- Member Since 16th Jul, 2020
- offline last seen February 4th
Sonia Star Song
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Sonia Star Song
Joined 16th Jul, 2020 ·
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Not bad however there’s a few lines I needed to read twice, I’ll point them out and once you read them back you might realize the issue.
“her eyes full of slight fear for her sister” I’d remove slight here
“Sonia wasn’t only treated poorly by her parents, due to her prestige title of the faction leader’s daughter, everyone hated her, only a small pick few saw her for the filly she was” tough to understand what’s being said, the line after that one is strange when you read it aloud
“He had a way with words that she just couldn't describe in him. ” this one I don’t understand either, there’s more like these but I don’t want to make this comment too long.
I really like the potential of this story but I feel like you rushed this chapter or maybe this is a rough draft still? Idk but I’ll give you a like, it’s nice to support each other when you put your work out there. Best of luck ;) I’ll put this in my favorites and follow along, I’d love to see you improve next chapter!
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Hey! Yeah, it was slightly rushed and I wasn't exactly proud of said chapter but I felt like I had to put SOMETHING out after the amount of time I had it under the microscope. Thank you for the feedback and the like and I'll make sure to implement these fixes and also take this as a heads up to slow down and reread my story once or twice after finishing.
Thank you!
O damn, I forgot I didn't even comment the first time I read this! Well, anyway, I got a few things to say about this one, both positive and negative.
Positive first, I'd say I liked a lot of the details, particularly the 'disorder' about Sonia not being able to smile. That's actually something I haven't heard done in a story before (it might've been, but I'm not aware), and it has a lot of potential for storytelling and emotional impact. You showed the potential in the ending scene with the colt, I really like that emotional bond despite of this disorder. The eyes thing is even better, in my opinion. Fantastic characteristics there!
The characters and situation are believable too, which is something you don't always get with fics like these. The setting is solid, and everything is realistic. I particularly think the inclusion of realism is a nice touch. How abusive training camps can be, and how sexist the people/creatures there are. Not anything new, but nice to see none-the-less. Also, that colt is a sweetie, I like him already!
That said, I do have my share of criticisms, though. Nothing that breaks this story, but things that I think you can improve on.
The first thing is something I see a lot on this site: it feels pretty rushed. It feels like, what my friend Pastry has dubbed, a 'written slideshow', basically meaning it feels more like a series of events than an engaging story. That coming from a common problem I see with many fics on this site: the 'this happened, then this happened' dynamic. I'd recommend describing sensations and feelings more. How things felt, how things feel, how Sonia and other characters feel.
That leads me to the second thing you can improve on: show, don't tell. Right off the bat, you explicitely use the word 'abuse'. It tells us how we have to view what is happening, which takes away from the scene. It would've been much more effective the events were detailed, and the abuse would've been inferred, if that makes sense. I mentioned the sexism, well, I think it would work much better like that too. 'Mouthed rather than spoken', as it were. The imagery of an immature colt groping Sonia is a good example of implied sexism, that was a good one. At that point, you didn't really need to explicitely say that Sonia has to deal with this harassment, because the seed is planted, at least in the first section.
This is particularly an issue in the first part of the chapter, the second part was actually quite a nice way to let us know Sonia's environment and state.
Overall, I'd say this is good, but can be better. That's my opinion, though, take it as you wish. I'll keep my eye out on this one, it can be great, that's for sure
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Hey! Thanks for the comment. I’m glad you enjoyed the story and the criticism is well placed, in fact, I went back and with lots of help from a good friend, I made some edits. Of course, most of the slideshow storytelling is an issue, I’m trying to not do this in the following story. I have a couple of things I read in your comment that was spot on;
Yes, this story was actually fairly rushed because I have this mindset that if you’re not writing or posting something, you’re not really doing anything productive. I have school and I felt guilty for having set this all up but never really finishing it. Don’t worry, I understand they’re shorter stories and shouldn’t take nearly as long so I’m taking some time to perfect them as much as my own skill will let me improve. Your comment really helped boost my confidence but also make sure it’s in the right form.
Thanks for the criticism and recognition!
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Take your time :)
School should always come first so I’m sure I speak for everyone when I say it’s okay to take your time. Truthfully it’s okay if you never finish the next chapter, just don’t feel guilty cause your doing this for free. If people have a problem with how long it takes, they don’t deserve to read your story
Clever papa but he set up the trap that almost killed his daughter? Bro is mad crazy
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Chapter 3 is almost here so look forward to that :)
Papa’s more then crazy I’ll tell you that much