buffalo, half cat. His grandmother warned him that if he didn't behave, Lipi'co would come and take him away. Rarity can't pronounce the name, but asks Little Strongheart to explain. Lipi'co are buffalo version of the boogy pony. They could shift shape from buffalo to cat and back again and kidnapped misbehaving foals. When Little Strongheart is kidnapped the next night the ponies realize they have to solve the crime before other children are gone.
*sees title. Fav's before even reading description
1177131 Thanks I hope you read the story as I do like it when a story is read.
As for constructive criticism, you seem to be lacking commas in various places. And you also seem to use the same word many times, try to use another word that is similar.
(“I just want you to know that why would I kidnap buffalo in my own tribe?”) This isn't a thing. Fix.
(Fluttershy said surprised at this statement. “That is so cool and inspiring as I myself am rather good at sewing.”) Out of curiosity, why is it inspiring to Fluttershy that Rarity makes blankets?
(“We are here.” The coachman said as he broke to a halt) 1. To brake requires you to have...y'know, brakes. 2. The past tense of break is broke, the past tense of brake is braked. If you insist on using that verb, correct it.
(“I was sleeping and I don't know when the kidnappings, all I know is that it was at night.”) He doesn't know when the kidnappings? This is not a thing, fix.
(“May I ask why you only hired us out of the six ponies?") We as viewers know the six main ponies of the TV show. Chief Thunderhooves on the other hand has met only two of them personally, and there are thousands if not millions of ponies. The fact that he knows the six ponies from the TV show is questionable, I say questionable because it could be a sequel to something I haven't read where he meets the six of them. If that's the case this is simply phrased rather awkwardly.
Whatever paragraph had Fluttershy suddenly start looking at the wildlife mid-conversation makes her look like she has ADD. Move it to somewhere else, preferably the train since that's when they were getting to the landscape anyway.
There are run on sentences, and you do need to add commas. Read the entire piece out loud, based entirely on the punctuation. If it sounds weird or you run out of breath you've likely made a mistake.
(Other rather chilling stories involved the beds of the children turning ice cold even when next to the campfire, and illustrations of a grapevine, a plant that the buffalo associated with insanity and death.) Wait, Illustrations? Where? Were they on the beds, or did Chief Thunderhooves tell them stories about illustrations?
The buffalo and ponies were getting along fairly well at the end of Over a Barrel, what happened to bring back the racial tensions?
(“Yes well anyway off to the reservation.”) Wait...what? Reservation? Why do the buffalo live on reservations? Did Celestia force the buffalo off their land and into reservations? Was it in retaliation for the Appaloosa incident? That's messed up, you can't just drop a bombshell like that and not explain it.
Insta Fave!